Better Now | Camren

Chapter 1

Lauren POV:

Your features so familiar, the way the freckles colonize the entire expanse of your milky coffee smiling face like they always have. That little mole just above your chin, below your full off pink shaded lips. Your long dark waves cover your ears as they always have, hugging your face intimately. Your brown eyes absorbing all of the sunlight in the room, gold as honey, with inexplicable depth. You're looking at me with that look I have never forgotten in these 4 years we've spent apart, I'm paralyzed as my heart leaps back in time and waves of unresolved emotions crash circularly around me. Why didn't I realize I was going to be submerged into deep waters?

I can't hear or process a single word that leaves my mouth as I remain transfixed, but your smile broadens in response and my name floats off your tongue like a butterfly. "I've found your blog, and unearthed the secret codes I think you left... Or am I delusional?" I hear myself ask, my voice shaky and uncertain I think I might be a little anxious currently. "You're not delusional, Lauren. The way things ended I just wanted to somehow find a way to tell you how much I really loved you without violating your wishes. You told me to leave, so I left. But I needed you to know how much you meant to me, in case you ever felt uncertain." Another butterfly floating off your tongue, I've never heard my name sound so magical and beautiful falling off the tongue of anyone else. My heart is racing and all I can think to say is, "I had to tell you to leave for your own good, things would've naturally reached that point anyway. It was difficult to handle how the world received us as partners. They were always going to talk and pick apart what we had, we're two very different people Camz. People will never stop seeing that, and mentioning it. The family you were born into will always receive intense public interest, your whole life is public record and being with me would never have gotten any easier than it was when we tried the first time." Your eyes seem to deepen even more, your face is growing concerned and little frown lines are forming on your forehead as I see you get a little lost in your thoughts.

"I never knew that's how you felt. You never said this to me before and I wish you would have. I never would've given up on us if I'd known these were the obstacles that made you throw in the towel. I'm sorry that I never made it clear that nothing was ever going to stop me from loving you with every piece of me. I never cared about what people thought or how they looked at us, it didn't bother me because I was always too mesmerized by you to notice the glances of disapproval that fell on us. I didn't love you in a way that thwarted your concerns and for that I'm truly sorry. I wish I would've noticed and paid closer attention to those fears and feelings." Your sweet voice has become so hushed, raspy, a little raw and full of conviction. "I know I should have told you back then, but I was afraid of finding out that you wouldn't fight for us. Which I know now is silly, but I couldn't control my anxiety back then. You don't have to be sorry, I should've been honest with you. Instead of chasing you out of my life and making you leave the only place you ever called home." I barely recognize my voice as it deepens and quivers from the weight of my words. Words that have aged and changed and been edited from all the times I've thought of this moment and how I would want it to go if I found you. And here you are, as beautiful and graceful as the day I realized I was in love with you.

How did I ever allow myself to let you go?