ENTRIES

November 8

Everything that happened today seems so unreal. I'm not feeling any better right now. But I'm sure I'm gonna be okay in a while. Today I went to school. I just observed Jason all day. He was complete normal as though nothing has happened.

Each time he smiled at me I felt the pain getting worse. I felt like someone just stabbed me. I felt like flinching when he touched me. When he kissed me, I couldn't kiss him back. All I could remember was how his lips moved against hers and my heart that broke this weekend continued to break into smaller pieces. Everything felt like torture.

Now that I knew, everything he did felt like an act. Everything was a violation, a proof to how fake he was. I couldn't help but think if any of our moments were true. I waited till school was over to confront him. I didn't want another scene in front of all my classmates. I didn't want anyone to know that he cheated on me.

In the evening Jason came to me and hugged me.

"I missed you so much", he said.

I had to stop myself from flinching at his words. How could he lie to me so easily? Was I that gullible?

"Hey, is everything okay? You been looking very moody the whole day", he asked me.

How could I tell him that he was the fucking reason? Everything was all right till he did this disgusting thing. That too with Mia. How was I supposed to trust him anymore after his dishonesty?

"What's it Jas? Come on tell me now. I'm here. Everything is going to be all right",he said gathering me in his arms.

"No. Everything is not all right", I said as I fought his arms. That was the last place I wanted to be right now.

"What's it? Tell me now. You are scaring me"

"You can stop acting now. I know everything", I said as tears slowly filled my eyes.

I tried hard to blink the tears away. I didn't want to cry now. I wanted to be strong.

"Jas, you are not making sense", he said.

"You are the reason Jason"

"Girl, you make no sense. Can you be a little more specific?", he looked concerned.

I felt like slapping him. How could he pretend that everything was all right? How could he pretend to be concerned when he obviously wasn't?

"I know Jason. I saw you", I said.

"What are you talking about?", he looked confused.

"I saw you with Mia. I know everything", I shouted unable to contain my feelings.

He looked stunned.

"But when?", was his first question.

That's when I understood something.

"This has been going on for a while right?"I said, my eyes filled with tears of anger and sadness.

"When?", he asked me again.

"At the party. I saw you making out with her", tears were running unchecked down my face.

"Oh"

"Why Jason? Why did you do that to me? I asked, unable to hide my pain.

"I... Don't know"

"That's the best you have got to say? That you don't know?", I demand

"Jas... I..."

"I thought you loved me", I became desperate.

"I do love you",he said.

"If you had loved me, you wouldn't have done this to me"

"It is not that easy", he said.

"What's not easy? Staying loyal isn't easy? I could do it. Then why couldn't you?"

"I just messed with her for like a week. I just kissed her twice"

"The time period doesnt make it any better. The thing is that you cheated on me"

"It didn't mean anything with Mia", he said

"As if it meant any different with me"

"It did. I need you Jasmine"

"Just imagine how I feel right now Jason. I love you. And now I'm wondering if what we had ever meant anything to you. I've never felt so blind sighted in my life", I said.

"Don't give up on me already Jas. Please I beg you", he sounded desperate.

"How do I ever trust you again?. I don't know if you are lying . Now that you have done this once, how can I be sure that you won't do this again?"

"Please Jas. I know I messed up. I really didn't know what I was doing"

"That's really not an excuse Jason. You are old enough to make decisions. If you don't want me just say so"

I so badly wanted him to prove me wrong. I wanted him to tell me that he loved me and that he wanted me. I held my breath as I waited for him to answer.

"I know that I messed everything up. But I really love you. I'm sorry that I did this. I really am"

"Did you ever think of me while you did this? Did you ever think of how this would affect me or our relationship?", I sob.

"I'm really sorry for doing what I did. But you mean everything to me. I can't let you go. Please give me a second  chance"

"You let me go the second you cheated on me. And now I'm walking away Jason.", I said not being able to take any more.

"Are you ending what we had? So we are over? ", he seemed to be shocked.

"For now, yes. We are over"

"Please Jas. Just give me a chance. I'll redeem myself", he begged.

"I deserve better than this Jason. There were too many things I let go just so that we could keep this relationship going. Why should I take all the shit you give me. I don't have to anymore"

"Please Jasmine. Forgive me this one time"

"Jason, I love you. But that doesn't mean that you can get off with anything. If this is how you treat me, you don't deserve me.

"Was your love so weak that you wouldn't give me a chance ?", he asked

"Was your love so weak that you cheated behind my back?"

"Goodbye Jason. I love you", I said and then I walked away trying hard to not break down. I didn't look back again.

I got home and told mum everything. I then went to my room, put on my headphones and started playing music.

Feeling used but I'm still missing you
And I can't see the end of this
Just wanna feel your kiss
Against my lips

And now all this time is passing by
But I still can't seem to tell you why
It hurts me every time I see you
Realize how much I need you

I hate you, I love you
I hate that I love you
Don't want to but I can't put
Nobody else above you

I hate you, I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I'll never be her

I cried my heart out to the song. It felt perfect for the situation I was in. After I was done crying I took a shower and changed my clothes. I was not going to cry anymore. I was going to show him what I deserved. I was going to show him my self worth. I was going to move on. Bye.