The Leviathan's Rose

Chapter 11 - To Be So Lonely

a/n hello my lovely readers! I wanted to say sorry for missing the past few updates (general life takes up so much time I swear to gosh) and that I hope you're all staying safe!

Lottie Lottie Lottie

That was the name that had been creeping up Jamie's spine and into his brain. It knocked around against his skull until it forced him to wake up from his slumber.

His candy coated nightmare of a world he'd been trapped was finally fading away. Sweat dampened his skin, and moonlight washed him out, making him look even more pale. Sparks of panic burst beneath his skin when he realized he was in his dorm room. 

Groggily, he reached for his lamp on the bedside table, only to fumble with a piece of ivory paper. Jamie sat up shakily, his muscles moaning with the ache of being tense for all his slumbering hours. 

He rubbed his eyes, blinking away the bleariness of his vision.

You passed out by Riley. We carried you up to your room. Keep resting until we can see you again. 

- Lottie

Though Jamie didn't notice it at first, Lottie's handwriting was more messy than usual. 

The murky images of what happened started to come back to him. 

"Jamie," the memory echoed, sweet and loving. 

"No." he growled out into the cold, empty air. 

He shakily pushed himself from his bed, stumbling to his closet. His hands fumbled with the handles before successfully opening the broad doors. 

He didn't bother to check the time as he made his way to his bathroom. Everything was a blur. By the time he was out of the bath he could see far better than before. Changing into his pajamas was a task with a sore body, but he managed. 

He didn't recognize the person behind the glass staring back at him. He moved the same way Jamie did, he held himself the same Jamie, but he didn't look like Jamie. 

There was no sarcastic smirk painted on his face, nor was there a broad perfect posture. Even his messily fluffy hair was gone, now matted with dripping water, plastered to the sides of his face. 

Dark half moons were stamped under his eyes too.

He groaned, sliding a calloused hand down his face. 

"Okay," he whispered, groggy and scratchy. "I'm okay."

He knew it was a lie. Part of him always hoped that if he lied to himself enough that it'd magically turn out to be true. 

Jamie's hand fumbled with the light switch on his way out of the bathroom. 

He turned on his side in his bed. Moonlight washed over his broad frame, peering through his burnt, hazel eyes. Like light in a bottle. Slowly his eyelids grew heavy, beckoning him into a true sleep.

"Jamie,"

The weak boy sat up, blinking away the haze surrounding the horrifying image of his mother sitting on the edge of his bed. 

"No," he said, his voice quivering. He held out an accusatory finger. "You're not real."

His mother tilted her head.

"You're the one who's imagining me." she said kindly. 

Her face was a blue of sorts. While Jamie could still make out her eyes, nose, lips, and general idea of her face, there was no extreme clarity to her features. Save for a few things she and Jamie had in common.

Jamie rubbed his eyes furiously. She's still there. It angered him. 

"You're just a combination of the women in the book Lottie gave me." he growled. 

His mother sighed.

"Maybe I am." she said simply. "But I'm also part of you Jamie. You can't keep shoving me away." 

Jamie sucked in a breath, willing himself to calm down. 

"Every time," he began. "Every time I get close to being better off without a family, you always show up." 

It was an unfortunate constant in his life. Whenever he felt good about being alone, something relating to his mother would break his effort into pieces. 

"Jamie, I'm not the only family you have anymore. It doesn't matter whether you want me here or not anymore, now does it?" 

Jamie froze.

"You have Lottie now. You've had Ellie for a while, and now you're already making bonds with more people. Doesn't Anastacia care for you, at least a little bit? Even Haru has shown some semblance of care. Haven't you realized that you have a family beyond blood?"

Jamie hated it. He hated her words. 

"First Haru, and then you. Why do you guys keep saying that people care about me or love me?" 

"Jamie," she said, an awfully sad look on her face. "When will you accept that you're not alone?" 

Jamie's arms trembled as they held him up. His brother's ghostly figure reached a hand, placing it next to his on the bed. 

"Jamie, you're tearing yourself apart. No matter how many walls you put up, people will still love you. You can't keep shoving people out. Ellie loves you, Lottie loves you, Cl- I, love you. You had your whole life ripped away from you. Try to make the most of the life you were given." she said gently. 

Jamie looked at her, eyes watering and tears spilling over. 

"I don't have a life. I have my duty to Maradova. That is what I will have until I die." 

His mother reached out a translucent hand, hovering by his tear slicked cheek. Jamie could keep the chill from her hand. 

"The life you were forced into is not who you are. You exist outside of Maradova." 

There was a faint glow around the crown of his mother's head. It reminded him of stained glass windows in old cathedrals. 

Jamie inhaled sharply as he woke in a cold sweat. He was laying down, curled up with her knees towards his chest,and arms wrapped around his torso. 

He shot up, eyes darting to the end of the bed. There wasn't so much of a wrinkle signifying anyone sat there. 

Sunlight peeked through the curtains of his bedroom. 

You exist outside of Maradova...

Then where could I possibly exist outside of nothing?