They're Me

15: Daniel

'It's not that I don't want to tell you what's happening to me right now. I just don't know-how. I know that you're happy that you can be with Nathan as long as you want. I don't want to hinder it. We've met at last and I'm grateful for seeing you in flesh. I don't want to see you with so much sorrow if I told you that I can't be with you forever. I don't want to end this with sickness. I don't want to end this with cries. I don't want to end this with me, dying. I don't want this to end with you, hurting. I'm sorry, Jana.

"Tapos mo na?" Jana asked once she entered my room.

I shook my head and put it aside. "Do you want to sleep beside me tonight?"

She was dumbfounded. I chuckled and motioned my hand to ask her to lay down with me.

"Nasurpresa ako, ha. Ito talaga ang gagawin natin sa first night? Wait, okay lang sa 'yo?"

She grew awkward. She sat on my bed and shyly lay down beside me. Her face was red due to embarassment.

"I'm fine. I want to feel you. Not in a sexual way," I said the truth.

Jana laughed in my remark. She let me enveloped her in my arms. I felt warmth when she scooted more leaving no space between us.

"I've felt this before. Your warmth. I've never wanted anything but to feel this with you. Not in a romantic way."

"Ayaw mo bang na-mi-misinterpret ka?" Jana asked, laughing.

I laughed with her. I know that she could feel my heartbeats right now. She's damn warm and it's the same thing I've been feeling back then.

"I don't mind if it's you."

"Anong nararamdaman mo ngayong nagkita na tayo?"

I sighed. If she could feel my heart, she would probably know my secret by now. I'm hurting.

"Kung ako ang tatanungin mo, pakiramdam ko walang nagbago. Bukod sa nakikita na natin ang isa't isa ngayon at mas naintindihan ko na ang mga bagay-bagay na itinatanong ko lang noon sa utak ko."

I nodded. "I feel whole with you. You're right as well that nothing's changed. Now, I could hold you, I could hug you, and I could be with you."

But not for long...that's why I shall devour this moment with her. Soon enough, I would have to leave her. I would have to accept that I couldn't spend a decade more of my life with Jana.

"Medyo romantic guy ka pala, 'no? Joke, hindi kita gaanong kilala. At saka, ngayon ko lang natitigan ang mukha mo! Ang good-looking mo, super!"

We laughed together. I smelled her hair and kissed her forehead afterward. Why does she smell like an infant? I don't know where did I get that idea.

"Should we take a picture?" I suggested.

So, she will have something to look at when I'm gone. I felt a lump in my throat. Damn, I have to calm down.

I let her get the phone and sat beside me. I snaked my arms on her shoulder and smiled at the camera.

"Say, we!"

My mouth automatically curved upwards after that. She laid down again and giggled.

"Why are we acting like this now? If someone sees us..."

I watched her nod and grinned. "Oo, aakalain nilang magkarelasyon tayo. Hindi kasi nila tayo naiintindihan."

I nodded too, agreeing with her explanation. I clicked my tounge and changed my position. I faced her and stared at her eyes, still hugging her tightly.