The Way This Feels

Chapter 4: Almond Milk

Typically, in Indiana, it rains all summer. Well, that's an exaggeration. It rains 50% of the summer. It's like the flip of a coin if it's going to rain on any given day. And then when it starts raining, you think it will never stop. It will rain all week long and never let up, the streets will fill with water, the air will be saturated with a dampness that makes you feel as if you will never be dry again. My favorite is the thunderstorms, I like to open my window at night and listen to the pouring rain punctuated by the loud booming thunder and the white lightning that cracks open the entire sky. I love it, I love the still and settled sensation that it seems to bring in it's wake, like after screaming and crying when your body has finally had enough, the rift of emotion seems to have been purged from your body, leaving you finally still, at peace. 

But so far this summer, there's no rain. The air feels oddly dry, the grass is crunchy, even the lake is muddied and receded from the lack of new water. The only thing any adults talk about is "the midwest drought". I think it's stupid. To me, there's no sense worrying about something as vast as nature that would be impossible to control. 

I get up from a long nap the evening after Echo's impromptu breakfast date intending to forget the whole thing occurred. I don't do emotional outbursts. Not even when Charlie and I broke up, there was no external emotion. I'd rather pretend it never happened. That's how I move on.

So, the best way to keep on going is to get up, to go somewhere, to do something. I walk to the bathroom and look in the mirror. I think I'll walk around, maybe find some people to hang out with. I want to get as far away from what happened this morning as possible. And as far from Echo. So, I pull my choppy hair back in a half "man bun" situation and dig up some of my mom's black eyeliner. Violet taught me how to do eyeliner once before one of our parties during the school year. I work at that for a while until I've recreated something I found on Pinterest. Bold color, slightly heavier on the lower outer corners of my relatively thin eyes, but otherwise subtle. I actually really like it. I wear a button up with the sleeves cuffed at my elbows, and an extra hair tie around one wrist. I finish it with black jeans and heavy boots. Now I feel like myself again.

The first place I go to is the smoke shop. The field is beautiful in the setting sun, and I drink in the sight of blues and lavenders painting the horizon to my left, and the pinks and oranges as the backdrop of the entire town to my right. I breathe heavily. This is summer, this is something I like. As always, the smoke shop rises like a monolith out of the horizon, stark black against the blue, telephone wires spiderwebbing out over the train tracks, a lone white streetlight that blinks artificially on as I approach.

I'm opening the door when someone flies out of nowhere opening it at the same time as me from inside. I leap back to avoid getting hit by the doorframe. God, can't people watch where they're going?

"Oh!" He says, jumping when he sees me. "Um,"

 It's Charlie.

I feel a rush of nervous dread at the sight of him. Of all the people to run into... my ex. He moves to the side, so I can pass him and enter the store. Except he doesn't leave once I'm out of the way, he keeps standing in the front of the shop looking like he expects me to say something. I don't.

"Um," he says again, "It's been a while." He smiles faintly, as he fiddles with a shelf of newspapers up against the door I'd expected him to flee out of.

"Yeah." I look at my feet. "Hi."

"Hi...um," he seems to snap to reality, "So, are you going to Marcus' party?" He blurts out. A party? Didn't I say I wanted to find something to do with myself? I look at Charlie, his eyes bright, hopeful.

"I didn't know he was having one." I admit. "But I might now that you mention it. Are you going?"

His face lights up like a Christmas tree, and I feel uncomfortable. I really shouldn't go to a party with Charlie right now. I glance at the rest of the store. I was going to get cigarettes... but I don't need him to know about that...