Anyone else struggle finding motivation to do homework.... or log into class.... or do anything at all???
I am.
Unfortunately.
How in the world do some people show up at school at 7:00 AM and have big, goofy smiles on their faces, talk nonstop, and are actually happy and ready to use their brains?
I ain't one of them.
You know, it's funny, those same people call ME an overachiever.
ME!
I can barely turn in an essay a week after it's due, and I'm the overachiever?! Compared to the people who are completely aware of everything at 7 AM and actually study?
Sure I might want to be perfect at everything- but I don't actually have the motivation to try.
Used to. But not anymore.
Do you ever look back on the person you used to be, and feel like a completely different person? Like even deep down, your core values are totally opposite?
That's how I feel.
Even looking back on last week, I don't know who I am.
It's like my brain is on autopilot sometimes, like I'm not actually thinking, and I'm just doing.
Impulsiveness.
It ruins everything.
I say and do things that don't even reflect who I am.
Not that I actually know who I am.
But I do know that I don't want to be that person. The one I act like sometimes.
But sometimes, I think maybe I'm just a bad person inside and there's no avoiding it.
Because, hey, I've called some of my closest friends horrible things to their faces.
And the excuse they make up is "Oh, it's just because you're blunt and honest."
Well, is calling one of your closest friends an asshole or saying "f*** you" multiple times just being blunt and honest?
No.
It's past that.
It's just mean.
And I hate myself for being that bully.
Because I don't want to be mean.
But impulsiveness always takes over, and it's like sometimes I'm not controlling myself, like something just takes over.
And that's when the dark thoughts come.
We all have a monster within us.
I guess mine is just ready to come out.
