THE PAST HAS BECOME A FILM
THAT IS SLIGHTLY OUT
OF FOCUS '18
"hey mate, how's life?" 'as usual, y'know everything's fine. i've been in the deep end ever since an adolescent. and really didn't sleep much last night, the night before, last week, last month, and the month before.' "i'm sorry to hear that." 'that's fine. i think i just need a little break.' "you wouldn't give up. well, would you?" 'oh, don't worry dear, i won't just give up. i'll push myself to the edge.'
last year i visited gigi because her classmate told me that she had a mental breakdown. once she tried to cut herself and it creeped me out. she demanded me to go and get lost. i supposed that something funny was going up in her house and perhaps she should move out.
year four and i assumed she's got a brand new life. i assumed that she has cleaned up her room, hung her heart up and let it air out. 'i've been searching, cheeze' "what does it mean, gi?" 'remember when i told my brother i was tired of running?' "yes" 'he said, so stop' "you took his advice and stopped?" she looked at me with her dull eyes and smiled 'no. i couldn't stop' and as i watched her inhaled glitter exhaled glimmering stars slowly she said, 'i told him, what if this is the only thing i know how to do?' i pursed my lips and blinked several times "so, you keep on the track?" 'yes' she chuckled, 'so, i keep running'
hello ? gigi, are you still there ?
last night i saw you in my dream. it happened to be not a so-nice dream, unfortunately. where the moon turned into the obsidian crystal and the wood was polished well. everything seemed pleasant at the very first. you invited the others and i to sleepover and ele passed you a freshly-washed blanket. where mara gave us strengths and read a fairytale. where the curiosity peaked and the primroses bloomed.
as soon as the others were asleep, i watch blood spilled from gi's lips onto the floor. i wanted to ask her what was happening but i learned that my mouth was sealed shut. her eyes pierced through me telling me to stay still. blood trailed behind me while she was filling a bucket full of tears. she poured that salty liquid and chugged some. prayed to god hoping it wasn't real.
gi is bleeding out all over us. i found myself chocking and drowning in her feelings. she screamed letting all the angers flushed the room. me and the rest couldn't carry her pain. we needed to go.
GO, WE NEEDED TO GO. LEAVING HER WITH HER MESS. SHE SCREAMED LOUDER AND THAT WAS KILLING US. BUT WE COULDN'T STAY. WE NEEDED TO GO. SO, WE LEFT HER. HER AND HER MESS.
we drew back, stumbling, slipping over the chaos. we couldn't carry her pain. we were drowning in her feelings. we should not left her alone.
i watched her fading slowly. kissing each path she has stepped and holding her beating heart tightly. her damp pajama has turned into something lavish and beautiful. her eyes weren't dull anymore. her screams have changed into such an angelic voice. she was there. oh my, she was there. holding a balloon and smiling big. 'hey mate, how's life?'
13.5, IT HAS RECEDED INTO SOMETHING THAT I CAN
HARDLY CLAIM
