When Nothing is Ever Simple

CHAPTER FIVE

Sam ambles over when he sees me in the form room the next morning and opens his mouth but I beat him to it.

"I'm sorry."

"I am as well."

"I've been keeping stuff from you, and I promised I wouldn't, that time when we first got together. I feel bad and I'm... I'm ready to tell you everything."

"I've been pressurizing you and Ifeel terrible so I would like to apologise too." He gives me a fierce hug.

"Sam, something's come up - last night - and I need to talk to someone about it. But perhaps I should begin from the beginning to clear a few things up." I look him right in the eye. "This is the first and probably last time I will ever tell anyone what I am about to tell you." I take a deep breath and take in Sam's earnest expression. He's not going to judge me, or laugh at me, or hate me; he's just going to listen.

"But I don't care because I trust you. I'm not going to exaggerate the truth, or make it sound like something it isn't, or leave out bits which I'm embarrassed about - I'm just going to tell you straight." This is only a half truth because I'm leaving one part out but I ignore this and just start talking. It comes more easily than I thought it would.

"When I was six, my dad... passed away and my mum just broke down. She began to drink to hide the pain and sometimes it made her forget to do some of the basic things. Like making me breakfast or taking me to school. I became very independent very quickly. She could still be a good mum when she wasn't drinking or out clubbing; she would think up stupid ideas and put on Abba CDs while cooking the dinner with me but it wasn't the same as it was before he died.  I had the constant threat that she would stagger home drunk one Friday night then spend the next two days in bed, leaving me to care for her other daughters.

"And then the boyfriends started. She had a lot. Some lasted for a couple of months or so, some less than a week. It was her way of getting through the pain, the depression. By the time I was seven and a half, she had become pregnant with Amber, who is now nine. The problem was, the drinking and the boyfriends continued even after a few years. After Amber, she had Jasmine and then the twins in quick succession. By this point, I was ten and already an expert in looking after babies. It wasn't all the time, like it is now though.

"When she kicked out Kyle, Sammie and Tasha's dad, she tried to get better and become an ordinary mum to us again and it seemed to be working. She still drank a bit, although less than before, but she didn't have any boyfriends for a while. Until she met Geoffrey. I thought it was all going to start up again, but Geoffrey was different. Geoffrey was funny, kind-hearted and he loved Mum to bits. Three months into their relationship, Mum became pregnant with Maya - this was four years ago.

"Geoffrey was a great father and better still, he was encouraging Mum to go to AA meetings to quit the drink. Life was better than it ever had been before and I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I had a solid relationship with Geoffrey as well - we were both quite similar in a lot of ways which meant we got along.

"So, everything was going brilliantly, there was even a chance of them getting married - until Mum did something stupid. She had a rare night out with some of her friends and was led on by this guy who later became Lola's father. Of course, Geoffrey couldn't bear that she had denied his trust so packed his bags and left the next day. Everything went downhill again after that. Mum was heart-broken and she hated herself more than ever. The drinking became worse than it had been before. She lost her job as a hairdresser because she never turned up for work. Lola was born and we had to move from our little flat in Stockport. She tried to look after Lola properly for the first few months but she couldn't handle it and although I've never mentioned it, I think that she hates Lola just for being there as a reminder of what she did.