Touken Ranbu - Hanamaru - Anime for Trashdwellers Podcast transcript

Thisis the mostly accurate transcript of the original podcast, there may be somevariation due to ab-libbing whilst recording. The original podcast can be foundhere: https://open.spotify.com/episode/3N36KNRRo9ego1P8enfBy1?si=A30hYq9IRzqhwM7i5Zqk6A

Ok, Touken Ranbu Hanamaru, aka, swords as cute bishi's. I wasn't sure if this would be a good series for the podcast because I thought maybe it'd be too history heavy a series, and then the cutsie pop song opening plays with 2 of the boys dancing and I'm like no no, this series will be fine. General synopsis IS, it's the future, and old samurai swords are getting turned into humans in order to fight the history renegade army, they're evil, demon? Things, who go back to historic events and try to change the outcome of them. It opens with a dual sword being summoned into what's called the "citadel", which is where all the swords live, and it's basically just like a ye oldic palace with the only modern technology around being the time machine that's a big gold compass –like these swords finally get human forms and can live in the much more advanced modern times, but no, they just end up locked in a commune like they're part of a cult or something. We get introduced to like every fucking character this episode and it was really hard keeping track of them all. Date Masamune's swords there, and he said he's good at choppin' veggies cos Masamune liked cooking – not sure if he's implying that Masamune would chop veggies with HIM or not, aka his BLOOD SOAKED SWORD cos if THAT were the case all his guests dying of bloody Hep B or some shit. This intense mullet guys like "Fuck yeah, guns!" Then there's one sword with pink hair who's like "Man, I've just had SO many owners what does it matter?" like its ok slut, being used and abused by multiple men sucks. Out at the stables the long sword catches some flying horse shit cos he didn't realise it was horse shit – look I honestly don't know what ELSE he thought those brown balls were. So there's the one super tight arse sword, the "sword-sword" if you will, who's getting mad at everyone for having too much fun in the snow when they should be on stand-by for whenever their Master needs them, because that is a SWORDS DUTY. So he has the roll call for the latest mission that their new gatcha game Master has made up, cos she's only given 6 card slots per mission. Long sword is picked but he's too busy cleaning his entire body in the onsen that was contaminated via the horse shit – like sure it only touched his hands, but the grossness probably spread elsewhere! When long sword goes to get out of the onsen Tight Ass-chan like "Oh no, just wait until I leave." What kinda MAN are you if you can't casually see ya bros naked at the onsen, a weak one is what! And Tight Ass-chan is DEVASTATED that his name is not called, unlike the other dual sword who when he gets picked just keeps looking at his fingernails not giving a shit. So both the dual swords are picked, and the bluer and newer one of the 2 is a bit worried since it's his first human-form battle and it's his first one since being resurrected and fucking red cunt over here painting his nails like fuck, he doesn't CARE what his partners going through, bitch needs to toughen the fuck up. So they go fight the battle at an Inn and ultimately loose, the only consequence being that the History Restoration Army MIGHT come back and attack it again as oppose to the course of history is completely changed and they no longer exist as a result. Long sword got injured cos he's too long for rooms, he got stuck in a wall and had his ankle nibbled by mini monsters. Red Sword gives Blue Sword a little frilly Sakura clip, which Blue-chan puts in his hair then looks at his reflection like "Oooo, AREN'T I a pretty boy?"

Episode 2! We see a new sword get resurrected through placing a talisman on it. When Tight Ass-chan introduces the 2 new sword people he tells everyone to be nice to the new kids. The dual swords go show the new guys around. This one guy is hand washing some clothing, sees another guys dirty robe and now he has an intense urge to wash it – oh my god NO! Who would WANT to hand wash something, that's like another good 10 minutes worth of labour there. And I guess that living in their little samurai village makes them feel more at home and stuff, but WHY would you deny them the wonders of modern convenience like washing machines? Fucking, this is set in like 2225 or some shit, fuck the washing machines available then must be AMAZING! One of the new swords all dressed in black is still in "sword sword" phase, like all he ever talks about is getting to fight, and training. He goes to annihilate the shouta's that are currently training like cunt you are twice their size, calm down please. Then he is confronted with otome game designs – he thought a character was a girl, but then realises they're a boy, and is very confused. Meanwhile said sword like "Um, my gender really ISN'T that a big a deal Mr." Then they go along to the stables, and Long Swords there looking after the horses, and the new sword all in white white white says "Yeah, you were made for healing." Actually he's a sword, so if anything he was made for the exact OPPOSITE of healing. During the little tour Blue Sword suggests they go meet the Master and Red Sword like "Oh no no no, we can't do that because... uh... because... EXCUSE!" Masamune's swords back, and he's cookin', and he's like "Yeah, it's great that I got to do something APART from being a sword." Like a retired business man who has a small business in making tomato chutney or some shit. Then it's the whitey sword and all of Oda's past swords running a fucking therapy session. Tight Ass-chan mentions how he was embarrassed and traumatized when he was used to slice down a small defenceless child who brought Oda out the wrong tea, as oppose to something more cool like kill a fierce warrior in battle or some shit. Now the poor used and abused sword from last ep brings up his sad past, how he was a gift to Oda, and even though he is a sword and made for slicing soldiers and shit, he was very rarely used in battle – oh my god just like a house wife who was forced to quit her job. And then he mentions that Oda even branded him, and at the mention of that his hand hovers over his pec like oh nah he got a titty tat! Then the Master decides in order to help all these sword with their PTSD they're fighting the History Restoration Army JUST before Oda's death, and we get to see that titty tat out in all its glory, like hey it IS real! Then they all watch Oda BURN away, away with their nightmares and trauma about him. When the swords are dressed for battle they're generally in like proper- though slightly animefied – samurai gear, except this ONE guy who comes to the fight in a pair of booty shorts.