The Girl In The Dirty Shirt

HelloGoodbye

I wake up curled up in his arms, his breathing soft on my skin above my shoulder. Oh Liam. My own thoughts tumble and fall over each other in ecstasy as I remember his hands skimming over me, his skin hot on my own and the way his mouth tasted and felt on my flesh. I whisper his name softly and feel the corners of my mouth tug up as I realize just how much I love to say his name. He makes a soft moan in the back of his throat and he squeezes me tighter. I sigh quietly, smiling to myself. I felt amazing. I felt so fucking good!  What I wouldn't give to feel like this forever... but this isn't a fairy tale. Forever means jack shit in the real world, forever is never really meant. They say forever and its like a promise waiting to be broken. No one ever really gets forever. People die, people change and people leave. Liam will leave once hes finished with me. When he decides that hes had enough of me, of the talking, of the drinking and the fucking, he'll be gone. The rational part screams at me asking why I'm letting him stay, why I'm prolonging the pain, it'll only make it worse. Opening my eyes and staring at the posters on my walls, running a hand over his arm, my bottom lip quivers as the answer comes through the fog in my head, getting clearer and clearer. Its because hes worth the pain. I shake my head gently, not wanting to disturb him. I need a drink. I force the thoughts in my head to be clear and precise, giving instruction to my body and my heart. We can't always be together. He'll leave. I understand completely that I'm just some fun for him, he's chuffed hes sleeping with a 20 year old. But soon he'll realize that all he wanted from me was just sex and that will be that. Just, enjoy the ride Megan.

It hurts to think about it, my stomach tightening sickeningly and I slip quietly out the bed. Pulling on his City shirt, I pad into the kitchen and for once getting a glass for my whiskey. I quietly snap out 2 bits of ice and pour over some whiskey, taking a sneaky gulp from the bottle before going into the living room and shutting the door. I flop down on the floor, sighing heavily and putting the bottle and my glass on the table in front of me. I lean my back against the couch and feel the cool leather through my tee shirt. I grab my cigarettes from the table and light one, inhaling deeply, glancing around lazily for an ashtray and settling on an empty beer can. I pick up the TV remote and switch it on, switching it over to my MP3 player and putting it on shuffle and Beady Eye comes on. I groan, bringing my knees up to my chest and resting my head on them. I'd change the song but I can't. Start Anew fills the room and I can't bring myself to stop listening to Liam singing so soft and sweetly, reassurance in his tone and an almost vulnerability to him. 

I swirl my glass round, watching the ice spin and I draw deeply on my cigarette. I wish I could just say that I like him. I wish I could just say that I didn't want him to go, that I kinda liked having him around and that I thought he was funny and sweet and sexy. But he's a rockstar, hes amazing, he wouldn't want to stick around with me. I mean, he can have any girl he wants, models and all the like just throw themselves at him. I mean just look at me, I'm a mess. I'm a bum, I don't work. I am fucking disaster, chaos and bad luck follows me wherever I go. I'm jinxed. I have shitty mood swings where one minute I'll be really fucking happy and the next really fucking unhappy. I'm an anti-social prick who hates people who demand respect. I write shite music that will get nowhere. I am just going nowhere.

"Oi, where the fuck did you go?" He growls, coming through the door and I flinch. Speak of shite and it hits you in the face. He standing in the doorway, giving me a lazy glare and I have to look away from his eyes. Those icy blue eyes will be tattooed in my head for the rest of my life. I will never be able to forget those, the way they turned a shade lighter when he was happy, the midnight sky they mirrored when desire and lust pooled into them, the icy steel they became when he was angry... They would haunt my soul.