13
“So I’m getting a divorce ya’ll.”
There were a few ‘awwwws’ in the crowd—mock sympathy. The audience was mixed but mostly African American as the comedy at the Laughing Stock was mostly geared towards them. White Comedians came through every now and again but for the most part this was a Black club and the preeminent in the city. Ian was on stage doing his stand-up.
“Yeah, it’s sad. And the hardest part is that we have kids. And you know kids always take it especially hard because they don’t know whose fault it is. And as parents you have to handle this right otherwise the kid could be confused. So my eldest comes to me, and he’s nine, and he’s near crying, and he says, (in a whiny child’s voice) ‘Daddy why you and Mommy breaking up, is it because of me?’ And it almost broke my heart to see him like this. So I took him in my arms I looked at him directly and I said Son . . . yes it’s your fault.” The audience guffawed; some playfully aghast.
“The truth is, things have never been the same between me and your Mama since you came. I mean everything between me and your Mom was beautiful before you came. We used to do it everywhere, on the living room floor, on the dining room table, over the kitchen sink, once did a 69 in the tub, damn near drowned. We even did it on the toilet—while I was taking a shit. And we was so crazy in love the stink didn’t bother us. That’s how good shit was before you got here. Once you got here all that changed. Couldn’t touch the titties anymore, because the titties had milk and the milk was for the baby. Couldn’t have sex all over the house anymore because you might see us. Could hardly have sex in the bedroom anymore, because you had to be a little bitch, talking about there’s monsters in your closet so you had to sleep with us. And the truth is son that pussy has never been the same since you came. I mean that pussy used to be mine. It used to fit my dick perfect—tight. But after your big ass head came out it was a wrap. Lord knows I don’t know how you got a head that big, because damn sure nobody else in my family got a head that big. Sometimes I look at you and I have to wonder if you really mine with a head that goddamn big. But all that being said, I want you to know that both Mommy and Daddy love you very much, and we gon’ get through this as a family, okay. I love you. Hey I’m Ian Washington and that’s my time ya’ll, thank you.”
