As the funeral went on I stood in the corner like a guilty child who didn't want anyone to find out that he had broken the vase. It probably wasn't my fault, but I couldn't bring myself to believe that. Even if I wasn't completely guilty, I blamed myself for her death.
Camelia was one of my classmates. I never really talked to her because I can't really talk to girls and if I could, I wouldn't be single. Not to mention she had her own friends. School pressure didn't really help either.
It was school trip when fate finally decided we would properly meet. When everyone was busy playing truth or dare or something, I decided to finally enjoy the serene evening beauty of the beach.
Being the introverted weirdo - as per society called me- I couldn't really enjoy the beach during the day. There was just too much skin, people and sunlight. So, the evening was my chance to finally enjoy the wet breeze. To my distress however, some other soul also had the same idea.
I saw Camelia sitting far off in the sands. Regrettably, forward was my only option as Erik would catch me unsocializing if turned around now. I walked towards her hoping she wouldn't notice me. But being the unlucky potato I am, she noticed me and greeted me with a smile. There was no turning back now. I smiled back at her with what I now think was the most awkward smile of my life.
"What are you doing here? Aren't others playing games or something?" she asked. I am a pretty useless person. But if there is something I can take pride in about myself is the ability to read the situation. I could feel a certain sadness coming from her words. So, I hid my annoyed "I could ask you the same!" and replied with, "It's suffocating in there"
"Haha, yeah it is"
"And you?"
"I am here because I don't want to get hurt"
Blunt. I didn't know what it meant then but I liked the fact that she didn't reply with an irritating answer like most girls in my class.
We stayed silent and enjoyed the summer breeze flow. Neither of us decided to say anything. But I didn't want her to stay sad. So, to break the awkward silence, I asked, "Getting hurt?"
"Do you know Steven?"
"Not really. I just know he's in the same class"
"Yeah. Well, our parents are old friends and I guess we are too. We grew up together and somewhere along the way, I started to like him more than a friend"
"Did you confess?"
"Yes. All my friends wanted me to as well. He said he would think about it. It didn't really affect our friendship but now he hangs around with Elora all the time. Now, even some of my friends don't want me near him. We grew up together and if he liked her more than me, he could have just said it to my face. I would have supported him fully for that"
Ah yes. Jealousy. But knowing her, she probably would have supported Steven. Then again, I don't know what having a crush feels like. Hell, she is the first girl I spoke to in years. So, I really didn't know how to respond. I didn't even feel like I deserved to.
"Are you busy?" she asked.
I wanted to scream out "Yes, I don't care" but I shook my head out of politeness.
"Mind if I vent a little?"
I walked into that one. But looking back, she probably just needed someone to talk to. I don't really mind a conversation where I don't have to talk. In fact, I enjoy people talking with themselves than interacting with them.
She started off with how she realized she had a crush. She went on and on about how she didn't want to believe it was love and she still didn't believe it was love. She shared her ideas, beliefs, theories, emotions - everything she wanted to. I just laughed and nodded.
Surprisingly, we may have been polar opposite in nature, but we had more common views than we thought. I could have been her if I stopped playing Pokemon and started hanging out with friends... and maybe opening up to random people I just met.
She vented for a while. Eventually, I stopped caring about time. She needed help and I wanted to be useful for once in my life. But then... then she asked me the cursed question - "Do you think I should give up on Steven?"
"I don't know..." I replied.
"Yes or no. Just pick"
Part of me wanted to scream out "Don't stay with him". I felt as if at that moment only I could save her. To be fair, even treating her normally would have meant a lot. But that's the thing, I didn't have any feelings towards her and I highly doubt she had any for me either. True, she was me, but I never said I liked me. Finally, I replied with what I think is the biggest mistake of my life - "If you think that its worth it, then go for it. Don't give up just because of Elora. They could very well be friends for all we know"
She smiled and got up. As she stretched, she said, "That settles it then. I'll try it again! Thanks for listening to me!"
Deep down, I wanted to say yes. Nothing but pain awaits her if she does so. Looking back, I think she was looking for it too. But there I was proud to be helpful.
Things didn't really change between us after that. We would greet each other whenever we met. Nothing more.
A month later, the teacher told the whole class that Camelia had committed suicide. No notes, no explanations - just gone. At that point, I felt so many emotions simultaneously; anger, sad, confused and above all - betrayed. There's no way someone who doesn't believe in love would hang herself. Especially Camelia. But soon after, Steven's and Elora's terrified expressions gave it away.
They did this, didn't they? They must have drove her past her limits, right? But then it hit me... Wasn't I the one who asked her to go for it? Instead stopping her, wasn't I the one who pushed her further? I could feel all emotions turn into one - regret.
I failed. I was always useless. But the one time I had a chance to be useful, I ruined it. Maybe if I said Yes, she would have been hurt... but alive. Somehow the conversation of a few minutes felt like years. Even though we were talking for like half an hour, it felt as if we were friends for a long time. And I lost that rare friend.
She is gone. And the worst part is I can't even apologize. I left the bouquet of asphodels and hoped they would pass my unspoken apology to her.
