For 16 years, Lisa is living under the name of her twin sister, Reese. She didn't have a name to keep. Reese is not born healthy and as her twin sister, Lisa became the source of her sister's life for years. The only identity that she can keep is be...
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I silently watch Jungkook and my little pumpkin eat their lunch. He is looking at him intently and I can’t even tell how many times he wiped his lips from eating his spaghetti. I pulled the sleeves of my shirt to hide the fresh cuts I had last night. I am so careless, he saw it. Out of all people, he did. Lucas never knew about these cuts. I always wear long sleeved shirts and hide them with the leather gloves I used to wear during my day work at the farm. Even at home, I hide them with these bandages for my little man not to see it.
It’s just my way to get to reality. I often see Reese. I often see her and sometimes talk to her. It’s scary, I know. I feel like I am losing my mind because until now, I can’t move on. I can’t let her go. The anger and grudge in my heart is still there. Every time I see her, I cut myself. That always brings me to reality. The stinging pain in my skin tells me that I am alive and I have to continue living for my child.
Even in my sleep, she creeps in. The nightmares for the last 2 years are getting worse. Even though I drink my pills, I still can’t get them out of my head. It’s horrible. They creep in my head like a serial killer in the night and I always end up crawling out of it. Jungshin sometimes wake up too if I am not in bed. And he is aware about them. I sometimes wish not for him to be this smart because he worries so much about me. He is not supposed to worry about me. I am supposed to be the one protecting him, not the other way around.
“—would that be okay, Lisa?” I heard Jungkook asked and shifted his eyes to me.
I stopped from playing the pasta with my fork and looks at him. “I’m sorry, what?”
I watch him suddenly froze and frowned his forehead. “Jesus Christ, Lisa. Your nose is bleeding.” He said and moved closer to me, getting his handkerchief in his pocket and pressed it under my nose. I flinched with his hand on the back of my head to bend me forward, his other hand still holding the hanky. I hold on to it too as I try to calm my breathing. “Does anything hurt? Are – are you feeling nauseous?” He asked, his voice sounded almost panicking.
“I’m—I’m fine.” I said and looks at my little pumpkin who is intently watching me. God, I hate it when he looks at me like that. The last time he saw me, our bathroom floor is filled with blood spots and he cried like crazy. I had to take Nana back in our cabin to get him calmed down. From that day on, I never showed him the cuts. And sometimes if I wake up in the middle of the night, he joins me for a cup of tea and sleep in our couch next to the fireplace.
He is my sanity.
I shifted to Jungkook. “I’ll – I’ll go to the rest room. He can’t see this.” I whispered and he turns to Jungshin before nodding to me. I finally stood up from my chair and walks to the rest room. I get inside a cubicle and waited until the bleeding stops. I am taking too much aspirins. My doctor is restricting me with it because I am already taking some pain killers for my back. I waited for a few more minutes and get rid of the tissue papers I stained with blood, throwing them on the nearby bin.
