Get To Know Me

Love Life Update

I started this book in 2016, and I was in high school that year. I remember writing the first part of my study hall, sitting next to someone I consider my friend. It is now September 29, 2020, and I am a junior in college. And my life honestly sucks. I hate it. I have gone through a lot.I graduated high school in May 2017 and decided to go away to college to get away from my home and see what it would be like to live alone. I was only gone for a year before I came home. Being away and being able to live on my own was great. I had a new sense of freedom, but I was 3 hours away from my hometown, and I had not brought my car to campus because of the price, so I was never able to go home unless it was a break or if I tagged along with an old friend, who I've known since kindergarten when she went home. This wasn't very often because sometimes when she would leave, I would still be in class, and I would never ask her to wait for me because it was a long ride. And my family never had time to drive up because of their obligations that they had down here. I had also started a long-distance relationship with one of my long time friends who I have known from daycare, I don't remember how old we were, but it has to be at least 16 or 17 years since I have known him. And with this being a long-distance relationship and the guy's first relationship, who was still a high school senior, it was hard to find time to drive up to see me and me come down to see him. He was another factor in why I came home to do college here instead of 3 hours away. But we broke up almost a year into the relationship. It was only two weeks before we would have celebrated our relationship.

I have depression, anxiety, and other different disorders, and during this time, I was falling back into my old routine, and it put a strain on the relationship. I also honestly think that this was his first relationship that started to bother me because we never did anything together. And had thought that I had found someone else, and yes, I know how bad this sounds. So let me explain.

My relationship was already so rocky, and we were drifting apart, and we both knew, at least, I think we both felt the same way that we should break up we just both never knew how to bring it up. When I go to class, I always get their early, so I know that I'm not late and make sure I get a seat in the back, so I make sure that the professor does not notice me. But on this one day that I went early, someone was already there, it was a guy, and his name is Brandon. Brandon started talking to me and started a conversation that I cannot what we talked about the first time we spoke to each other at this point in my life. But I do remember that it was the first day of class that he talked to me, and because we were in a conversation before class, he decided to sit next to me so we could continue talking. I had texted my then-boyfriend to tell him that I would text him after class because the professor had just walked in, and apparently, Brandon had seen my message and had seen the person I was talking to was my boyfriend. I believe that at the time when he realized I had a boyfriend, he kinda stopped the conversation, and I'm not sure if it was because the professor came in or if it was because I had a boyfriend.Nonetheless, Brandon and I swapped numbers, and during class, we would just write little messages to each other in my notebook, that I'm sure I still him if I looked for it. I knew when the first time that Brandon spoke, there was something there. I had just felt it in my gut. If that makes sense to anybody, there was just this feeling about this new guy. But I knew that I was in a relationship, and I am not a cheater, and I would never pursue another guy while being in a committed relationship. And the moment that Brandon and I started talking and swapped numbers, I told my then-boyfriend. But as time went on and Brandon and I kept talking, whether that be texting, facetime, or just writing in my notebook during class, I knew there was something there. So I broke up with my boyfriend because I didn't want anything to happen between Brandon and me, even though I would have never allowed something to happen with him. The first time Brandon and I hung out outside of class, he had come and picked me up so we could watch movies together. He even bought be Chipotle and Reeses Cups, and even let me pick the movie.

I had just broken up with my then-boyfriend days prior. I wanted to watch an animated movie that always brightens my mood, so I decided to pick Sing. And Brandon went along with it. From the bottom of my heart, I truly never imagined something would happen between him and me on that day, but it did. Brandon and I kissed. We also had sex that night, my first time having sex in my life, and at this time, I was 19 years old. I never knew if people believe me when I saw that I didn't know what was happening until it was too late.

I mean by this that I had plans for when I would give a guy my virginity, and this was never what I had wanted nor what I had planned. We had kissed, fooled around, and ended up having sex. I was done for the first two things, and then I realized that we were having sex. Before this happened, we were just using hands and mouths, and I had honestly thought that would be all we would do. But then I felt both of his hands on my legs and felt pressure down there and looked down and realized what was happening, but I never said anything, and I never told him to stop even though that's what I wanted. I was a coward, and I'm still a coward. But because I was already declining in my mental health and I had sex when I didn't want it, I just kept going back for more because I thought it would become something more and start dating done the line. During this time, it was my birthday, and my entire family was in New Jersey because my great uncle had passed away and his burial was on the day of my birthday, my brother and I had not gone up because we both had school, and they didn't want us to miss any school days. So because I wouldn't have anybody to celebrate with, Brandon took it upon himself to take me out for dinner as a date. It was great. I loved it. But then it came the time that I found something out about Brandon that changed everything.

I had gotten somebody that was in the same class as Brandon and I, a job at where I was working at the time. A girl that I saw Brandon talk with after class one day, and at this time, I thought I had known Brandon pretty well. They were talking near her motorcycle because Brandon also had one. I knew it was more than talking because Brandon and I were talking and walking together until he noticed her alone and ditched me so he could go talk to her, even though we were already in a conversation, and I was still talking. And then one day at work, the girl and I worked together, and she had asked if Brandon and I were dating, and I didn't know how to answer because I didn't know what we were. I think that I told her was that I thought we were dating. But then she said something that changed my life forever. She had told me that Brandon tried to pick her up on that day after class, even though she told him that she had a boyfriend. He didn't seem to care because he still kept trying to pick her up so he could sleep with her, and I knew that she had to have been telling the truth. Because one night at Brandon's place, his phone was going off, and I thought it was mine because we have the same phone, and because I was texting someone and was waiting for a response from the person, But it was Brandon's phone. It a text from a girl and I don't remember what the text had said, but I do remember that it was something about being together one night or about wanting to come over soon. Even though I was at work, I texted Brandon that he was confronting him and asking if he was seeing other girls while seeing me, and he answered with yes. This crushed me because I had fallen for him and thought that I was the only girl, so I asked how he would feel if I was sleeping with other guys while sleeping with him, and he said he didn't care what I did. Let's just say I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for two minutes before freshening up and going back to work. The last night that Brandon and I spent together, we didn't have sex; instead, he taught me how to play one game of COD zombies on PC, and then we went to bed. This was probably only a day or two before I found out the truth.

After Brandon, I had just snapped and didn't care about anything. I almost failed all of my classes and slept with two more guys until July 2019. I stopped because I was being treated so badly, and the last guy I slept with had kicked me out because I didn't want to go another round at that moment in time. So he decided to kick me out, and that was the day that I realized that I deserved to be treated better and that I was worth more.But now I am better, and I have not slept with a guy in over a year, which I'm proud of because the next time I do, it will be the way it was supposed to be for the first time I had sex. It will be with somebody that I truly love and somebody who will know my worth and treat me how I am meant to be treated. And I will treat the guy with the same amount of respect and love.

Currently, I am now 22 years old and single, and I am happy with my life.