Heather - The Dreamy girl

Heather -The Dreamy girl (Part 2)

It sucks because for a minute I was happy , for a minute I was getting better ,for a minute I had hope but in a minute I lost it all again . I want to leave , not like suicide but to just to disappear , to just go away for once and just breath . I want to leave don't know where I want to go ,but away from this shit .Far , Far away .
I am not sure if I am depressed .I mean I am not sad. But I am not exactly happy either . I can fake laugh , joke and smile during the day, but when I am alone at night I forget how I feel , I would become numb . Tears won't come out nothing would come out I would just sit there trying to fill a huge back hole with nothing . I am not the same I used to be , I will admit it ... a lot of shit got me . How do I feel ? I feel alone. I can't Let people in, l'll only get hurt. I feel scared. Not only of people and places, but myself too. What if I lose control? I feel guilty. It's all my fault I'm like this, I just can't seem to change myself.
The saddest kind of sad is when your tears can't even drop and you feel nothing .Its like the world has just ended. You don't cry. You don't hear. You don't see. You just stay there for a second . The heart dies .Being 100% comfortable around somebody is something that is so rare but when you find it , it is so beautiful , and safe , and comfortable .I wish I had only one person that I can be " me " in front of them .
I hide all my problems behind a smile. Behind my smile is a world of pain and hurt and behind all my fake smiles , is a lonely heart waiting for someone to cheer me up .You think you know me, but you really have no idea and just because I am smiling doesn't mean I am not struggling , you know ? Maybe I am just that good at hiding behind my smiles ."All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul and they will never notice how broken you are ".

"Psychology says:
If a person laughs too much, even at stupid things, they are lonely deep inside.
If a person sleeps a lot, they are sad.
If a person speaks less, but speaks fast, he keeps secrets.
If someone can't cry, they are weak.
If someone eats in an abnormal manner, they are tense.
If someone cries on little things, they are innocent and soft-hearted.
If someone becomes angry over silly or petty things it means they need love...
Try to understand people more."

I used to blame people around me for what was happening with me because I didn't want to accept the fact that I did this to myself . It is not like cancer . It is that just I used to complain until it become part of me and now I don't know how to fix it . I will be honest .it is just unexplainable pain and it is more  like a permeant disease . There is a hope you can get healed from cancer but not this . The problem is that you want someone to heal it . You want someone you can hug . Someone you can talk to without ,feeling weird , scared and just without feeling like burden . Someone you can give all your trust knowing that they will not waste it . Trust is a dangerous game .I just don't know how to explain this empty black hole inside me that I am trying to fill with nothing  . I know now I need to find a way to fill this black hole in me .It is just I don't care anymore about anything . You are losing me. If you still want me . Do something before I am lost . I am tired , not like sleepy tired just tired of everything .

It is my fault . I am so messed up and failing at everything and destroying everything . How can I trust when I can't even trust myself ? Telling my self it gets better . I think I am just lying to myself .I feel like my life is flashing by and all I can do is watch and cry .
Being alone is good but being lonely is the worse . " We sometimes think we want to disappear , but all we really want is to be found " maybe that's all I need  . I need to be found.I am tired of being not good enough .

Yes, I'm scared! I feel Like a first grader entering school for the first time. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and getting into the unknown. I'm long and opening the door that has been closed for so long and I'm going out with a trembling heart. I'm about to enter a world that is bigger than mine and is full of potential danger signs. There are so many things that I don't know in this big and chaotic world. There are so many strangers around.Unfamiliar environments are scary! I can't deny that at some point, my passion to go out started wavering as my imagination started playing with my heart. Yes, I'm scared of going out, but that doesn't mean I want to stay behind the doors forever .I just need some encouraging words. I need help to gain confidence in facing the world. I need the same kind of support a first grader would receive because I'm a first grader in the life outside. When I was a scared first grader at school, I was supported and got comforted until I overcame my fear and realized that I'll be fine. Now, I'm a scared first grader again, but I can't voice out my fear and can't ask for support because I have no approval in the first place. Alright, I'll go through it on my own and I'll tap my palm against my chest whenever my heart pounds hard.