I Remember.... -Phan Angst-

I Remember....

I remember the day I first saw you.

It was your first video on YouTube. I didn't realize it but I had started falling in love with you. From that cute little caged monkey you got your mother, to you babbling on about Easter. Even that little pig. And your adorable awkwardness made me fall even deeper in love with you.

I remember the exact day you friended me on Facebook. June 21, 2009.

It felt like a belated birthday present from the person I admired most. That day I felt my heart accelerate at an abnormal pace. I felt a small sweat come on and I just sat there in shock for a few minutes. "Phil Lester friended me on Facebook." I said that aloud to myself a few times till I finally realized this was not a dream.

October 19, 2009. The day I met you.

I couldn't believe that I would finally get to meet you. It was so sudden, but I didn't mind that small bit of adrenaline for you. We had been talking already, talking about are likes and dislikes and what we had in common. And then, "BOOM!" it happened just like that. I had a panic attack before going to meet you. All I kept thinking was, "What if he doesn't like me in person? What if he thinks I'm weird? Does my hair look to emo?" YES. I did think about all that. I even thought about backing out at the last minute. But then I got that text from you saying, "I can't wait to meet you. :)" And that smiley face reassured me.

I remember the day I made my first video.

It was all thanks to you. You convinced me that it would be a good idea and I guess to impress you, I did it. After re-watching it for probably the millionth time, I finally uploaded it. I watched it again once it was uploaded and immediately regretted it. Just as I was about to delete it, I got a call. It was from you. I answered right away. "What a great video Dan!" that was the first thing you said. It made me feel all warm inside that you, Phil Lester, liked my video.

The day we made our first video together. That's my favorite memory of us together.

It was just suddenly decided that we should make a video together.

And just like the day I met you, I was a nervous wreck. I was just about to panic when you attacked me with a hug like you did towards the end of the video. I don't know if you ever noticed but a blush was evident on my face. That day I was falling even deeper in love with you, if that is was even possible. I loved how you always put those cat whiskers on your face. And who knew that soon would become a tradition for us. I loved the way you would lean into me every time we laughed. And those crazy mismatch socks...the list could go on and on.

February 13, 2010. The Valentine's Day video.

I remember that day, the day you "confessed your love for me". I felt my heart explode. My heart was thumping and I even started to tear up. Phil Lester loved me. Then that all came crashing down. You took the video down saying it was supposed to be an April fool's prank to trick the phandom. That pained me so much. Every time I tried to talk to you about it, you would clam up and dodge any questions. Soon after I let it go, even though it felt like my heart had be ripped right out of my chest.

I remember the day I was hospitalized.

I was admitted into the hospital for I was sick with Pneumonia. I had been in the hospital for almost a week and a half. Those were the worst days. But you were there every day. I remember one time while you were visiting I started to drift off to sleep, when suddenly you started to talk. "I don't know what to say. I wish I could fix it all and take away your pain. I don't know what you would like me to say, and I am so afraid of saying the wrong thing. But know this: I care about you." And with that he walked out of the room. I felt my heart swell up at his kind words. I fell asleep with a smile on my face.