Rants and Plans

Chapter 4

As I stared at the slightly crumbled up piece of paper in my hand my mind was wondering about the last thing on it-Be happy and the optional last thing on it- maybe have a social life. Was I happy?

"Yes I mean I'm not the most successful and planned person out there but I am happy. I've done some things which I'm proud of so that makes me happy. I'm also doing something I enjoy doing".

Then I frowned. "I stopped going to fashion school".

"Why did you stop going?" Miss Onome asked me. She was my therapist. I had been ranting to her. She asked me to write an outline of the things I wanted to achieve with my life. In simpler words a plan. And I didn't plan so I came up with just four sentences. As I stared at it, the words just came rushing out. It was word vomit. And she listened. This was our second session together and so far I think it's helping me. She was young and very good at what she did it. It made me comfortable. And no I wasn't mentally unstable, my brain functioned alright. I just needed help, a little life coaching maybe or just counselling. My life is very very very disoriented and I'm not even exaggerating. My mom thought I needed it. Nothing too personal, heartfelt or deep we would just talk. I enjoyed talking. So it would probably help. That was how she put it. And it did. Talking to someone who was trained for the job helped.

I thought of her question. Why did I stop?

"I don't know and I'm not very sure of how accurate this answer is but I guess I felt it was becoming real, not a just a dream anymore. The lesser it became a dream and more of a reality the more I could try, put in effort just to fail at it. I don't want to feel disappointed, the feeling sucks. The fact that I was also growing up, meeting people, being responsible well trying to be responsible, actually had things to do, expectations to live up to, trying to have common sense and just all of it. Growing up is hard".

"I guess I just don't want to grow up. I want my dreams to remain dreams and I just want to continue to be innocent and ignorant. Ignorance truly is bliss. And then also, in my life nothing is constant. Not even people. I don't know who leaves who all I know is that I've never had a long-term friendship. It's something I also really want. That person who knows everything about me, even the things I don't know. The person that is always there and we joke around and just enjoy each other's presence. And there is no much effort in making it work because it just works. And just I want to have peace. I just want it to be simple and I want it to work out. I'm glad though, glad I'm talking about it and seeking help. That has got to be the first step right?"

"Yeah" She replied.