A Lesson Never Learned (Brusnop)

No one wins

I let my head lazily roll from one side to the other. I felt like a child about to get lectured by their parents for doing something wrong. I couldn't figure out why Ben was being so quiet. He normally has a lot to say to me after an early morning bar call. 

"Ben, are you going to say anything to me?" I looked over as he clenched his jaw.

He turned his head towards me and met my eyes. "Not now, Danny. I think it's best if neither of us talk." He turned his attention back to the road and took a deep breath.

Okay, this definitely isn't the same Ben who's been my best friend for years. Sure, sometimes when it's late and he has to come pick me up he expresses a little bit of annoyance and "the how could you do this?" talk. Which in most cases I find annoying. I'm an adult for god's sake. But it would be better than this dreadful silence. 

"Ben, please." I plead with him again.

He turned towards me for a small second and then reached forwards turning on the radio. Thankfully he didn't turn it on high, but I could tell that was the end of our one-sided conversation.

After a few moments I recognized the song "the cave" By Mumford and sons, and slowly drifted off to sleep.

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"I don't know what more we can do, James. I'm really worried for him. He doesn't talk to anyone about why he's like this."

"I don't understand why. We're all here for him, Danny should know that."

I sat up quickly, too quickly if I’m being honest. My head was spinning, as was everything else on the bus. I slowly lowered my head back to the pillow but I kept listening to the conversation between my band mates.

"There's some things that we can't understand. Maybe there's some things that he's experienced that he doesn't want to talk about. He isn't obligated to share everything about his past, none of us are. If something about our past gets said, it's on our terms. Not because we were backed into a corner about it."

I smiled, knowing that no matter how upset Ben was at me for my late night bar escapades, he would always come to my side on the matter. Always.

All three of them mumbled in agreement and then slowly dispersed. 2 of them left the bus while the other set of feet walked closer to the bunks.

He sat at the table across from the bunks and opened a can of beer. Taking a long gulp of it. "Danny, why are you doing this to yourself?" he whispered. I could feel his stare on me. it took everything not to give in and open my eyes to look at his face.

I heard some shuffling and discretely opened my eyes, looking in his direction. The sight I seen was not something that I was used too.

Ben was sitting at the table with his hands buried in his hair, staring down at the glass surface of the table. I could tell that he was starting to break down. His breathing was getting rough and uneven.

"Ben." I whispered quietly.

He hesitated before looking out the window and wiping his eyes. "Morning Danny" He said quietly returning my gaze.

"I'm really sorry for last night." I said. Ben can't resist my apologies most times. He lets go of being hurt and goes back to being my best friend.

He nodded his head slowly. "Yeah." Was all he said.

I frowned. This isn't how it's supposed to happen. I'm supposed to do something stupid, upset the whole band, Ben runs to my aid, defends me and then forgives me.

I gagged in distaste. Why did I expect that to keep happening? Why doesn't it affect me that I can predict every future move and I’m okay with Ben just "forgiving" me over and over.

Ben continued to sit there staring out the window.

"Can you give me a hand, mate? I'm still feeling sick."

I watched as Ben hesitantly stood up and walked over the bunk extending his hand for me to grab ahold of and pull myself up. 

I grabbed onto his hand, but instead of him pulling me out of my bunk, he pulled himself into mine. I moved over to the front of the bunk so he had more room in the back. He crawled under my blankets and turned so his back was to me.

I went to grab his shoulder and turn him around to face me but he shook me off. After laying there in silence for what felt like forever I eventually laid on my back and closed my eyes.

"You just don't get it." He sniffled.

I opened my eyes instantly. "What are you talking about, Benny?"

I heard shuffling, and then he was facing me. I turned on my side and looked directly into his wet eyes.

He shook his head. "You keep doing it. You do it again and again and I forgive you every time. Do you even consider how it makes everyone else feel? James, Cameron, Sam? Me? It's always the same thing."

I opened my mouth to respond, but really. What could I say? He was right. This is what I do. It's like a game to me. It's a game where no one wins. I snapped my mouth shut and embraced him into my chest. Where he continued to cry until his breathing evened out, his sobs were non-existent and he stopped shuddering.

I pulled back to look at him. He normally looked so young and happy. He had bags under his eyes, his hair was a tangled mess and his eyes were red and swollen.

How could I even call this a game anymore?