Sad Shit

I Want To Forgive You

You were my best friend

I defended you when they called you self-absorbed, manipulative and toxic.

I stayed by your side when all my other friends left you.

One after another, they left.

And I wanted to go with them.

But I stayed.

Because I was foolish enough to believe, that somewhere behind all the name calling, all the mean comments, you actually cared for me like I did for you.

I painted a picture of what you should be and convinced myself it was really you.

But it hurt me so bad.

All of the "are you sure you should eat that", "no we're doing this now", "you are worthless" and "nobody would miss you"

I laughed and agreed, trying so hard not to cry

But then you found out my biggest secret

The one I tried so desperately to hide from you.

You found out I liked girls

Called me a "disgusting faggot" infront of the entire class

And I slapped you so hard I still hear the noise when I lay in bed at night.

I hated you after that.

All my fake ideas of who you were disintegrated around me as you said those words.

And as you sneered I saw what everyone else saw when they left.

I saw the monster hiding behind pretty smiles and fake tears of innocence.

I made a new family out of the others you cast aside

I started a club for kids like me. Girls that like girls or even just kids that don't fit in.

I tried so hard to forget you.

But one way or annother, my brain always comes back to you.

It's hard to forget someone who was once your entire world.

And I want to forgive you.

I stare at your number on my screen for hours on end, I never could delete it.

But just as I'm about to hit dial, I go back to that day.

Your arms pushing me away firm you as I try to explain.

Your cold, hard eyes glaring at me like I'm Satan himself.

And I want to forgive you, I really do.

But along with all the memories

You left behind so much pain and despair as you shut me out of your perfect little life.

And it will take years for me to forget that

So maybe we'll meet when we're older, in a coffee shop or a movie theatre.

Maybe you will get past your hate and see me as my friends and girlfriend do.

Maybe we'll talk for a while, agree to stay in touch and leave it at that.

But never again will I let down my walls for you, because all you did was remind me why I built them in the first place.

Someday I may forgive you

But until then,

I'd like to say, just one last time

'I may the moon, dark and beautiful. But you are the sun, lighting up the world for all to see'