Silent Love: A Love Live Sunshine Fanfiction

Doubts

"Italicized" = Signed

"Regular" = Spoken

Italicized = Yō typing

Bold = Someone else typing

----- = A spoken word Yō can't understand (or at least not lip read)

...

Yō's POV:

Soon enough, we had all met up. We talked for a bit, before we headed to the venue. It was time to get ready. We checked in and were given a room to change in.

I'm scared. This is the first time we've done something on this scale. What if something goes wrong? I can't get those worries out of my head.

I felt someone grab my hand. I turned to look. Chika was standing beside me. She smiled. I suppose she can tell I'm nervous. I can't really help it. I think we're all pretty nervous.

"You ready?" I asked. I can see she's also a little nervous.

"I think so." Chika replied, "How about you?"

I shrugged. I'm not sure. I honestly don't think I am ready for this. This is my first performance. They got to do other things before this. I didn't. Because of the incident, I never got to perform before now. Everyone else has, though.

What if I mess this all up? What if I freeze up? What if I forget a part? It's not like I can hear the music. What if my timing is off?

Chika hugged me. I must've shown my fear on my face. I hugged her back. I took a few deep breaths. I can do this. I've been practicing a lot. I can manage this.

We stayed hugging for a while. I didn't want to let go. I felt better holding Chika. The worries went away for a bit. But, we eventually had to separate. It was time to go on.

We made our way to the back of the stage. The previous group just came down from it. We went up. We stood in our positions and waited. The lights brightened.

I watched Chika. Once she moved, I knew what I had to do. That was basically my cue to start. I hope I do this right.

...

It was after the show. We had been waiting in our assigned area. Our dance went well. At least, no one said anything about it, so I assume we did okay. Now, we just need to wait for the ranking.

That came later in the day. We had just finished eating when we got the announcement. We went online to check it. I hope we did okay.

We got ranked in the middle. Well, could be worse. Chika was frowning. I guess she thought we'd get ranked higher. I looked at everyone else to see how they reacted to it. Most of them seemed fine with the ranking.

"You shouldn't be surprised." Dia stated.

"Why not?" Chika asked.

Dia glanced my way, "Yō was out of sync for part of the dance."

I was? It took until now for them to tell me? Why didn't she say anything earlier? I feel bad now. Maybe I shouldn't be part of this group? I'm just ruining things for them. If it wasn't for me, they'd have gotten better.

"I'm sorry. I'll make sure it doesn't happen again." I apologized to everyone.

"You can't exactly blame her. It's not like she has a lot of cues to work off of to check that." Mari pointed out.

Even so, I still feel bad. I need to work harder. I'll just make sure I take care of myself so I don't collapse again. I have to make it up to them. I can't drag them down.

"I know. I'm just stating why we got the ranking we did. It's not a big deal. It can be worked out easily." Dia replied.

I guess that's alright. If she thinks I can fix it easily then I'll trust her on that. I still feel bad, though. I should've been able to fix that before now. I should've been able to notice. I thought I was paying close attention to everyone. I guess I wasn't.

Someone placed their hand on my shoulder. It was Riko.

"Don't be too hard on yourself. This was your first time performing with us, after all." Riko told me.

I know that. It doesn't make me feel much better, though. I thought I could prove myself, but I didn't. I messed up. I just frowned at Riko. Riko sighed.

"We should start heading to the bus. It'll be arriving soon." Dia pointed out.

We silently walked to the bus stop. I have a lump in my throat. I don't know why, but I feel this way. Do they really want me? Sure, they all learned sign language to communicate with me and all, but sometimes I wonder if they talk about me when I'm not around.

Maybe deaf people shouldn't be idols. I've seen the comments some people have left on posts we've made. They would always be deleted, but I could see a few before that happened. I knew not everyone was a fan of me being an idol.

And now they'll have more fuel. Because I messed up. Because I got out of sync, they'll use it against me. I don't want to worry the others, though. I'll just act like I'm oblivious to those messages like they think I am.

We made it to the bus stop. Moments later, the bus arrived. We all got on. Chika and I sat together. I rested my head on her shoulder and grabbed her hand. I held it as I played with her fingers with my other hands. It was to try and distract myself, but it wasn't working very well.

"Are you okay?" Chika asked.

"I don't know." I shrugged.

Chika kissed my forehead, "Want to talk about it?"

"I'm just doubting myself again..." I didn't see the point in lying. I just want some comfort.

"You did wonderful today. Don't worry about the mess up. You did the best you could." Chika tried to reassure me, "None of us care."

"Do you really think I can do this?"

"Only if you think you can. If you aren't motivated, you won't do well, right? So, if you don't feel like it, you don't have to stay in the group."

Knowing that was something they were okay with hurt for some reason. Is it the thought that they didn't fully think I could do this? The thought that they prepared for me to give up?

I don't know what to do. I really don't. I want to stay with them, but these thoughts make it hard to do so. I'm lost. I don't have any idea where to go next.

I need help.