us.

7 ❤️

- 1 month later -
karla's pov: it's been a month everything went down i've been staying at my parents house with andres ofc alex has been trying to contact me but i've just ignored it i would be lying if i said i didn't miss him but he did what he did for a reason and i'm not good enough for him. i woke today with andres next to me i got up and went to take a quick shower and i was the only one at the house with andres my parents were working and karen was at school so it was just me and andres after i got out of the shower i got ready for the day and went to make breakfast i don't know if y'all know but i'm sorta big on social media i'm known for the raps i make and songs i haven't made a little rap in a bit so i told myself that i was gonna make on later i went live just to yk talk to people while i'm cooking. andres then woke up and we just ate while talking to the people on my live.
- 2 am -
so it's 2 am for the rest of the day we didn't do anything we just hung out at the house and we went to run a few errands and that's it it currently 2 am andres is sleeping with karen so i have the room to myself i wrote a rap and i went live i sang it on there

*yes i know not the full version but i couldn't find it* 
it was about alex yeah but see he's not so easy to get over of  it was different than any other relationship i've been in i then ended the live and posted it on instagram i got up and sat on my bed just staring at a wall thinking remember all the memories we made together make everything worse i started tearing up but i quickly wiped them off and told myself  "cmon karla know your worth" i plugged my phone in to charge then set it on my night stand i layed down and tried to sleep but i couldn't all i could think of was alex i didn't want to but i couldn't stop i got a notification i have a different ringer for my imessages i heard it and knew it was an imessage i usually get dms i barely get and messages i checked my phone and it was alex.. alex also gave me a love box and the heart was moving i opened it and it said pls answer my messages.
- text messages-
a- pls answer
a- pls
a- baby
a- i'm sorry
a- i know your not asleep
a- look.
a- There's nothing I can say to you that can repair the damage I've done to our relationship. I know that. I want to say that I made a mistake, that I'm stupid, that I was unhappy, or that I had a lapse in judgment, but I won't. I can only tell you how sorry I am, and how it gnaws at me to know that I have betrayed your trust and hurt you so badly.
I don't know how I got to this place. I should never have cheated on you, and the excuses I once had for going down this slippery slope now seem inexpressibly feeble to me. I should have worked harder to connect with you. What I regret most is not the act itself, but lying to you, deceiving you, and pulling away from you both physically and emotionally.
I don't want to lose you and I never want to hurt you this way ever again. I know this can't be fixed with a mere apology, but I offer it anyway because I need you to know how sorry I am and how much I still love you. you and andres are the only people i'll ever love for life i'm sorry to both you and andres i know you won't forgive me but i hope we could maybe have a second chance.
k- I don't regret a thing.
I fell deeply, madly in love with you and truly believed you were the best thing that ever happened to me. You said you felt the same, and maybe for a time you did (I like to think you did), but you spent the last month of our relationship cheating on me with your ex girlfriend, so clearly that was a half-truth at best. Because of you I now know what it feels like when you mean nothing to the person who means everything to you. While I resent you for breaking my heart and my spirit, you showed me new highs and new lows and taught me what I want in a man and what I absolutely will not stand. So in a twisted way, I am grateful.
She left you heartbroken and alone, which is where I found you. In retrospect you probably fell in love with me so fast because you were still hurting from her cheating on you. I was fresh out of a relationship too, so I understood your fear but thought that, like me, you were an adult and you knew your last relationship ended for a reason and you were ready to move on. We fell in love way too fast. You clung to me and put me in the void she left, and I was more than happy to fill it. Getting to know you was one of the most thrilling things that has ever happened to me. You made me feel so loved and so wanted (something that was lacking in my previous relationship) that I couldn't imagine being with anyone but you. All of my past failed relationships paled in comparison and in my mind I had finally learned what it felt like to be loved.
It was going so incredibly well until she came back. Until she said she loved you and wanted to talk about how things ended. You admitted to me that this brought up confusing feelings for you and you were conflicted because of how things ended abruptly. I encouraged you to get coffee with her and get the closure you needed. I felt a tinge of jealousy but I was so caught up in my façade of being stable and mature that I let it slide, I swore it was all right with me because I trusted you completely. I wanted to believe I was just paranoid and silly, and if I said that I was fine out loud it would make it true. You, being the perfect boyfriend, smiled, thanked me, and swore to me that I had nothing to worry about. I believed you.
When the talk (you claimed) was solitary didn't give you what you were looking for, you decided to take some time alone to figure things out. I tried my best to be strong and let you work out your feelings, but all I could think about was how I was sitting there helpless while you decided who you loved more. I felt bipolar as I swung back and forth between confidence that we were great together and paralyzing fear that I was losing you. You came back to me shortly after, swearing that nothing happened between the two of you and that you loved me with all your heart. You said you just had to work shit out on your own because you couldn't stand hiding it from me and thought the best way to handle your inner turmoil was self-reflection. It was everything I wanted to hear and I melted back into your arms, feeling like I had won.
From that point on you lead a double life. The truth is you couldn't decide what you wanted so you selfishly decided to have the best of both worlds. You probably told yourself that you would decide eventually; that you were just waiting for it to "click" that you couldn't live without one of us. In the mean time you grew colder and more distant, claiming you were having a hard time with your depression and you loved me but just needed to work on being a healthy individual so we could be a healthy pair. Unfortunately for you, my nagging self-doubt caused a moment of weakness . I expertly pried the truth out of you as I sat on the corner of my Ikea bed, cycling between devastation, rage, and an attempt at optimistic understanding while picking apart holes in your stories.
"I love you both so much and I couldn't choose. I didn't want to hurt either of you," you repeated like a mantra as I sat there, trying to process what was happening to us. It isn't a happy ending, but I am consciously choosing to internalize that as the true and final answer because I want to feel like I was loved. You were in a bad place and you were hurting and you fucked up. I am a rational person and I know love is complex and doesn't always go away completely. I'm sure if an ex I loved showed up on my doorstep promising me everything it would bring a surge of memories and feelings that would confuse the crap out of me. I also know the fear of loving someone and trying to figure out whether you should protect yourself from the possible pain or give your heart to them. If you really did love both of us equally, it must have been hard for you to decide who would break your heart down the line and who would love you the way they promised to. Despite the fact that she had hurt you before I'm sure she felt like the safe choice. You knew what to expect from her and you had known her much longer; I, on the other hand, was a wellspring of potential- both for intense love and for intense heartbreak. You may have handled the stress horribly (worse than I ever could have possibly imagined) and lied about where you were and who you were with, but at least in this version of the story you never lied about loving me. That was real. We were great together, the timing was just all wrong.
I like to believe that I was perfect for you, but you fucked up. That you were caught up in the nostalgia of your past relationships (memories are fickle, manipulative b****s like that) and I was a risk. You used to tell me that you had never loved anyone the way that you loved me, and because that is true for me it must have been true for you too. I like to believe she is a step down from me, that you ran back to the comfort of a cheating ex because you could never be as vulnerable in a relationship with her as you were with me, and that someday you will realize what a horrible mistake that was. Maybe I will be over you by then, maybe I wont. We will meet for coffee and you will tell me all about how you hit rock bottom after she didn't work out and it forced you to look at your life choices; you got therapy, took up yoga, learned to love yourself so you were open to love, etc. etc. We will both be stronger than we are right now. We will either realize we are soul mates or that we were just meant to be lessons in one another's lives, but either way, it will be mutual, and we will both be happy.
However, as my emotional, optimistic side focuses on the love we did have and how real that was, the part of my brain that is logical and self-preserving wants to drown in a pool of my own tears. That part of me can't get over the fact that I am just someone that filled a void during a break in your on-and-off relationship with her. You were a whole chapter of love and loss in my story, but I was just a footnote in your chapter about her. You were always hers and never mine for the taking. You didn't love me, you just didn't want to be alone and for a while that felt like love. It was all just a huge misunderstanding. I wasn't even a stretch of the broken road that lead you straight to her. Just one of those weird, dilapidated speed bumps with the weathered yellow paint that you barely notice as you drive over them.
In the end I gave you more than you deserved, and you took from me proportionally. I still don't regret meeting you, or loving you though. Maybe it is nostalgia, but I like to think at least some of it was real. At least the parts before she came back and threw a wrench into the wheels that were just starting to find their rhythm. I would rather feel the highs and the lows of love than shut myself out and be numb to it all. You shattered my heart, but by learning to make it whole again by myself i will become stronger. Someday I will be happy and will love someone more than I ever thought possible. I will look back on us and how silly and young we were, and I will genuinely hope that you got your shit together, took down your walls, and found love and happiness just like I will have.
Someday I will feel that way. But for right now,  i am focusing on myself and andres if you still want to see your child just tell me he's your son and he loves you and seeing him happy with his dad warms my heart that's all i ever want for him i want for him to be happy.
TO BE CONTINUED...
(p.s i had these letters in my notes so i just copied and pasted them yes i know cringe they don't really make sense but oh well)