Lost And Found

Chap. 15 • "After"

Christopher Brown

"Any luck?" August asked me as I walked in the house.

I sighed, "No. She's pretty upset, more-so traumatized that she found her own suicide note." I flopped down on the couch.

"She still not talking to you?" Skylar asked.

"Not really, only short sentences. I'm gonna try again though. She in the room?" I motioned towards the staircase.

"Yeah, I think she's laying down with Ayden." I took a deep breath and went up the stairs, knocking on the doorframe softly. I opened the door to see her laying down with Ayden, the both of them asleep. She held on to him so tight, as if she were afraid to let go.

Her eyes fluttered open and they landed on me, but her face didn't change. "Yes?" Her voice was dry, as if she didn't feel like speaking.

"Uh, how are you feeling?" I fidgeted with the rings on my fingers.

"Tired." She mumbled. "Do you need something?"

"Yeah, we need to talk." I took a seat across from her on the bed. I had no idea how to word this. "I'm sorry. For everything. I know I should've told you, but I didn't want to hurt you, and no matter what I did this wouldn't have turned out good. I just wanted to put your safety first."

Aya sighed and sat up slightly. "It's not just the thought of you leaving, Chris. Although I wish you would've told me sooner, especially if you knew something like this would happen, we got through it before, and our son is 3 years old now. It's just..." She took a deep breath. "The thought that I could've hurt—" Her voice cracked and she stopped in the middle of her sentence to place a hand over her mouth. Her eyebrows curled up and she closed her eyes as they watered, trying to fight her tears.

"Hey, hey," I rushed over and pulled her into my arms as she broke down into my chest. She was trying to be as quiet as she could, because she didn't want Ayden to wake up and see her crying. But she was hurt. "Don't cry, please don't cry." I rested my head on top of hers as I held her close.

"I love my baby s-so much, Chris. And the thought of him not being here just— it just hurts." She mumbled into my chest, her tears leaving small stains against my black tee. Her hands gripped my shoulders tightly as she continued to sniffle and sob.

"I know, baby. I know. I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you. I'm so sorry that I ever let you feel that way, feel like that was a decision that you had to make. I will never forgive myself for the way I acted, but I'm so sorry." My voice cracked just as hers did and I could feel her hold me tighter.

"You have to forgive yourself, because no one else has that power. You were put in a circumstance and although your initial feelings may not have been satisfactory, you got it together, and you're still here," She shook her head. I let go off her and took her head in hands. "Look at me. You have to let it go. Holding on to the past doesn't do anything but prohibit your future."

"But Chris I ca—"

"Yes you can, Aya. Stop thinking so negatively of yourself. You have a beautiful son that looks up to you, that has always looked up to you, even when you weren't here. I want you to love and accept yourself as much as I love and accept you." I wiped away her tears with my thumbs.

It makes me feel shitty that my stubbornness almost led up to that. To think that I could've prevented it, or even stopped the thought from clouding her brain, really hurts. I don't know what I'd do without her or my son, and the thought of them being gone is the worst pain to ever enter my body. Ever.

"Ayden loves you, Aya. He wouldn't want to see you sad or cry, I don't want to see you cry if that's the last thing I do." She nodded and wiped her eyes, sniffling hard. I brought her face to mine, kissing her lips a few times. "I love you. So much."