The Girl In The Dirty Shirt

The Nature Of Reality

HEY STAY YOUNG AND INVINCIBLE! CAUSE WE KNOW JUST WHAT WE ARE AND COME WHAT MAY, WE'RE UNSTOPPABLE CAUSE WE KNOW JUST WHAT WE ARE!

I groan, wiping drool from my face as a thumping mixes in with the sound of my phone going off for the millionth time. I dread to even look at it. I run my shaking hands over my face, feeling that ripping thirst in the back of my throat. I need a drink. I sit up, feeling tender, musics still playing, still Oasis. I sing along to (Get Off Your) High Horse Lady and turn it up loudly. The banging won't stop and its reverbing through my already fucking sore head. I rub my eyes hard and reach for the bottle of whiskey on the table. Dammit, its fucking empty. I check the gin and thats empty too but soon find the unopened whiskey under the table and drink thirstily from it, sparking up a cigarette. WOULD YOU QUIT THE FUCKING BANGING FOR CHRISTS SAKE!

"Megan! Megan!" I can vaguely hear someone screaming my name and I look at the back door, from where I'm sitting, daylight flooding in from the doorway. I wonder if its morning or afternoon? Have I slept all night? Have I slept all day? Did I fall asleep this morning and this is now tomorrow? Or have I only slept for 5 minutes? I shake my head hard as these thoughts cloud my head. I take a long draw, sighing out the cyanide and running a hand through my mucky hair.

The banging suddenly stops along with the screaming and I sigh with relief. I thought they'd never go away. The sunlight is blocked out and the banging starts again at the back door and all I can do is sit and stare. Someone's standing at my back door. I wish they would all just go away. When it doesn't stop, I get up with a sigh, drinking thirstily and drawing long on my fag, stubbing it in an empty can. I take another from the packet and put it to my lips as I stumble over to the door, patting myself down for a lighter, cursing, and I fumble with the keys before finally managing to open it. I drop the bottle and it clatters to the floor. I curse and stoop to grab it but whoever it is grabs my wrist and I snatch my hand away, picking the bottle up. I clumsily rise to full height and fight my muscles to make me look up. The cigarette hangs from my mouth as I stare. My hand closes around the lighter in my pocket and I light up, looking away.

Standing on my doorstep, he looks sad and he looks angry like everyone else who has seen me in the passed few weeks. Liam grabs me and pulls me into a tight hug. He's kissing my head, stroking my dirty hair. I want desperately to push him away but he smells so good. He feels so good. He feels warm and alive, not like me, not cold and dead. He's like a safety blanket. He makes me look at him and I try to force a smile. He shakes his head, making me lead him inside. I stumble through and he looks at me sternly, a play of different emotions going across his face. I recognize some, angry, sad, worried, angry, sad...

He dumps his bags in the living room and I slump down on the floor, music finding its way to my ears again and I sing as I drink some more, hearing the hiss as I drop the fag end into an old can of beer. I wonder why he hasn't said anything yet? I'm so used to tuning people out when they start talking shit that I hadn't realised he wasn't talking at all. He hasn't said a word. I pause for a moment, looking at my bottle and looking at the glasses on the table, I manage to find a clean one and pour some in, pushing it across to his general direction. From the corner of my eye I can see him pick it up.

"Won't we fly into the moon? My eyes have always followed you around the room 'cause you're the only god that I will ever need, I'm holding on and waiting for the moment to find me..." I sing softly until I feel his hands on me. He's standing behind me and like a moth to the flame, I feel myself drawn to him. I melt beneath his gentle touch and my head rests on his knees. Hes talking softly but I have no idea what he's saying. He pulls me to my feet and I stumble again, my ability to keep my balance more fucked than usual. He scoops me up bridal style and I lye limp in his arms as he carries me into the bathroom. He strips us both and he pulls me into the shower. He's washing my hair, singing softly.

"Please don't wake me, no don't shake me, leave me where I am, I'm only sleeping..."

When I wake up, this will all have been a dream and I'll never get over it.

***

I'm cursing under my breath as I try to find my lighter. The fucking thing disappears at will! Fucking fuck! A spark catches my eye and I see him, a lit fag hanging from his lips and he's looking at me softly. He's holding out his lighter, a flame dancing from the tip and with a nod, I lean forward and light my own fag off it too. I pull back to sit in my chair properly when I stop with a start as it all falls into place. Liam is really here. He really did take me in the shower. He really did clean me up. He's sitting drinking and smoking with me. But how-? How did he even-?

"Megan?" He asks softly as I realize I've been sat in the same in between position of sitting back and being forward. I blink hard. He, he must've found out a-about mum. Liam is here to see if I'm okay. A lump forms in the back of my throat and tears sting my eyes as I finally turn to look at him. I stare deeply into those piercing blue eyes and with a nervous giggle as I almost burst into hysterics he gently raises a hand to my face, his thumb brushing my bottom lip once more.

"Oh Liam!" I cry and throw myself at him, squeezing him tightly. He wraps his arms around me.

"Its awlright love, I've got yer," He murmurs softly as I bury my face into his shoulder. I can't stop whispering into his neck that he's here and hes kissing my head, stroking my hair, his arms tight around me.

"I'm here, I'm right bloody here, I'm not going anywhere love," He whispers and I choke back the tears that threaten to fall. I'm shaking hard and for once its not because of the drink or the drugs. Oh Liam, I can't believe you're really here. Liam fucking Gallagher! I finally sit up, but he keeps his arms firmly around me as I look at him. I'm smiling. I'm really smiling. The feeling is almost alien I haven't done it so much these days.

"There's my girl," Liam says gently and an unexpected laugh comes from within me, but my face drops. What day is it? Whats the date?

"Liam what are you doing here? How? Wh-why?" I stutter and he cups my face, bringing me close and pressing his mouth softly on mine. A quiet moan escaped my lips at his tenderness. He hold me inches from his face, his blue eyes looking straight into my soul and he sighs.

"I'm 'ere because you stopped calling me. All I could think about was you and where the fuck you were. So after calling you a million times I went on facebook, saw all that shit on yer page. Called your brother, demanded to know where the fuck you were. He told me about your mam and I just had to come. I couldn't leave you, 'e told me the state you were in. What happened Megan? Come on girl, talk to me," He says softly and I swallow hard, digesting his words. He, he worried about me. He searched me out. I squeeze my eyes tightly shut and bite my lip, taking a deep breath. I keep my eyes closed.

"She... She was on her way home. On her way home from Donalds. It was a normal day Liam, so fuckin normal. I was at home, I was scribbling away like I always do. It was a normal fucking day," I bite my lip hard, my chest heaving and he pulls me close but I push him away, shaking my head. I can't stop now that I've started. I don't think I could start again.

"She was driving. Her stupid little fucking punto. I fucking hated that car. Fucking chick car," I curl my hands into fists and feel myself shaking. I get up, sparking up a cigarette finally noticing he dressed me too. I'm wearing a pair of his boxers and his City shirt. God he's so fucking wonderful. I pace the floor, running a hand through my damp hair. He's watching me from the couch, surprise and concern written all over his face.

"There's a big fucking stupid dangerous roundabout down in Hailes. It was clear and she drove round and somefucking useless cunt bastard fuck just came speeding out of nowhere!" I swallow hard, coming to a stop in front of the living room mirror above the fireplace. I stare at myself and the cigarette end glows brightly as I pull hard. I cough as my voice becomes soft.

"She swerved. She hit the breaks. She went into a skid. I can see the fucking horror on her face as the car flipped... once... twice... three times... She was killed on impact. That bastard murdered me ma. My dear sweet mum. The fuckin person you would ever fucking meet Liam, I swear to god. She didn't have a bad word to say against fuckin anyone. She was so sweet. I can get her screams out my head. I can't get her fucking face out my head. I wasn't even there and I can see it all, I watch it over and over and fucking over again, it won't leave me alone," I collapse to my knees, burying my face in my hands and scream.