Sa Huling Takip-silim

Simula

I never knew resting could be so tiring. Noong bata ako, all I ever wanted to do is to rest. From all of the bullshit life was throwing.

I was very tired that I became desperate even for a minute time-out. Well, masisisi mo ba ako? Halos buong buhay ko e nagtatrabaho ako.

So now, how come laying in this king size bed with a feather-like foam and thick blanket made me so exhausted?

Blair, my granddaughter, enter my room with a weary smile plastered on her face. She sat beside my bed and held my wrinkled old hand. Gusto kong hawakan ang mukha niya...

"La..." she sniffed after that one word, "Kumusta na po?"

Nanghihina man, nagawa kong ngumiti. "A-ayos lang, a-apo. M-malapit... malapit na."

I saw the panic in her beautiful protruding eyes. How I wish I can stay longer just so I can be with every milestones that she'll have.

"Lola naman, huwag ka ngang ganiyan! Alam mo namang ayaw ko niyan e." she said, pouting as the tears freely escapes from her eyes.

Ngumiti lamang ako at hinayaan siyang humikbi sa'king gilid. Hindi na rin nagtangka pang hanapin ang kaniyang ina. Diana, my daughter, couldn't face me. She'd breakdown.

I never want to leave like this; ugly, devastated, and useless. Gusto kong lumisan nang hindi sila binibigyan ng sakit o panghihinayang. I wanted to leave like how I live. Confident, strong and independent woman.

Sana maaari pang humaba ang oras. Gusto kong sulitin ang panahon ko sa labas at hindi rito sa apat na sulok na ito, nakaratay at walang pakinabang.

This is my first time to feel like this. There's always a first time for everything, but this timing? This isn't what I wanted.

I remember the first time I rode on a ferris wheel. Alone, very anxious and excited at the same time. Thinking of the mesmerizing view of the city lights when reach the top, comfort my core.

I can feel the tears pooling at the corner of my eyes. Slowly, I reach the face of Blair...

"W-where is he?" I asked

She stiffed out of shock, "Who?"

"You know who I am referring to, apo."

Kumunot ang noo niya at mataman akong tinignan. Oh, this little girl. Ano na naman kaya ang umiikot sa isip niya't ganiyan ako kung tignan? I laughed at that thought.

"But... I'm not sure Lola," tinagilid ang ulo, "You can be calling my father, he's also a 'he'."

I tapped her head along with a laugh full of amusement, "Your L-lolo, tell him to f-face me."

Wearing a faded loose jeans, oversized shirt and a black boots, he smiled at me.

What was this guy thinking? Na aalis na lang ako sa mundo ito na hindi man lang siya haharapin? Na hindi ko siya naaalala? Aalis ako nang hindi ko man lang nasabi ang lahat ng nais kong sabihin?

Gusto kong sampalin at pagalitan ang sarili ko. All he did is to love me, purely. He did everything that will make me happy, even if it cost it his own happiness. And I gave him what? Nothing in return. O kung meron nga, always half heartedly and never a whole.

Hindi ako kailanman nakuntento sa kung anong ibinibigay niya. Laging may kulang at laging mayroon pa akong hinahanap. I was never contented. So, how come he stayed?

"Naaalala mo na ako, Lucing?" alanganin nitong sambit.

Parang dinudurog ang puso ko sa sinabi niya. Bakit, Lucinda? Bakit ngayon ka lang nagsisisi? Bakit ngayon ka lang nakuntento?

"O-oo naman, G-gani. Lagi naman k-kitang naaalala. H-hindi man dito," turo ko sa aking sentido, "Narito ka naman palagi." sabay hawak sa'king dibdib.

I saw a mixture of pain, regret, and fear in his wrinkled eyes. Tuloy ang pagbuhos ng mga luhang siguro ay matagal niya nang itinatago. Pinunasan ko ito gamit ang nanginginig na kamay.

"H-huwag kang u-umiyak." How come I never wiped his tears before?

"Masaya ako. Naaalala mo na ako, Lucing." he cupped my hands resting on his face. He close his eyes and feel the warmth of my hands.

"Mahal na mahal kita..."

Nangiti ako sa huli niyang sinambit. Lumigaya ang puso ko na tila ba buhay na buhay. His words and bare voice made me feel light and relieved. Like a bird unleashed to its caged.

Ilang beses ko na itong narinig noon. Binabalewala ko lang at hindi pinagtutuunan ng pansin. Whenever he say words like that, I only reply just for the sake of replying. It doesn't matter to me. I never felt guilty before.

Why? Bakit ngayon lang?

He hugged me tightly. Tears made the back of our clothes wet. I now remember how he hugged me even before; gentle yet securing.

A storm preparing its voyage, a hurricane rushing its way to the land. Memories of our youth flooded my mind, leading me to the calmness of the unknown.