Our Experiment

11: Therapy

PAST

Her heart pounded painfully against her chest. Her breathing was deep and heavy trying to capture every bit of oxygen. Her body was weakened and exhausted as she stood hunched over staring down into the toilet bowl. Taking in the disgusting sight of vomit floating inside and spewed over the toilet seat. Her throat burned from the stomach acid that dared to damage her esophagus.

Weakened by the horrible morning sickness that had taken over since finding out she was pregnant, she managed to shuffle her way to the bathroom mirror. She peered up slowly to her reflection. To the girl staring back at her through weak eyes decorated with dark circles and heavy lids. Rolling some toilet paper, she slowly wiped the hanging drool from her mouth that had been induced by the heavy vomiting.

A gentle knock at the door tore her from her reflective staring contest and weakness induced trance.

"Justice. Are you okay?"

It was her mother. Taking a deep breath, she responded, "I'm fine."

There's a pause before her mother's reply. "We have to leave for therapy in 5 minutes."

Justice doesn't respond. Instead she looks back at her reflection. She hated therapy.

She stared at the window as she sat in the passenger seat on her way to see her therapist Dr. Herdan. He was a stiff man in his mid 40s. He seemed nice enough but he was very by the book. In other words, he lacked empathy and failed to understand the emotional turmoil Justice was battling from the fire of her high school, to falling pregnant as a teenager. Having to leave her friends at school and Johnny. She hadn't spoken to Johnny since the last time he visited her at the hospital.

She hadn't told him she was leaving. Not a text, a call or an email. She had even changed her number. How could she tell him what happened? She feared he would completely omit her from his life if he found out she had fallen pregnant.

So she thought it to be best to block him from her life instead.

She just couldn't handle that kind of rejection from him. Not from Johnny.

Dr. Herdan did nothing but talk during their sessions. And everything had to be backed by books. Justice could tell that, clearly, he had never gone through anything emotionally traumatic and maybe that's why he had no empathy. Perhaps he just could not relate. So, honestly, their sessions made her feel worse. . .not better.

She stopped seeing him after a month of going. She wanted to quit after the first appointment but her mother and primary care physician insisted it took time to build a rapport with someone new as with any relationship.

After a month, Justice decided she had tried enough.

Quitting therapy did nothing but make her nightmares worse. Constantly reliving the fire, the wall that collapsed around her and could have killed her. All she remembered before the collapse was seeing Johnny's concerned face. The fear behind his eyes would have been the last thing she saw before her death had she not survived. But he had come back for her.

He risked his life for her.

That always haunted her. Made her wonder how he was handling things. Was he getting the mental help he needed like she was trying to do? Did he have the same support. Johnny seemed strong but he was only human and Justice could only imagine if he was suffering from horrid nightmares like she was.

She wondered if he hated her now. For vanishing without a single trace.

What an awful friend she was. He was her best friend and she completely cut him out.