Blooming Day

3. Play By The Rules

2 ½ years later, Donghyuck hates to admit, he is still the same heartbroken 17-year-old in a lot of ways. He isn't faking it when he has fun with his Hyungs or when he's meeting fans, but when the lights go off and he can't sleep, the wounds seem to open all over again.

The two youngest 127 members are on better terms now, nonetheless. Any resentment Donghyuck felt towards Mark has long since left him, being replaced by a self-hatred he only lets creep up on him on nights like these. In most ways, Donghyuck is very happy, and most of the time he doesn't let his doubts get in the way of being who he is, but sometimes he wonders if he should let them get in the way. He looks back on shows 127 have filmed together, and he certainly doesn't look at himself as being resilient for acting the way he does. He sees himself and sees a nuisance who doesn't know when to stop. He's used to his Hyungs acting annoyed with him, it's part of their dynamic, but it makes it a hell of a lot more real when it's Mark looking at him, obviously annoyed and exhausted.

Maybe it's naivety, but even after everything that happened between them Mark is still Donghyuck's favorite person. His person, full stop. He is reminded every time he sees him laugh, whenever he watches him do something absolutely idiotic, when they are with the Dreamies and Mark knows exactly what to say to make everything better, and it really makes him wonder: how can someone who is so kind and caring, break another person's heart the way Mark did and not feel a thing? After years of wondering Donghyuck has inevitably found an answer to that question as well. It seems so obvious that it's his fault. Mark would never do this to anybody else, it's because it's Donghyuck. the idea of them being together forever is so ingrained into his head from when they were trainees that parts of him are still convinced that Mark feels the exact same. Nights like these never fail to make Donghyuck terrified of ever knowing the truth. On nights like these Donghyuck feels like he already knows.

Before he really knows what he's doing, his phone is in his hands and he's clicking on Marks contact. It only rings twice before there is crackling on the other line and a groggy sounding voice echoes through. "Hyuck?" Donghyuck figured he'd be awake given his early rising habits and its obvious he caught him right as he was waking up. He has no idea when his sleep deprived brain decided to think this midnight call through this much, but he is at least glad he won't be waking the other up.

"Hey..." Donghyuck's voice cracked more than he would like.

"What's up? Isn't it like midnight there?" Mark genuinely sounded concerned for a second and it makes Donghyuck want to cry. Maybe he shouldn't have called.

"Um nothing, I uh, I just wanted to see how things were going." He definitely isn't doing a good job of convincing himself, but then again Mark never needed much convincing to think that everything was okay. Mark can probably hear him crying on the other end of the call and Donghyuck doubts he'll say a thing.

"Uh sure, things are going really well Hyuckie." He almost sounds guilty.

"Good...I... I worry." What the hell does that mean? Donghyuck thinks. He feels like someone has taken over his body and is making him say the absolute worst things he could possibly be saying.

"I know you do, Hyuck." Mark's response confuses him just as much. He feels like this conversation is spiraling out of control.

"But you are good..." He continues anyway, saying it more like a statement than a question. He is trying to convince himself again.

"Yeah, the Hyungs are taking good care of me." This clears up why Donghyuck feels like he needs to convince himself. The image in his head of his relationship with Mark is like looking in the mirror. He knows he could never go without Mark, and the part of him that, even after 2 ½ years, still hasn't acknowledged the end of their friendship thinks that Mark still feels the same.

He realizes he has been quiet for too long as Mark starts speaking again. "Is everything alright, Hyuck?" Donghyuck wasn't expecting that, but he refuses to get his hopes up.

He treats it like any of their other conversations recently. "Of course, it is." He sighs.

"What does that mean?" What is happening? Why isn't Mark just letting it go? What game does he think he's playing after all these years?

"Really, Mark, it's fine. Thanks for picking up." He assures in an equally tired tone, preparing to fall asleep with the sting of unshed tears behind his eyelids.

"Wait, tell me what's wrong." Mark insists. This is incredibly out of character and Donghyuck doesn't know what to say. The line stays silent as Donghyuck tries and fails to place this response in the limited categories of responses he expects from Mark. It's never like this but Mark continues anyway. "I worry too, you know?" Donghyuck wants to vomit. He needs to stop this. Now.

He starts off saying what he planned on saying, but as his response grows longer, he feels himself lose more and more control over his tongue. "Nothing's wrong, Hyung." Perfect. "I just wanted to hear your voice and make sure you were doing alright." Not perfect. "You're my best friend, remember?" What the fuck? Mark doesn't seem to know what to say. Donghyuck's rational side is equally as lost, but the part that is in love with Mark Lee and still heartbroken to this day knows exactly what it wants to say. "I'm still your best friend too, right?" God, I'm such a fucking joke. Silence.

"Hyuck, where is this coming from?" Mark asks sounding exasperated.

Suddenly Donghyuck doesn't want to know the answer.

"I... Never mind, Hyung. I shouldn't have called." The conversation should be over now.

But tonight's Mark is refusing to play by the rules. "No. Please, I want to understand." It feels like he's talking about more than tonight. "What is going on, why are you crying?"

He is officially off script. "I'm not crying" He definitely is. "I just..." What?

"What..." Mark voices for him.

"You're my person, Mark." Donghyuck likes to compartmentalize. The "part" of him that loves Mark is supposed to be separate from who he really is, but in moments like these, when he can't use the script he's written to keep things sorted, the pain gets overwhelming. Its not just a part of him anymore.

"Donghyuck..." Mark's voice sounds like it is splintering and Donghyuck can't take it.

"I'm not expecting you to understand, I just want you to know." It's the truth. He needed to say it. The Hyungs would just look at him with pity. This way he only pities himself.

"You're right, I don't understand." He didn't expect Mark to understand, but the coldness in his tone still makes the sentiment knock the air out of his lungs.

"Yeah, I figured." If he felt the same, he would understand. He should stop here, but the waterfall has already started "I just want you to know that even if you think I'm annoying and rude, and immature and selfish. Even if you never understand me. I want you to know that if I had one day left on earth, I'd want to spend it with you."

Donghyuck can't really tell who the crying noises are coming from because they mingled so tightly in the shared audio, but there were noises on the other side of the call. "I don't know what to say." He hears Mark sniffle and he refuses to imagine Mark lee crying right now.

"I don't think I know either." It's the truth. Donghyuck yawns. He isn't sure if he's just confessed to his best friend, or if it was just a normal conversation. Mark's voice is unreadable and Donghyuck is exhausted.

More silence. "Um...you should get to sleep Hyuck. It's too late for you to be up." The change in topic didn't do anything to help their situation, but it is still welcome.

His chance to run away again. "Okay. Goodnight, Hyung."

And Mark lets him run "Goodnight, Hyuck."

Donghyuck knows better than to run without giving a goodbye. "I love you." He says like it means the exact same thing it meant when they were 13.

"I... I love you too." Mark didn't sound like his 13-year-old past self. He sounds like a man now. Donghyuck needs to get out of this call. He hangs up without another word.