You're cold and I burn / Band Of Brothers Winnix

If I Hated You

Lew stormed out of the water, his legs soon freezing in the wet pants, his boots squeaking, but he marched on until he reached the hotel. Speirs and Lipton stood outside, Speirs smoking a cigarette. The men saluted at him, but Lew barely acknowledged them. He rushed upstairs, and packed his clothes into his bag. It took him a while because he and Winters had stopped caring which shirt was whom's and their stuff had been bundled up together and mixed up.

But as soon as he grabbed everything he possessed in this damn room, he left them and banged on Harry's door, a floor down. Welsh grunted to enter, and he gritted out a "Can I bunk with you Welsh?" and an "I owe you a drink, buddy." when he mumbled an agreement. After placing his things besides the spare bed, Lew slumped onto it and looked down at the floor. His head ached. His heart ached. He felt like it was ripped out of him, and he was only held together by pure will. Not in front of Harry, who would ask what was going on, and god help him he would break out with the truth. And that was the last thing, he wanted to happen.

So he looked at his hands on his knees and focused on the material of his pants under his fingers. He softly rubbed the dirty material and tried hard to not think of Winters fingers wandering up his thighs when they fooled around. He needed to pull himself together. He needed to guard his emotions, ironically, he had to pull off what Winters had done all the damn time.

Put on a neutral face, tone down his emotions and soldier on.

This was nothing the men could know about.

Daylight passed and he still sat on the bed and thought about how to face Winters every day.

He still sat there, when Harry woke and babbled about the day ahead. He was glad for the minor distraction and joined Harry for breakfast.
But when he sat down, with a cup of coffee, because he could not stomach food right now, he felt the eyes of the men on him.

Of course. He never joined the men for breakfast. Hell, he did not even appear before Winters dragged him out of bed.

The only man, who did not notice the unusual, was Harry. Or he did, but chose to not comment on it, which he was grateful for. Slowly the men started talking and bantering again and he was pleased to notice how he had missed this.

He and Winters had been inseparable. They had always been by each others side, and he rarely had been part of the shit the men gave each other.

That was the easy part. The hard part was participating in meetings with Winters.

They had these meetings on a daily basis. Updates on the German soldiers, some rouge, some peaceful, the training of the men for the possible leave to Japan and every important message Winters, Speirs, Lipton or himself had got from up the chain.

Winters, the fucking dutiful man he was, waited already in his office. It was not a real office space, but they had given him a room in the hotel which was big enough for four men to fit in.
Usually, he would walk in with a smile, or a quick peck on the lips, anything to smooth the "professional face" frown on Winters's face. But today he walked in and took a seat as away from him as possible. He itched to have a drink.

Winters was watching him. He looked tired. His uniform, usually all neat and clean, looked rumpled and had a few stains of coffee.

"Lew", he nodded and offered him a tired smile.

Nixon, tired himself, was not in the mood to play nice. He nodded back but did not return the greeting. An awkward silence filled the room. He refused to be the one, who pretended everything was normal. That was Winters play.

They were saved by the entrance of Speirs and Lipton followed by Harry, who immediately fell on the chair next to himself.

Winters cleared his throat and presented the important points of the day. Apparently, Sink had told him, the men soon will leave for Japan for real. Before the "break up" he and Winters had talked about sending some men home and sparing them of unnecessary death. Some had enough points, for others they could find a position for different service.

Seems like Winters had taken action, and he presented them the first solution. A lottery. The numbers of all men of Easy would be thrown together and one of them would pick one out. The lucky winner would go home, no matter the points. For the others, he was already forming some ideas.

After discussing the last points on today's agenda, Winters dismissed the men.

But before Lew could exit the room, Winters grabbed his arm. Familiar blue eyes with a worried look stared back at him and with his soft, concerned voice Winters asked him, how he was doing.
Lew stared at his hand until the other man slowly withdrew his grip.

"What do you care, how I am doing?" His voice sounded far more provocative as he had intended it, but anger was good. He could work with anger.

Winters flinched at his tone. He looked worn out and broken. The opposite of the usual perfect, poker face he put on for show. Not the perfect golden boy, he usually saw.

"Lew, do you think we can still be civil with each other? In our positions, we will have to work together. We will have meetings together. I mean," he took a deep breath before he continued, "we shared love. We are no strangers."

Lew stared at him taken aback. Winters never talked about their bond as love. It had taken him a while to even admit he was in love with Lew. But he never addressed their bond with the word.

He fought with his mind and heart for the right answer. He knew, if this were a simple fight between the two of them, he would have already given in. But this was not a simple fight. This was the phase after a breakup, a surprising, but painful breakup. And it had been Winters who had decided to let him go. For incomprehensible reasons.

So Lew did something, he never had thought he would do. He resisted his instinct to forgive this man everything and chose to do what he knew Winters would have done if the tables were turned.

"That is exactly what we are, Richard." To his satisfaction, Winters flinched a second time as he said his full name. "We are no lovers, no friends. We are nothing, Major Winters." And with these words, he stormed out.

Ironically, there would be no chance to work together, because the following day Lew got the notice of his return home. He was thanked for his service and was allowed to leave this place, to return to the States. To return home. He made it. He had survived the war. And now he finally could come home.

6 weeks after his return, his parents told him at dinner, that they planned a charity event for the veterans who have returned home as he had.
Nixon received this news rigid in his seat, forgotten dinner, forgotten he had stormed out of the office after a panic attack with his father shouting after him.

Only days after his return, he had plunged himself into work at his fathers firm, to said very delight. He had barely slept, kept his mind going with coffee and Vat 69. And if he fell asleep, he woke up screaming, his dreams rotating about blood, the smell of guns, sweat and death. The feeling of the earth quaking when bombs exploded. But that was not what made him scream, leaving him awake shivering and crying. No. It was ice blue eyes looking right back at him, sometimes in anger, sometimes in pain and sometimes even in love. It was the feeling of a warm pale, freckled body pressed to his, a voice, so soft and calm, whispering in his ear.

He had known, that out of sight did not mean out of mind. Especially not with him.

Nixon only nodded, the voice of his excited mother by his side, but her words did not reach his mind until she said two things.
First, they had invited the Easy Company and they accepted. All of them.
Second, Major Winters was one of the guests who had announced to follow the invitation.