Blooming Day

1. Alone

He should feel used to this by now; the loneliness. The dorm is empty tonight. His Hyungs are out drinking, so he couldn't come along. Even if he could, he thinks, he probably wouldn't want to, and he's sure the Dreamies would let him stay over, but he needs nights like these to himself to think, to cry, to scream, to curse over the only other person who isn't allowed to go out drinking, the person who is halfway around the world right now and is probably having the time of his life.

Donghyuck stands up from the spot on the couch he has sat in for the past couple hours trying to get his brain to shut off by watching shitty dramas. His legs feel shaky under him. He isn't eating enough. He ignores this and drags himself into the bedroom he shares with Mark. He thinks about getting into his own bed only for a second. This is always how these nights go. He cries himself to sleep in Marks bed. The Hyungs know that if they come to wake him up and he isn't in his own bed, that they need to be extra gentle with him that day. Donghyuck hates being seen as that fragile, but his Hyungs aren't wrong. He is fragile. He feels the cracks in his collected nature deepen further every day. At least Mark isn't here to listen to him fall apart. It makes it worse to know that the person you love most in the world is right there, but too afraid to reach out.

He has to stop crying, so he pulls out his phone and looks through the most recent videos that have been uploaded on the NCT YouTube channel. He clicks on one that he remembers filming. It is some sort of challenge, he isn't really paying attention, what he is paying attention to is himself. He watches as even when the other Hyungs are trying to explain the challenge, he is clinging to Mark's side trying to get a rise out of him. These are the moments when he wishes he had even the slightest bit of self-control. Usually when these moments make it into the final videos, the viewers see Mark jokingly getting upset and annoyed with Donghyuck, but Hyuck can't bring himself to see the part of Mark that is joking. He looks so tired and it feels too real all of the sudden.

Donghyuck puts down his phone and finds his gaze drifting over to his own bed. He wonders if Mark missed rolling over and seeing Donghyuck in the bed next to him while they were in separate rooms. Hyuck missed it so much that he doesn't like to sleep in his own bed when Mark is away. It reminds him too much of those months of terrible sleep and salty tears he endured back in 2017. He can't be gladder that they are in the same room again, at least he can get a goodnight sleep every once and a while, but part of him thought that moving back in together would mean they had grown up or moved on. The tension between them never left. The fear they both feel towards the other is still tangible. As the months of Mark not being able to hold his gaze trudge on, the fear seeps deeper and deeper into Donghyuck's bones. Mark hates him. He's sure of it these days, and he can't blame him. Hyuck hates himself just as much if not more, because it wasn't always like this. They used to represent comfort for each other. No matter how hard things got, Donghyuck always had a place in Mark's arms and Mark in his. He ruined it. He took the closest friendship he's ever had and crushed it in just one night.