Cherry Wine

s e v e n

trigger warning: there's a scene describing a strong panic attack. if you think it may be triggering for you, please skip it. your mental health comes first <3 I'll write a small note when it gets over, in case you're skipping it.

The funeral was on a Sunday.

"Today we are gathered here to mourn the loss of Jacob and Meredith Winters..."

It was a beautiful day. The sun rays caressed my skin and the wind ruffled my hair playfully. The air was tranquil and peaceful. A small crowd of people dressed in black was crying softly and listening. Noah and I sat at the very last.

"Meredith and Jacob were loving parents and generous souls. All their life, they've been spreading love."

There were a few sniffs and nods in the audience. Noah's grip on my hand tightened at hearing those blatant lies, and I tried not to gasp. His grip almost crushed my fingers.

The priest sighed, "They will be missed terribly."

Anyone looking at Noah's sickly pale skin and violently trembling lips would think that he was grieving. But I knew better than that.

He was angry.

There was a barely contained inferno brewing inside him and I knew it wasn't long until the flames destroy him and everything around him.

There was a gnawing sense of dread on the pit of my stomach and I wanted to throw up.

I gave Noah's fingers a final squeeze and pried my hand away from his, "I'm feeling a little nauseous. I'm going to take some pills."

He just nodded and pressed his lips on mine. He tasted like tears and the colour red and I already knew that nothing will be the same again, "Don't go."

I gave him a small smile. I can't leave you even if I want to, I wanted to say.

"I'll be back in no time."

Everything was so serene and perfect. It made me want to believe that everything wasn't falling apart.

Almost.

 With every step, I could feel the terrifying numbness settling over my bones. With a growing sense of panic, I realized I didn't bring my Xanax.

I counted my heartbeat, trying to distract myself.

One. Two. Three. Four.

I leaned on Noah's car and steadied myself, ready to do anything to get that feeling off of my stomach. White spots danced around in my vision.

I opened the car door and picked up his pack of cigarettes. I flexed my swelling fingers with a morbid fascination and pulled a cigarette with my teeth, just the way Noah always did and lit it.

se ven. eigh t. nine. t e n.

The day wasn't supposed to look so beautiful. It was supposed to be damp. Depressing. Anything other than what it was now. It felt like the breeze was wrapping its arms around me and whispering niceties in my ear.

I took a long drag and held the smoke in. I could imagine the smoke curling inside my lungs, grey, disgusting, and angry. It should've taken away the numbness and the horrible feeling brewing in my stomach- the fear of what was yet to come. But it only made it worse.

eleVEN.

I coughed so violently that I accidentally bit my tongue. The feeling in my stomach coiled, like a snake ready to strike and I just wanted it to go a w a y.

It should've been cold and grey and ugly. Everything I built was falling apart. It wasn't supposed to look so beautiful. It all felt wrong.

I could hear everything; the birds, the silence, and the soft sound of dancing grass and wildflowers in the air. It was all so beautiful and not right. I needed to do something. I needed to make it all right.