Reader's Platonic Adventure - JJBA Friendship Scenarios

Untitled

You can squirm, you can jive
Spots on your head look like eyes
ooh, see that girl, watch that scene
Digging the hagfish queen

Friday night and you're way down low
Dining out at the sea floor
Where the worms are plenty and there's muddy substrate
You secrete slime that predators hate
Any fish would likely die
Your fresh-hatched young, they pass them by
With a bit of whale carcass, everything is fine
You're in the mood for a squiggle
And when you start to wiggle

You are the hagfish queen

Long and sweet
Only 17
Hagfish queen
Boneless meat from the genus myxine, oh yeah
You can squirm, you can jive
Spots on your head look like eyes
ooh, see that girl, watch that scene
Digging the hagfish queen

You're a teaser, you turn 'em on
Leave gills slimy and then they're gone
Looking out for a worm, carcasses will do
You're in the mood for a squiggle
And when you start to wiggle

You are the hagfish queen

Long and sweet
Only 17
Hagfish queen
Boneless meat from the genus myxine, oh yeah
You can squirm, you can jive
Spots on your head look like eyes
ooh, see that girl, watch that scene
Digging the hagfish queen

Why are people so mean to hagfish? I can understand Lampreys because they're horrible evil parasites that devastate ecosystems, but why hagfish? Is it because they're slimy? Well so are you, you filthy bastard, sitting in your swivel chair, skin painted orange with seven years' worth of cheeto dust, typing about how much you hate an animal's defense mechanism. Is that your defense mechanism? From women? Defending your virginity? Hagfish are beautiful, soft, cute, essential to the ocean's health, useful, natural janitors, they get mad fish pussy, and then there's you, a disgrace to our jawless fish ancestors. You don't even try and you still think you're somehow less repulsive than such a respectable creature. I'd rather bathe in hagfish slime than be in the same room as your putrid unfortunately living body for two seconds.