THE VAMPIRE VITTORIA | THE ACCOUNT OF AN IMMORTAL PAST

X-The heart of a vampire

   Before I continue my telling, allow me to explain to you in full the atmosphere of my kind.

    My kind. I say this and I yearn for a thing I should not yearn, which is divine and proper death.

    And the fact that I have just written these words is my very point precisely because with us, my kind, there is always an extreme to what we feel.

    Whatever we were as mortals, our unique qualities, good or no, we were that and infinitely more once felt through the fierce heart of a vampire.

    Thus, when Phedré and I fought, we did so most viciously, but when we fought as vampires, by God, the thunder rolled.

    So, I'll tell you that from my immortal beginning, I had such complex and miserable spirits. My mind was wondrously blooming yet unpleasantly wilted all at once. I had a fierce yet broken heart, and, too, a firm yet quiet mouth, and I had been all these things, undoubtably, because I suffered from awful depression. I fit the definition perfectly, as if I were designed for nothing else. 

    This particular thing feels hopeless, final, and terrible, such that you fear you might never overcome it. And, as vampires feel things so eternally, I will tell you that I have never overcome it, as I fully shut myself from all of the world.

     Never have I suffered so completely in the mind and heart as I have once turned. And this was due largely in part because I refused to feed properly.
   
    As human, you are pliable and impressionable, but as a vampire, we are as stone, in flesh and heart and mind in every sense of the word; ever unmoved, ever unchanged.

   Simply said, our immunity to change made us profoundly stubborn.

    So, if we resolve to love, we love forever. So, if we resolve to hate, we do so with the ticking of time. And we do all of these things to a degree you could never fathom because we feel so keenly every grain of the earth, feel the weight of every looming star, feel without relief the heart of all things.

    This, to me, is what it meant to be a vampire, to be all at once connected and disconnected utterly with the whole of the world.

    This, to me, after all my atonement, is what it meant to be thoroughly damned. To feel with agony the anger for my existence, and, too, the agony for my inability to end it all.

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