Mel Goes To Hell

James Pond

Mel enjoyed her holiday, but they always went too fast. She’d taken one look at her long list of emails and decided to send the few photos she’d taken to those she knew in hell might care to see them. She plugged in the memory stick with her photos and heaved a big sigh as she started opening up the boring backlog.

“Jez has just come through with the final pictures, can you take a look, Mel?” Lili’s voice roused Mel from trying to decipher her emails. It looked like someone had taken their fetish for 007 a little too far - to the point where they’d stuck a fish in a suit and called the poor thing “James Pond”.

Lili’s head popped over the partition. “Oh, good, you’re already reading it. Can you print some colour copies and take it up to Luce to see what he thinks? “

Mel looked at silly picture. “Of what?”

Lili sounded impatient. “The fish in the suit. THAT one!” She pointed at the screen.

She can’t be serious. It looks stupid, Mel thought, but she printed the pages anyway. She brought the printed-out paper to Lili. “You want me to take these to Luce?”

“Yes,” Lili snapped. “They’re the graphics for his presentation on our new water division in Environment. The government wanted more money so they sold all water, fishing and boating services to us. He needs them for our end of financial year staff presentation this afternoon. Take them downstairs to him right now so we have time to get back to Jez with any changes.”

Mel reminded herself for the millionth time that her job was to execute orders and replied, “Sure.” She took the photos upstairs to Luce.

Luce’s personal assistant sat perkily at the desk outside his office, guarding it like a lair. “Can I help you?” she asked sweetly.

“I’m Mel. Lili sent me down with the water division pictures?” Mel let it the statement become a question, asking for confirmation from the nameless personal assistant.

“Nice to meet you, Mel. I’m Mephi. Go on in – he’s expecting you.” Mephi gave Mel a professional smile before dismissing her with disinterest.

Mel stepped hesitantly into the office, which was bigger than her lounge room at home.

Luce raised his eyebrows as she entered and watched her walk across the room without saying a word.

Mel found his scrutiny as sleazy as hell, but she resisted the urge to pull her skirt down so that she showed as little flesh as possible. He made her feel like a million spiders were scuttling across her skin.

“I brought you the pictures for your presentation,” Mel began, proffering the pages. “I…hope you like them.” And let me leave quickly, she added in her head.

Luce picked up the sheaf of paper and spread them across the desk. “What do you think of these?” he asked abruptly.

“I…” Mel started to say, not sure how to tell him she’d thought they were a joke.

“I think they’re shit. I asked for photos that show all the good things about water that we want to preserve. Not fish in clothes pretending to be spies. Bring me something better and next time, don’t waste paper. Just email them so I can post them straight into my presentation.” Luce glared at her, sweeping the papers into a pile and dumping them in his bin.

Mel backed away from the angry man, cursing all graphic designers for their inability to follow instructions and Jez in particular.

She sat down heavily in her desk chair, making her feel penitent when it squeaked in protest. She tried to calm down by looking at her holiday photos and emailing them out before she had to tell Jez the bad news.

She hit send just as the phone rang. She spent the next three hours trying to work out who was responsible for dealing with illegal dumping of dead cane toads on the front steps of some monument. She tried the wildlife unit, but was told that the toads were pests and they only dealt with native animals. She tried the pest unit, but they shooed her away like a blowfly, telling her that she could keep her dead toads or throw them in the rubbish. She went to the landfills and recycling division, who told her not to waste their time. She tried to contact the building cleaner, who told her to clean up her own messes – they only cleaned the inside of the building.

In despair, she turned to Lili.

Lili was pulling on her suit jacket. “Are you ready?” she asked.

Mel shook her head. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Come upstairs, we have the CEO’s end of financial year briefing. The one with Jez’s brilliant fish campaign.” Lili rubbed her hands together in excitement.

Mel’s heart felt like it was sliding through her ribs and out the bottom of her skirt. “Ah, about the fish…”

Lili was already threading her way through the cubicle maze to the lifts, so she wasn’t listening.

Mel gave up and followed her. Maybe I’ll get to see Luce throw a tantrum, she thought. I’m going to sit up the back and look as small as possible.

Mel chose a seat in the highest row at the back of the seminar room, hidden behind the tallest man she could find. Lili arranged herself in the seat beside her, leaning over to speak with the tall man. He inclined his head toward Lili so Mel had a clear view of the front and Luce standing at the lectern, his presentation on the screen beside him.

He started to speak about drinking water quality and how important it was. Mel lost all interest as the first slide appeared – a picture of her drinking her third large vodka and lemonade at the hotel bar in the garden.

“…stunning natural waters….”

Mel winced as she saw the picture of her emerging from the lake, having fallen out of her kayak and drenched her white t-shirt and shorts.

“…fun fishing opportunities…”

Mel wished she hadn’t worn a bikini the day she caught the wahoo, but the boat operators had insisted she be photographed with her fighting fish.

“…and beautiful beaches.”

Mel vowed to throw her white bikini out as soon as she got home. She hadn’t realised how revealing it was until it was magnified on the presentation screen to twice life size.

“Thank you,” Luce finished, as everyone clapped. He smiled straight at Mel.

She sank down in her seat. I just sent the CEO my holiday snaps and now everyone knows what I look like near-naked. Heaven help me.