Echo on the shore

A Martyr For My Love For You (pt. 1)

I graduated college on the 5th of December, 2003.

I tried to convince Jack not to go to the ceremony with me because by that time, everybody knew who he was, and I didn't want to make things awkward.

"People know me in red clothes, not as a normal human being"

"You're not a normal human being, John Anthony"

"Are you?, Echo and the Bunnymen?" he said with his mischievous smile, while making dinner for himself, as he was already used to the fact that I never ate at night (or most of the time).

"Why do you even care what people say about you dating me?" he asked

"I don't care, I just don't want to seem like the girl that gets jobs because she fucks her bosses, some of my peers know that I worked for you because creatives are the only people that care about who designed an album cover"

"...but people also know you have a boyfriend, right?"

"Some, yeah"

"Well I think it would look pretty terrible if said boyfriend didn't show up to something like your college graduation"

"hmm... I guess you're right... okay boyfriend, you are invited"

"I will tell every person in that place that you seduced me into not firing you"

"I blew my way up to the top remember?, Norman Foster is next on my list"

"That dick shaped building of his really makes girls go wild, its crazy"

We laughed and shared the evening as we usually did, those moments made me forget for a little while how empty I felt, my depression had definitely came back as I had sensed it a few months ago, I had no reason to feel that way, my life was great, maybe not as stable or planned as I would want to but it was nice, the only thing that was off was myself, I didn't seem to fall into place, I felt exhausted all the time, I didn't go to parties anymore, because even getting out of bed was a daily struggle, my pill addiction was definitely a thing now, and my eating habits were getting worse by the day, the only thing that kept me afloat was school, but that was about to be over. I had to look for a job, and I was willing and actually excited to do it, but I felt so drained and uninspired that it seemed almost unthinkable to work at that moment, and that idea made me horribly anxious, because the only thing I knew how to do was work. I knew that Jack saw that I was not the person he'd asked on a coffee date almost a year ago, but he was still there. He didn't know what to do or tell me anymore, even if he didn't say it, I felt it, there was a sort of tension surrounding my issues that we had gotten used to, I tried not to ever look completely vulnerable around Jack, maybe because I didn't want to be vulnerable for myself either.

My parents called me a few days before my graduation, they didn't call as much as they used to anymore, but I was fine with that, because it meant that they trusted I could handle things on my own ... I clearly didn't tell them a whole bunch about anything.

"We'd really want to go to the ceremony, honey, but the flight to America is extremely long and we're old, is it ok if we don't go? Would that make you sad?" My mom asked

"Maman, It's totally fine, it's just an event, same as my highschool graduation, is not that big of a deal, also Jack's going to go with me, so it's fine, I won't be alone"

I would've liked my parents to go to my graduation though, but I didn't want them to see me in this state, I was not only slim anymore, I was made a ghost, and was trying to avoid an intervention at all cost. They also didn't know I had moved in with Jack, as far as they were concerned, I was paying for my own place in New York, but I was not willing to talk about that either, because they would immediately think we would get married, and I was a thousand percent sure that was not going to happen.