Better Now | Camren

Chapter 2

Lauren POV:

After bumping into you yesterday, I feel so strange. Warm and anxious? I can't explain it, I just feel odd but not an awful odd. My mind has been racing, my heart too everytime I remember the way you used to kiss me when we first learned to love together. How perfect your full lips were... Are and how soft and sweet our kisses used to be, while your arms snaked around my waist always pulling me closer... I could close my eyes and be back in that moment so easily as if it was yesterday. But I also remember the way I cried until my eyes were swollen, I woke up in a cold sweat, my heart pounding the broken pieces scattered and sharp-edged, I threw out everything that reminded of you, I couldn't bear to speak your name... Even though it was me, my 'choice' to let you go. I said terrible things to you, told you I couldn't see a future with you when that was all I'd ever wanted since the first time I caught a glimpse of your enticing smile. I told you I would be happier if you left, when nothing has ever torn me apart more. I lied to you, I broke your heart and mine with it... And it was barely a moment after you'd left I'd realized my mistake. I thought you'd be better off, you wouldn't have to deal with the stigma. We wouldn't have to be a public abomination if we were no longer lovers.

Internalized homophobia corrupts everything, even true love sometimes. I feel so hopeless in the moments when I acknowledge my mistakes, so exhausted because all of them are tightly packed into little moments here and there, there is no room for hopelessness when everything I am revolves around the power of the hopeful. My head is always spinning these days, thoughts flushing down the filtration system faster than I can comprehend them because I am supposed to be a functioning adult, focussed and present.

You asked me to meet you for a coffee tomorrow so that we could catch up. You never liked coffee though, but I suppose that's changed. I suppose a lot has changed. I don't know how to feel about any of it, but I know there's a growing bubbling sensation of excitement within me. The anxiety hasn't left though. I just don't know how to have a casual coffee and a friendly catch up with the person I have always and still do love as much as I love you. Do I get to say that? Do we get to hug the way we always have, your hands on my lower back mine around your neck, the sweet scent of your hair taking over all my senses...? My head is spinning again. I need to stop overthinking, I need to be less of a mess. I need to get some fresh air.