black & white ; n.m.

i. ; confession

warnings: alcohol use, cursing, mentions of heartache, dealing with a breakup, minor jokes about alcohol use, nc-17, some light smut.

a/n: hi. this is my wattpad debut since probably late 2018. i hope you guys like this. please be gentle with the comments, or if you want, lay it on me. i hope y'all enjoy <3

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feelin' lost, don't know what to do. but i just got some head in the back of my coupe. still feelin' dead when i think about you..

juice wrld's lyrics filled your ears, ringing as the bass of the speaker vibrating the entirety of the room. you took another swig of moscato, warmth seeping into your chest from the alcohol. you felt tingly from your toes to your head, your vision blurred from tears. you were sitting on the floor of your bedroom in your apartment, reminiscing on past memories with a broken heart.

your boyfriend, well now, ex-boyfriend of six years broke it off about three weeks ago, the pain still apparent as you drank away your feelings. of course it was the only way you felt you could cope, as you weren't much of a smoker. you didn't want to set up a tinder either, as hookups wouldn't fill the gaping void in your heart. the meaningless sex would only create a deeper feeling of loneliness and despair. 

so, you turned to binge drinking, in vain attempts to numb your heartbreak. with a dismal appetite, the only thing you could stomach lately was the alcohol. you grabbed whatever sounded best, making runs to the nearest liquor store almost every night. currently, you were on your second bottle of pink moscato, about one third of the way down.

as you sat on your floor, supported by your bed, you phone vibrated on the floor next to your thigh, curiosity filling you to the brim as you pondered who could have reached out to you. when you read the contact name, your heart skipped a beat in your chest.

noel - i noticed your post on your story. i'm really worried about you. i'm on my way over in ten after wrapping up this video with cody.

you scrambled to your feet, dread filling you once you realized that you were in no state to see noel. but you knew he was adamant about coming over regardless. he was your best friend, the two of you holding a tight bond. noel was one of the main reasons why your ex dumped you. he thought that the two of you were too close, that you were cheating on him with noel. of course, it was a heaping pile of horseshit, as the relationship between the two of you was extremely platonic.

as a semi-popular youtuber, your platform mainly consisted of random videos, ranging from roasting other content, to fashion videos where you vlogged a trip to a thrift store. your following amassed to about ninety-thousand subscribers on youtube, almost over a hundred thousand on instagram. you met noel at a party, through kelsey, cody's girlfriend. since you were a friend of kelsey's she introduced you to noel, who was with aleena at the time. however, the two of you hit it off, establishing a strong friendship.

a good portion of your following could be attributed to cody and noel, as you were a frequent guest on their podcast and videos. many of your fans commented constantly about how you and noel were the perfect couple, but you knew it would never happen. besides, noel was getting over his own heartbreak.

aleena ended things with noel approximately three months ago, so noel was in a different stage of healing than you. he was realizing his own self-worth once again, the sadness disintegrating by the day. you yearned to be in that stage already, but the breakup was too recent, the wound scored across your heart fresh.

running a hand through your hair, you let out a sigh as you attempted to look presentable. in your mind, you knew that noel wouldn't mind, but you wanted to at least try. quickly, you wiped away the old mascara staining your eyelids. you washed your face, throwing on a new hoodie as well. you scooped up the empty bottles off the floor, tossing them into the trash can. the less noel saw, the better.