i'm so tired...

Chapter 1: Brand New

New town. New life.

Literal na new dahil I’ve never step foot in this city before and I know nothing else here aside from my dorm and university. First time kong bubukod sa pamilya pero wala man lang nag-hatid sa’kin. Very nice. Siguro part na rin yun ng brand new life ko ngayong college. I have to man up and be mature for my own sake. And besides, kailangan ko rin talagang magpakalayo-layo muna sa hometown ko. At nandito na ‘ko eh, ngayon pa ba ako aatras?

“Mr. Von, your unit is room 404. Welcome to the neighborhood.” Sabi ng babae sa front desk nang iabot nya sakin ang ilang documents at susi ng kwarto. Finally! Makakapag-pahinga na rin ako after a long journey.

“Thank you.” Tugon ko bago umalis.

Pumunta agad ako sa elevator dahil excited na akong makita yung unit ko. Mukhang maayos ‘tong dorm na napili ni Dad. Napansin kong may mga CCTV sa elevator at hallways kaya sigurado akong safe dito. Even sa lobby meron eh. Malibot nga mamaya.

When I reached 4th floor, nakita ko sa bungad yung unit ko so I didn’t have a hard time finding it. Pagkapasok ko ay napansin kong may dalawang set ng bed, cabinet, at desk then may bintana sa gitna. I guess I have a roommate. Ayos rin dahil malawak naman yung room at para may makilala agad ako. May mini-kitchen din and a bathroom.

Sa pagod ko ay iniwan ko na lang muna sa tabi yung bagahe ko at dumapa agad sa kama. Mamaya ko na lang aayusin since wala pa naman dito yung roommate ko. When yawn came to me, sleep quickly followed.

“I’m sorry for leaving you.” Contrary to my intention of leaving, I tightly held Emma’s hands, not wanting to let go.

“If you’re sorry then don’t leave!” Emma exclaimed as we both cried. I almost nodded but I didn’t.

“I have to.” I said with a hint of hopelessness in my voice.

♪♫ I suddenly heard a familiar melody. An upbeat melody unfit to our situation.

“Is it more important than our happiness?” But Emma’s emotions wasn’t affected by the sound. The sadness still lingered which made me hold my baby closer.

“It is. But please always remember that I’m doing this for you.” I begged as tightened my embrace.  I may be leaving but I’ll surely come back.

“What for? We might as well forget each other.” Emma pushed me and started walking away. 

♪♫ I was about to answer again but my mouth won’t open and the persistent sound became louder until the scene disappeared into nothingness. It was just a dream...

Kinapa ko yung kama para hanapin yung phone ko pero wala akong nahawakan na matigas na bagay aside from the soft pillow and smooth bedsheets.

“What the fuck?!” Nag-panic ako nang di ko sya mahanap kaya napabangon ako. Napansin kong iba na yung kulay ng higaan ko kaya napatingin ako sa paligid habang nag-loloading yung utak ko for a few seconds.

Natawa na lang ako sa sarili nang maalimpungatan ako. Muntik ko pa kasing isiping na-kidnap ako. Tanga lang. Naalala kong nasa bag pa pala yung mga gamit ko kaya kinuha ko pa doon yung maingay kong phone para lang matahimik yung kwarto.

Alarm lang pala. Umasa pa kong may tumawag sa’kin. Ilang oras rin pala akong nakatulog pero mag-isa pa rin ako dito. Kailan kaya yun dadating? In-inform ko na lang sila Dad that I already arrived so they can deliver my extra baggage. Hassle kung dala ko agad lahat eh.

Napagpasyahan kong kumain muna. They provided a map kaya nalaman kong may cafeteria pala dito. Cool! Akala ko magiging suki ako ng fast food throughout the year.

When I went out of the room, I started observing the place while going to the cafeteria. Napansin kong kakaunti pa lang yung mga tao dito. Is it because may 1 month vacation pa or pangit yung service dito? Mukhang matino naman eh. O baka masama yung lasa ng pagkain? Oh god, I hope not.

When I entered the cafeteria, it looks like my last guess was wrong. There are only few people eating but they didn’t look unsatisfied or disgusted by the food. Tinignan ko yung mga pagkain and it looks decent naman. Natakam pa nga ako sa favorite kong Adobo kaya di na ako nagdalawang-isip umorder.

Masarap naman pala. Just enough for me to finish 3 cups of rice to fill my stomach, but not the gap of my heart. Mom’s homemade food is still the best and no one can top that. Or maybe I’m just biased because I grew up eating it.

Tangina, Wala pang isang araw ang lumipas pero namimiss ko na agad sila. I miss the dinner table where we’re all present while savoring the food shared among the family and talking about how our day went. It was a perfect scene, but I messed up. Kaya kahit gusto ko silang tawagan ngayon para kamustahin ay di ko na lang tinuloy. It’s my fault why I’m here so I have to deal with it.

Inabala ko na lang ang sarili sa paglilibot. Drama won’t do me good so why bother?
Based on the map, 2nd,3rd, and 4th floor are residential while some amenities are at the 5th floor such as pool, gym, lounging area and some entertainment rooms. There’s a rooftop accessible by the residents. I also found out that I can request a reserved parking lot. Orayt, sasakyan na lang kulang! But I’m sure Dad won’t agree because my university is literally near this dorm. Hays, sayang.

Kinabukasan ay dumating na yung iba kong bagahe which includes almost my whole closet and some of my gadgets. Looks like I won’t be coming home any time soon. I changed my sheets and re-arranged my spot until I’m satisfied with the appearance. I know it will never be the same as my real bedroom but it’s enough to make me feel like home.

Now that I’m resting, lying on my bed beside my dead phone while staring at the plain white ceiling, I realized how my world became quieter than it was back then. I had a mom who would scold me for doing or not doing things. A brother who would annoy me and tease me when he wants to. A dad who would guide and advise me when needed. Friends who would be there for me to occupy my time and space. And most especially, a lover who makes me feel special and appreciates me even at my worst.

They made my world a wonderful place to live in, but now I’m away from them. Is this what it feels like to be alone? To be detached from my very own world?

I rolled on my bed and buried my face in the pillow just to scream my heart out. Did I just fucking had a drama by myself?

Nababaliw na ‘ko. Kailangan ko ng kasama. I need my roommate. I need someone… Or anyone.

I left my room and headed to the rooftop. I was alone but I felt suffocated. Is it even possible to be suffocated by loneliness? Ugh, nevermind. I’m just gonna get some space and air. And hopefully, a companion.

When I reached the rooftop, I immediately took a deep breath. I need to get a hold of myself, calm my nerves, and unclench my tightening heart. Because I knew that I was about to breakdown back there. The tears I’ve been trying to hold in for a while now wanted to come out. But I can’t let it go. I have to be stronger than my sorrow and pain. At least until I gain the right to cry.