Voice Of A Troubled Angel

Chapter Seven: Unwanted Advances

Christiana placed a plate of pancakes and scrambled egga on the granite countertop for her mother, whenever she woke up. She was not aware that her mother was standing behind her bedroom door waiting for Christiana to leave.

   Christiana checked herself in the mirror one last time. All of her cuts and bruises were covered. Usually her mother carefully placed them in areas that would not be seen. And any marks that stood out could be covered with powder or concealer, the only cosmetics Christiana was allowed to have.

   She left for work a moment later.

   Her ankle throbbed as she walked, but she pretended not to feel it. It wasn't a terrible pain; she'd felt worse. Unconsciously, her hand reached up and rubbed her shoulder. The bruise stung more than her ankle.

   Christiana had never felt anger towards her mother for doing what she did to her. She knew everyone loved in their own way.  This, as wrong and painful as it is, was how her mother loved. Even if she had loved in a kinder, more preferable way before.... Her mother did say that beauty and love were pain, and that the only difference between the two was that beauty also equalled narcissism and pride, and love led to disappointment and sacrifice. Though this was the same woman who said happiness was fake.  Christiana questioned whether her mother knew what she was talking about.

   And yet Christiana never dared to venture out to find any other type of love. She didn't bother to wonder if it existed. She never fantasized about what it would be like. The love described in books sounded heavenly. But that love might only live in books, and books were fictional.

    Christiana recalled suddenly, that night two days ago, as she entered the town and passed the diner. She remembered the sleek, black, metal frame of the car, and then the warm leather seats. In a way the car reflected it's owner. Cold and dark on the outside, but capable of warmth and kindness on the inside. That man, with his deep golden eyes that held so much pain and kindness within them....

   No. She had no right to think about him. But she could not stop her eyes from wandering to the parking spaces outside the diner where she first saw his car, and then the corner where he nearly ran her over. 

   She needed to stop. She cannot allow herself to think about him. She never thought about anyone, and as sinful as it was, she had secretly prided herself on never thinking of anyone, of remaining in her solitary world of fictitious lies.

   Erik was a person. He was a man. He was obviously handsome and wealthy and had many secrets. She did not like him and he did not like her. Even if he did... if he or anyone else knew about her... damaging problems, he would leave her and she'd only have her books to console her second broken heart. That heart that had not healed since it was broken the first time, with a wound that reopened every time her mother raised her hand. No, no one would want her after finding out about her, and damaged people did not want other damaged people. Whole people didn't want damaged people.

   Another broken heart would break her. And she already had one broken person in her life.

   Christiana shook her head and cleared her mind of dreams she was considering entertaining, when she never knew they existed before. It was a waste to dream of things that would never and could never happen.

   She was shocked, when half an hour later, Erik walked in. But she did not possess the pride or self confidence to think he came to see her. He surely did not.

                          ✖

   Erik trembled as he walked in and saw Christiana stacking books at the counter. Her green eyes glanced at him and she nodded in greeting.