NOTE:
I wrote this when I was 14 (turning 15 by that time), in the year of the pandemic, 2020. This was my first attempt to write a one-shot story, which up until now I don't know if it can be considered as a one-shot but I'll be writing anyway. It is what it is, I guess. So, this is just a disclaimer for whatever this one-shot is, I hope you'll bear with it. happy reading!! xoxo
again, this is not edited.
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Some people are too young to understand the logic of life. Some really aren't capable of something but some are. We're all both young to understand the difference i society or to swimm with it.
When I was young all I do is to play, play and play. When I grow up, I started learning that life wasn't only for play nor game. I thought it's creative but isn't. This is survival, all we need to do is to survived. If you can't, you lost.
When we're young we don't care about what people say, how people judge us, or how they see us as a human being. We don't care if we act so stupid, look so ugly.
"Kaya nga sinasabi ko sa'yo diba, tingnan mo ang Ate mo. Gayahin mo. Tinuturan kita, ayaw mo makinig. Ayusin mo 'yang sarili mo. Dapat magpaputi ka rin..."
No'ng bata ako, I never heard this kind of things.
But when I started grow up, why seems everything messed up.
Akala noon masaya tumanda. But it isn't.
I was grade 7 when people told me, dictated of what should I do, what should I look, what should I wear or or what type of skin color should I possessed.
Ang akala ko ayos lang 'to. Na ikakabuti ko 'to. So I followed every command that they gave to me. Ang inakala kong ikakabuti ko ay hindi pala, because all the things that I thought is good are all pressure, that slowly killing me.
Everytime they will tell that, I don't feel educated by them but, more on insulted nor offended. And the fucked up is, I can't even voice up my self.
I let them insult me, and I smiled, like it was okay.
I thought being observant is good. But as soon as I grow up, everything that my naked eyes see, killing me.
Pagtungtong ko ng highschool, nakita ko kung paano naging robot ang mga tao sa paligid ko. And to my surprise, I also became like them. Acted like a robot. Follow what society telling to you. Be like them. Be pretty.
I understand where they coming for. But, when will they also understand that all we want are to be ourselves. To let us shine brightly without anyones dictating to what should we are.
It's not others who tell who we are, it's us who show who we are.
As soon as the year passed, I kept the insult beside my heart. I let their insults dominated me.
But, one day, I woke up from the nightmare, that I thought it was a daydream.
I realized the logic of the people, the different attitudes and issues from a million of people. That not everyone are easy to deal nor easy to pleased all the time.
And I also thought that I am living in the world, but I wasn't, because I'm actually living on their opinions. I was actually living on their insults. I was living for them not for myself.
And I hated that it took me many years before loving myself. Before realizing the different aspects of a human being.
Do'n ko sinabi sa sarili ko na, I want to be myself, I want the best version of myself even it isn't the way normal people be.
I don't need to live on somebody opinion.
I just want to be me.
When I started believing on myself, a better opportunity comes to my life. And it's good, way better than before.
I don't have to adjust for anyone, I don't have to give to someone the chair where I sited first.
What if we stop listening to someone who kept telling us, we should be this, that and that, no! I should be me!
"When you grow up, you should be doctor, when you grow up should be model, when you grow up you should be beautiful so you can fit in. You should learn about fashion para hindi ka naman magmukhang dugyot. Learn about that hindi 'yung kung ano ano pinaggagawa mo." sermon sa akin ni Tita habang naguusap sila ni Ate. I just nod.
Tumango tango si Ate. She's beautiful, maputi, matangkad at magaling pumorma. "Porma talaga nagdadala sa tao. Kahit panget ka basta ayos ang porma mo. Our face can be decisive." tumango tango ako sa sinabi ni Ate. Well, it's true. We should be beautiful, we should be like the others. We should fit in on the standard of the society. Sila ang mataas, tinitingala at ginagaya ng mga tao. I can't help to agree on their opinions.
I look at myself. I'm ugly on their eyes, and my confidence immediately fell off.
I remained my smile on my face.
"Magsuot ka ng may takong para naman tumangkad tangkad ka. Saan kaba kasi nagmana, ang Ate mo naman matangkad." sabay irap niya sa akin at pinasadan ako ng tingin mula ulo hanggang paa. I don't know but I feel insulted and offended. She didn't uttered any word but the way she look at me, she look at me with disgusted on her eyes.
I feel ashamed by myself.
Compared to my Ate, she's wearing a luxury brand meanwhile me, t-shirt na may naka printed na 'Welcome to Baguio"
Mabagal akong naglalakad patungo sa kwarto ko. Tulala sa hangin, malalim na nagiisip. Sa pagbukas ko ng pinto, doon nagbagsakan ang lahat ng emosyon ko.
I removed the fake smile draw to my face.
I sighed..
I look at the mirror, I saw my reflection. I saw myself. I'm not enough to fit in. Misfit.
Sinampal ko ang sarili ko, namula agad ang pisnge ko. My eyes tell how miserable I am. Nagsusumigaw 'to.
"Tuwing nasa iskwelahan ako. Akala ko, ako na ang pinaka. . That I could be the next miss universe." lahat ay nagtawanan sa sinabi ko. I laughed too. I didn't know I'm a comedian before.
Nang matapos silang tumawa, "In front of their eyes, I'm the best but, not in the eyes of my family. How could I be the next Ms. Universe when my own family can't even see me as me." hindi na nila magawang magtawanan. Kita sa mga mata nila kung gaano sila sumang ayon sa akin.
"I was young that time, when I feel insulted on the eyes of the people that I thought who live for me, because I lived for them." i confidently said in front of the hundred people in fron of me. I've been chosen as a spokesperson for "I am".
"I am" has a advocacy to speak for the teenager who lost or who can't have their voice for their self.
I stood at them proud, high chin with me being the best version of me.
I raised and pointed my finger in front of them. "If someone told you, that you are not enough, that you should change because they don't like what how they see you as a person." I paused and everyone curious what should I say next. "Tell them, I am not the one who's changing here, it should be you. You should change your trashy mindset. I'm not going to adjust for you and force myself to fit in in so-called-standard. Tell them that. You can be you, you can be the best."
"I have last question." and raised my one finger. "Why our family telling us we should change and fit in on the standard. But why" i trailed off trying to get their attention. " Why none of them never told us, we should be yourself, you don't have to change. Ikaw ni Selena Gomez "You don't have to be a Beauty Queen, you just have to be yourself."
"But you know what's more awesome, that those people who insult me, I just raised them my middle finger and kiss my ass."
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dunno kung one shot 'to loel
September 11 2020
