What if it was me?
What if .. it was me?
What. If. It.Was. Me?
What exactly would happen if it WAS me though? Would you have tried to make things work? Would half of the things we went through not have happened if it WAS me?
Honestly I cant tell if im actually happy you are finally getting this chance or if im completley swallowed in jealousy. Its no secret how badly I want it and how badly i wanted to give something like that to you as well. Sometimes I sit awake for hours after he goes to bed and I wonder about EVERY single detail i couldve changed just so it couldve been me. Its a fucking mess in my head. I constantly ask myself if ive moved on or if im just playing myself. I dont know why i cant shake the thought of you. Maybe its because I just dont like the fact that she can do everything i never did or never could. The day i walked out of your doorway for the very last time was the day i felt like I had just lost my whole identity. Walking away from you felt like walking away from my purpose. If I could go back in time and change my course of actions.. I would. I dont want to take you as a lesson. I dont want to close that chapter of my life. Although, physically, I have closed that chapter.. Mentally I am still writing rough drafts. You changed me as a person. You opened my eyes to so much of the world. Physically and emotionally. You dedicated your life to me and knowing that I took that for granted and pushed you into the arms of another woman... will forever be my biggest regret in love. Although I want you to be happy and i no longer wish to cause you any more headaches.. I still close my eyes and picture her as me. I try to see what she sees now even though I have no idea what she gazes at.
I stand in the mirror and picture your arms around me, caressing me as you kiss my neck sweetly. The way you probably do with her. I regret every day the things ive done to you in the past. Every day I pray that youre happy. I hope that shes taking care of you. I hope that she makes you laugh. I hope she appreciates all your little quirks. I hope she sees the golden soul you have. I hope she sees your worth. I hope she tells you she loves you every day. I hope that she truly, truly makes you happy.
Even tho I hope you're happy.. I also hope that youre not. Sometimes when i see your photos.. I assume the reason youre not smiling is because shes not me. Sometimes I wonder if youre laying beside her at 2am wondering what im doing instead of holding her close. Sometimes I'll go as far as hoping youre on your way right now to bust through my door and crash into me with all the love we deserved to feel for eachother when we had the chance. Sometimes I get so jealous that I want to break you two up.. But you know I wouldnt do that. I couldn't home wreck like that because of my own unhappiness. Theres so many things I want to tell you. I want to hear your voice. I want to see your smile. I want to smell your cologne. I want to feel your skin against mine. I ache for you more than i should. I know that I shouldnt be in a relationship if im still missing you but I cant be alone anymore. Sleeping in a cold bed every night by yourself gets so body and mind numbing. I dont know what to do to get over you. I always hope that in the future you'll cross paths with me again .. But so much has happened in 2 years that
I dont think we would even be the same people we use to be when we knew eachother. I dont know. This mind of mine is cluster fucked with thoughts of 'what ifs' and 'maybes..'
I just wish you knew this.
I just wish.. you knew this...
