your best american girl ✓

24 | war casualties

a/n

there is a potentially very graphic self harm scene in this chapter. there will be a warning when it starts and ends, so proceed with caution. that being said, i wouldn't include this scene if i didn't feel like it was important, so i do hope that if you do chose to read it, you read closely. 

---

She died at 6:14 pm. A broken neck, 3 shattered ribs, lots of internal bleeding in her organs.

Or at least that's what they told me. Judging by the way her head was limply tilted on her shoulder, I think she died on impact.

By the time Faye and I arrived, it was too late. The last glimpse I got of her alive was when she was covered in a baby blue piece of fabric, a large gash on her forehead. A handful of doctors urgently rushed her onto a stretcher and wheeled her down the hall. What followed happened in slow motion. Me, trying to run after her, the smell of alcohol from the hand sanitizer dispenser filling my nasal passages. Faye, behind me, trying to pull me back. Unfortunately, I wasn't allowed in the room while they tried to operate on her, not that somehow my presence would've magically helped her stay alive. It wouldn't have made a difference. She was never gonna make it.

3 hours later, Faye and I were still at the hospital, curled up on the squeaky plastic chairs. Neither of us said a word since we got here. Most of our time was spent with me trying to rub her back as she cried and cried. All the while, a single tear never escaped my eye. It's weird. When my dad died, I cried every night for a year. This loss—it's different. More painful. It feels like my insides have been hollowed out and nipped and smooshed. Empty. Because this woman helped shape every fiber of my existence. Losing her is like losing a part of myself—not only because we shared DNA—but because she means everything to me. Molten hot anger fizzled into immense fear, then melted to nothing.

Was this how she felt the day dad died?

Drearily, I watch as the doctors converse amongst themselves. I could tell they are talking, but for some reason, the ringing in my ears makes my brain refuse to comprehend what they're saying, so instead, I simply nod. From what I can gather, they're telling us to leave and take care of ourselves.

Slowly, Faye rises onto her feet, still clutching onto her crumpled tissue. Gingerly, I follow her lead, and side by side, we walk down the windy hallway. Flickering LED lights illuminate in our path. IV packets teeter back and forth on their racks, connected by clear tubes. Nurses rush by us, their scrubs and masks are blotches of blue as they pass us. The elevator button chimes, signaling its arrival. Floorboard creak underneath me as we board, selecting the button at the lowest level. In no time, the doors open, and we step out into the night.

Luckily, Faye somehow snagged the closest parking spot, next to the handicapped ones. In the hand without the tissues, Faye clicks open her doors, and I claim the passenger seat. Snapping on our seatbelts, she peels out of the lot and onto the road. Instead of training my gaze in front of me, my attention drifts to the window next to me. Condensation has collected onto the glass, and I use my palm to wipe away some of the distilled vapor. Houses pass by us at an alarming speed. Faye swerves around Reynold's park, where the seaside stares back at me. Crazy to think that hours ago, we were there, making amends with someone that I thought I'd never forgive.

Suddenly, the car comes to a halt at a red light. A spray of colors from the tail lights blur my vision, but through the mess of pixels, I see the path my mother used to take every weekend. Various shrubs and bushes on the bumpy earth surround the pavement. In a flash, a rush of memories flood my mind at once, and I'm brought back to the moment I was there myself. I was always running and chasing after her, but it didn't matter how fast I was because it wasn't enough. I couldn't keep up. The distance only grew whenever I picked up the pace. Then, it seemed like just as she was starting to slow down, I passed her completely. And she disappeared. Slipped from my grasp entirely.