𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙙𝙤𝙢 𝙨𝙝𝙞𝙩. ✨

. . .

HENLO PEOPLE.

I feel bad for not updating about Fred's birthday.... I've just been busy lately.

Anyway, as I already said before I had several past doings that aren't really good for me or my family. (hAve I SAid tHis beFore?)

And that resulted with my phone being taken away.

And today, as I was watching some body positivity tiktok videos. (yEs I wAtcH thOse sO whaT?)

My mom went in the room and started assigning me to edit a picture for her. So I just nodded like the respectful kid I am.

But then we got into a subject that involves my past relationships. And then she asked me if I want my phone back.

Ofcourse, I would've said yes. WOULD'VE is the key word.

But I actually didn't know what to say.

That's the problem of being too nice. You don't voice out and shit.

So I stayed silent.

"Depends on you." Is what I said.

She then started to tell me that it's my desicion because if I say 'yes' then I abide in her rules.

But I still didn't say anything.

It's because:

1. That phone leads to my deepest and most embarassing scenes of my life.

2. I don't know why, but i'm scared of that phone.

3. I don't want to own it.

I really don't want that phone anymore. Because it reminds me of what I was in the past.

But somehow, my mom keeps bringing it back to me.

EVERY TIME I GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD.

She bring it the fuck back to me. Until I have to undo what she reminded me for her to redo it again.

She keeps reminding me that I was a fucking whore.

A fucking hopeless romantic.

A fucking sorry excuse of a woman who followed a boys lead because she was so madly inlove with him.

If you hadn't catch up, he forced me to send nudes :)

So I did, everytime he asked. Even if I didn't want to, even if I said no, I did.

And she keeps reminding me of the pained nights that I had to cry because of that one boy that kept taking advantage of me.

I cant even look at myself in the mirror when i'm naked.

Infact, I cant even look at a mirror the same again.

And she keeps reminding me of my past self, the boy I hated the most, and the fucking pictures I sent.

And now my brother who saw all that scene with my mom earlier today, is in a bad mood. And i'm here, smiling. BECAUSE I DONT KNOW HOW TO FUCKING SHOW MY TRUE EMOTIONS.

Sometimes, I just think I don't know my self worth.

But, growing up. I really didn't know how I became the person who I am now.

You know... the doormat?

The doormat who lets people step on it. And the doormat who lets people in the door.

I didn't know why I cant just be the door. The door who lets people in, but not to anyone.

Or maybe I should've been a person. The person who steps on the doormat and forcefully opens a door.

I dont know....

Anyway, she left saying that if I want my phone back, I just have to tell her.

But, I doubt i'll ever will.

I love my mom, very much, but sometimes she just doesn't understand. She doesn't look at the big picture.

She doesn't ask herself:
'At that moment she sent those picture to him. Was she crying?'