How I Met Your Father {Remington Leith}

Thirteen

To this day, I still don't know if Remington knows I heard him that night in Toronto. I was laying in bed attempting to sleep, but hadn't actually managed to do so yet. Remington was in the front of the bus, it was admittedly still early but the past few days had been exhausting. However, my brain prevented me the luxury of sleeping. That night, though, it was a blessing. 

"I don't know, man." I heard him sigh, his voice standing out against the the dull noise coming from the TV. "I just...I don't know, just forget it." 

At this point, I was intrigued. I couldn't tell if he sounded upset, confused, or just downright sad. We had such a good day, I couldn't understand what he was going on about. Was there something I missed? I grabbed a pillow and hugged it tight as I continued to listen. 

"It just seems a little fast." The voice speaking now belonged to Emerson. 

"You think I don't fucking know that?" Remington huffed out. "I don't know what's going on."

"I'm not sure what to tell you," Emerson spoke again. "And honestly, as long as you're being careful and happy, it doesn't matter what I think or what anyone else thinks. That's all we really want from you."

"You make it sound like it's so easy." The older counterpart huffed. His voice sounded strained, almost as if he was crying. I felt my heart twinge, pulling the pillow closer to me. Part of me wondered if it was me he was talking about, but that felt too good to be true. I thought my feelings were one-sided, and I felt like an absolute idiot for catching feelings so fast. Between making out with him a mere four days after meeting and spending every waking minute with him since...I knew I was moving way too fast. But everything about Remington Leith was enticing. He drew me into him in such a way that I couldn't escape him if I tried. Everything from his personality to the way he smiled when he looked at me sucked me into his presence until I was entangled. 

"It's not easy," Remington continued. "It's so not easy. It's not easy when I'm home, and then I get on the road and everything's just worse. I can't control my mental health as it is, and then I get thrown into this environment that's just a constant revolving door of people, and I can't stand it! And then I find a person, the one person who makes me feel like maybe all this shit is worth it, and like always I get in my head. I'm always in my head! I worry about everything. Things that didn't happen, things that won't happen, things that happened years ago; fuck, I even worry about how much I'm worrying! And to find someone when you're in this place, stuck in between a rock in a hard place...it feels like comfort and it feels like home and safety and you never want to leave them. And then you remember it's been no time at all, and things are moving too fast, and you worry that you're rushing, and you don't want to make them uncomfortable but you can't ask how they're feeling because they won't understand your emotions. That's the hell that is my mind, Emerson. It's so not fucking easy."

I sighed, willing myself not to cry like I knew Remington was in the other room. By the third sentence you could hear it in his voice, feel it in his tone. All I could do was cuddle my pillow, knowing at this point there was not a thing I could do. 

"If you think she's right, go get her." Emerson spoke. 

"Yeah," Remington sighed. "I'll think about it."

The conversation ended after that, some rustling sounding as people walked by the bunk. A few minutes passed before Remington climbed up to join me. I couldn't let him know I was awake and listening, of course. He sighed almost continuously, shifting around as his one hand lightly cupped my shoulder in an attempt to not wake me. With one last sigh, he wrapped me up in his arms and pulled me close to his body.

"Thank God you're asleep," He whispered. Of course I wouldn't let him know otherwise, I knew that would cause more problems than it was worth. He placed a kiss to the top of my head, sighing. "I don't know what to do. You're asleep so I know it doesn't really matter, but God. What do I do?" He squeezed me a little tighter at this point, almost as if he was afraid I would slip away. 

"I think I'm in love with you," He laughed under his breath. "I know it's so stupid, it's so dumb. I know we just met but...God I can't help it. Am I desperate? Can I still not get over my ex? Probably. But...I don't know what it is. I don't know what's up with me. I don't know where to go from here. And I know you can't hear me and I'd probably be so embarrassed if you did...but God. I'm so lost. I'm so lost. What do we do from here? Where do we go? God."

I wanted to cry but I couldn't let him know I heard him. However, he soon began to cry against my body. He trembled in my arms and his tears soaked my hair. He apologized into the air, to nothing, to the void. After a while, he finally calmed, soon falling asleep in my arms. 

I couldn't believe it. I had no idea what time it was, sometime in the early morning when he finally rested after crying for at least an hour. It was a heartbreaking sight, especially since I couldn't do a single thing about the situation. I knew he'd probably shut down if he knew I had heard him. I finally stilled after a while, eventually falling to sleep.