Unloved Ones

five | pride

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.

~ Maya Angelou
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"Christopher, I'm not trying to antagonize you--"

"Yes you are! That's all you know how to do!" Christopher slammed his large hand against the wooden desk and stood up, walking to the end of the room. Another day, another episode.

I sighed deeply and took my glasses off of my face, setting them down next to my computer. I rubbed the back of my neck and stared up at the ceiling, blowing out cool air from my cheeks. I placed a hand on my forehead, pushing up towards my hair line. After a moment of recollecting myself, I sat up completely to face him.

This happens often. A little too often. We're doing good one day and then the next he completely trumps my entire winning streak. It gets so frustrating because normal conversations are what keep him interested, but whenever I get into anything personal, whether it's regarding me or him, he gets triggered. And you would think "Well just watch what you say" right? Well, that's entirely wrong.

The thing about Christopher is, he's entirely too unpredictable. I can't have deep conversations without him getting upset, but I can't not have deep conversations with him because then I won't know anything about him. He is not a good communicator and he doesn't know how to open up effectively, and that prohibits me from making any real, testable progress with him. It's like asking a brick wall what it's made of and it tells you that it doesn't know, if that made any sense, although it probably didn't because walls can't talk.

"Are you going to sit down and talk to me, or are we going to keep throwing a fit?" I tilted my head to the side and stared at him with folded hands.

Now I know you're probably thinking, "You shouldn't talk to him like that, he can't control it!", and you're right. Partially. Christopher can't control his manic episodes, and he can't control his depressive states. However, Christopher is also a very stubborn man. So what you might think is a manic episode, is just him throwing a tantrum.

"No, I won't sit down, Dahlia." He referred to me as my first name, which I've never heard him do up until now.

He isn't always like this. When he's not randomly upset, he's actually a pretty sweet guy to talk to. He told me about his painting hobby, which I kind of already made an inference about from when I first arrived here. When he gets like this, I start a game of 21 questions. It takes him a bit to cooperate, but once he does, it works out.

"What's your favorite color, Christopher?" I threw the question out into the air.

He paused and looked at me with confusion on his face. "What the fuck does that have to do with anything I just fucking said?" He waved his arms around.

"Okay, sailor mouth. What's your favorite color?" I reiterated my question, waiting for him to comply.

He stared at me for a moment with a deep frown. "Red." He mumbled.

"Ah, I can see that for you to some extent. It's the color of passionate love, seduction, violence, danger, anger, and adventure. Did you know, our prehistoric ancestors saw red as the color of fire and blood – energy and primal life forces – and most of red's symbolism today arises from its powerful associations in the past?" I study random things for reasons like this.