The Ocean of Healing

Me and My Dark Cloud

I'm not kind of person that can express what I feel easily, even to someone that I known as a close friend and a loved ones. I push everyone away when I'm at my lowest point of my life instead of seek for help or friend to talk to, deactivated all my social media, yes it such a bad trait, I don't know, I just feel like I don't deserve anyone in my life, I'm worthless, I don't want to burden everyone around me. It keeps circling me 'till now. I've been diagnosed some mental illnesses— I think I don't need to mention what kind of mental ilness —I've guessed it before, a long time ago, because I had a tendency to commit suicide attempts. That was the worst phase of my life. Suicidal thoughts keeps haunting me till these day but I'm not who I was yesterday, what I've been through, all the bittershits of life has makes me stronger.
Another reason why I find it hard to share it with everyone around me is because they didn't believe that I felt all of this. They said that I have a beautiful life, they look at me as a happy person with a simple problem of life. No, it wasn't their fault at all, I know, it was me, I was too naive with my own life, always act like I'm okay in front of them, laughing, smiling, just like everything is going well. But deep down, I'm drowning, depression and despair eats me up like two dozen times. It's hard to think clearly, run out of energy to cry, loss of interest or pleasure in doing things that were once enjoyed, I don't know what should I do and where should I go. I just wanna disappear, forever.

Yeah, so complicated to put it into words. After all, I'm very greatful that I still surviving till today. I realize, there are so many reasons to stay. Little by little I'm learning to love myself more. Letting go of something that not good for my mental health. Even though I know the process won't be easy, it might takes time. I can still feel depression, anxiety, insecurity, lack of self-esteem, and worthless sometimes. I'm learning to accept. Accept that new bittershit is always be there and I have to prepare myself, accept that depression and its friend is the part of myself, inside me. Allow myself to be vulnerable, write down what I'm feeling in my journal. Believe in myself, it won't always be like this, I've made it so far, I've gotten through so many things that I thought I wouldn't, so why should I scare to keep going? Yes, so easy to say but, hey,  I still alive and breathing. I did it and I'll continue to get though this, whatever it is. The most important thing is I believe that God is always with me. Put God first, in my up and down. Just breath and take a break, convince myself that time will get me back to a place where I know that I'm bigger than all my bittershits.

—pearlaaxy, 4:10 PM.