Schizophrenic Nation

As early as possible I could recall something was not right, in a sense that the things that I touched turned badly. Not always completely badly but if I was around there was always some kind of drama. Schizophrenia, and depression as they call it, rings true to my life, from an early age into adulthood, carried over from my mothers genetics. I would like to start with the first trip to the doctors. I wasn't going to school, I always wanted to stay home, around the 7th, and 8th grade. My mother was trying to figure out what was going on with me, and decided to get me help, because I might be sick just like her. This was when I was first diagnosed with depression, and had to take medication called Zoloft. This was also my first time admitting to trying to suicide, I tried to drown myself in the bathtub, but it didn't go so well. All was good for a while I entered 9th grade, into a very bad school and maintained straight A's throughout the school year. My family later moved out of the area, into the county, we used to live in the city. The new area was very nice, and safe. But I had trouble adjusting to the new school, and atmosphere. So I managed to get C's throughout the rest of my high school year. I stopped taking my medication during this time period too, so that may have been a major factor with the displayed results. My high school year was like most of anyone else's I had friends, I played soccer, got badly injured (tore the ACL in my right knee), and couldn't play again. Had secret crushes, didn't go to prom. Lucky enough to have a car, and got a job, started hanging with the wrong people. I know what your thinking, that is so stupid. right? Right, but I didn't know that at the time, as it is hard for me to judge people, because it's not something that I do. Keep in mind I'm still young, and inexperienced at life. Making bad decisions with an illness can be brutally fatal, to one's surroundings. Especially to one's judgement, while other major factors play a special key such as how do you know they are the wrong people until it is too late? While I'm not perfect, very far from it. So it coincides with other peoples life's values, so I always was taught not to judge a book by it's cover, because you never know which shoe is on which foot, or whom is on the other side of the door. So I often find out news the hard way or while it's too late due to having a mental illness. When I reflect on it, I can't believe that it's what I went through, or had to go through. Like I keep, and kept thinking why couldn't I hold it together. The answer isn't always easy, yet life is difficult. As it seems life was just throwing me hardball after hardball, and I couldn't hang with it. That's the funny thing about getting hit with a hardball, you just have to learn how to sway with the problem, not much you can do, but wait it out. It's like your in the eye of the storm for however long, just waiting. Some people might disagree with me, thinking there are things you can do, maybe there are, maybe there's not. But however truth be told, some things that you are just waiting it out for, takes time, and some help. Things that I've failed to realize, that I needed help, and for a very long time. That's why I kept getting into, and repeating problem, after problem. My judgement was ridiculously clouded without medication. But more on that later, for now I want to talk more about where I left of with making bad decisions. It's strange how you can meet people under the unusual circumstances, and they turn your life around for the worse. Almost amazing actually, one day I was out looking for something to do, and I drove by my high school at that time, and saw a mutual student standing there waiting for his ride. So I got some stupid sudden feeling that I should help him out, do something kind for another. So that is what I did, I turned around and offered him a ride home, and we became friends. Starting hanging out, not knowing he's a sleight of hand, somehow I'm feeling like he willed me into his life. One evening me, and him adventured into familiar territory with my old friends into a late night get together, where we entertained ourselves by doing very much whatever. So I was asked, and instructed to pick up a girl, who later I would later attempted to have sexual intercourse with. In the meantime my friends became my not so much friends anymore, stole my car keys from me somehow, and drove my car around joyriding, and eventually crashed the car. It was very bad it costed me so much time, money, relationships, and more. After in engaging in an sexual evening with this girl it wasn't working out, it was my first time, and it didn't go well. So we decided to call it quits. When we go downstairs there they were in the living room waiting for me to tell me what has happened, that he was sorry, and jealous. They showed me where they crashed the car, so it was probably fifteen minutes, to half an hour away by walk. So I had to call the police when I got the scene, an explain. At that very moment I'm not thinking very much my mind was drawing blanks. all I could think about was one of my high school teachers, who earlier said if you get into an altercation with the police you don't have to say anything. For some odd reason, I felt like I was forced into using his advice as my repertoire. So I did very much just that, all I said to the police was that my car was stolen, and crashed. That I didn't know what else has happened. I was later arrested for not cooperating with the police. Now I felt like I should have divulged more, but there's literally nothing I can do about it now. There are no time machines where I can go back in time, and change events. Luckily I was able to use a strangers phone to call my mother, and explain what had happened. So the next morning they were there to pick me up at jail.I imagine my parents were very disappointed with me, but they were very forgiving. I guess they were glad I was alright, and things could have been worse. But I had to hear lectures on how bad I messed up for such a long time. I kind of want to blame this situation on my sister, even though it's not her fault. But to the extent that she led me into false territory by not being there for me when I probably needed her the most. When she was also doing the same stuff, messing up, and hanging with the wrong people She also had a mental illness, and didn't have help, but currently is receiving medical treatment. She is also diagnosed with schizophrenia, and depression. So together I think it's called schizoaffective disorder is the proper terminology of my diagnosis. Schizoaffective disorder is a mental health disorder that is marked by a combination of schizophrenia symptoms, such as hallucinations or delusions, and mood disorder symptoms, such as depression or mania. So as I was arrested, my friend at that time was also arrested, from what I remember we were both taken to the local juvenile detention center afterwards. Later on I was free, but I also remember I had to talk to this women in charge to whom I gave some attitude, because I was so upset with myself I didn't want to talk to anyone. She later on quickly, and bluntly added on to how lucky I was to have parents to pick me up, and that he had none come get him. I was thinking to myself yeah "I know". To this day I still have no idea how he got his fingers on my car keys, so I'm thinking it had to be sleight of hand.. It's so strange how quick people can come into your life, and wreck it for no good reason at all. I'm now thinking that if I was taking medication during this time period, I would have been minding my own business, and this would not have happened. Honestly it's the truth, I was obviously not doing well mentally. Who in their right mind picks up someone on the side of the road, and expects things to go correctly. I'm trying not to be to harsh on myself, because the past is the past, people make mistakes, and I should probably leave it at that. But on the other hand if I was taking medication at this time, I'm most certain this would not have happened. I would of had much better judgement, and all of my idle thoughts wouldn't have been so misconstrued. So there is a huge difference in the circumstances of why you should be taking your medication, and why you are taking your medication. My situation for instance, I was probably not labeled as schizophrenic for life at that time, and was expected that I could become better, versus what I know now, is that I am going to have schizoaffective disorder for the rest of my life, and taking medication is the only way for me to maintain wellness. But when I was younger I never really heard voices, so those are the differences between myself now, and when I was younger. So many people take medication based on their diagnosis, but for me when I was younger I was unknowingly going to produce a consistent amount of wrong or average remarks, something that I would knowingly not want. For I always reached for high remarks, and achievements in every aspect I've gotten myself into. So I always wondered why the heck I wasn't doing so well, and now I have answers. But I'm remembering not to be so hard on myself, because I'm still only human, and sometimes we have our bad days, and sometimes for quite some time. Other times I remember that I didn't always put the hard work, and effort into my studies. But knowledge, and news were seldomly there in that department. Things were knowingly just expected out of no where, and that's how things were thought of from my point of view. Then there is why you are taking your medication, of course the obvious answer is because it's recommended that you, and I do too stay well/ Also to keep the demons away. But the most fantastic reason is that all the devastation our illness creates, it makes all the havoc go away, or at least most of them. Sometimes I wonder to myself how do the doctors know that the medicine works itself, but I guess anyone can have an illness, especially a therapist or psychiatrist, which would be sometime, and rather ironic. So they would of had to tried medicine to know as well. But that's the just the way the world turns around, I'm probably better of not wondering particularly why on this subject too much. But I also keep on forgetting to mention I think I might have ADHD in my therapy session, which isn't the biggest of deals, but does play a factor in my development whether I have it or not. I'll just try my best to remember to mention it in my next session with my therapist to see what she say's. Well the main things are if you don't take your medication you'll end up in a rut somehow, so that's why it's important to take your medication, and I know a lot of people don't want to hear it, that was including myself. But now I'm seeing a brighter side now that I'm consistently taking my medication. That it's not so bad, and I just had a lot of phobia's when it came to taking medication, like side effects for one, someone tampering with it for two, and for three the pure annoyance of the entire situation. Being confided to taking your medication the same time, every day. I think mainly my phobia's developed when I saw how much medicine my mother had taken before she passed away, and the answer is I secretly purely just became scared. Because she literally took at least six different medications for her mental illness.Which I think is way too much, and I don't know what to actually say about it, because I'm not a doctor, and I cannot exert any professional opinion because I'm not a doctor. Too me it just seemed not right, I remember I went to the same office after her passing away to get help, and I was told her Doctor was no longer working for them. I'm wondering if it's because he was doing something wrong, I mean I never really asked about it to anyone because it's not something you really talk about, or in my case I often forget, so I wouldn't remember too. I think that's also part of my illness, not remembering things, which has been becoming increasingly better, and I have been well enough to write this autobiography. So I honestly don't know where I would be without the medication, I recently got into a car accident, because I wasn't taking my medication, and gotten my license suspended. So luckily I will be given a second chance it sounds like. But more on this stuff later I kind of got side tracked with whether or not my mother should receive some kind of justice for taking more then six types of medications at a time., and I guess it's just one of those things I'll have to inquiry about from a professional. So taking your medication is important, but too much is worry-some. I think that's why I became so scared, the amount of medication my mother had stashed upon retrieval of her death was scary, and it just looked like someone would be overdosing off of it, but she passed away due to a heart attack. I guess it's way to late bring it up now, but talking about it helps, and getting things off your chest is what a person needs, instead of bottling things up, and keeping things to yourself for such a long time. Not knowing what to do with ill feelings, and emotions, thoughts or actions is what gets a person. So I'm probably one who never did the correct thing with my bottled up feelings because I never took my medicine consistently until recently, which I now feel like I so desperately needed, but how can you scream or cry for help, when you don't know what's what, and where to start for asking for help. Many people are in some sort of similar problem or situation, they want to cry for help but do not know where to start, in that which of course every situation is different, because not every person needs medication. But for the ones that do, I pray to god that you receive the help you need, and deserve Later after things became situated, I got my first girlfriend, a long distant relationship, and it didn't last that long. She was originally from New York, but was going to school in Pennsylvania, we met over the internet. She had made me feel things that I've never ever felt before, at least that's how it went when we would talk together. We were together for a few months, until she went and cheated on me. I guess that I wasn't enough for her, and that she needed someone in front of her. I still remember her one of the last things she said to me before parting ways "your bluntly stupid". I think about it every now, and then. Maybe I am stupid, but then again maybe I'm not, and it was just her perspective. I still miss her, but not that much, it's okay as long as I was the mature one I think. I don't think that my mental illness had much to do with the break up with my first girlfriend, unless it was something that I did, which I'm completely oblivious too. Then life went on afterwards I continued meeting people off of the internet, most of them I developed a deep friendship with, and I maintained a job at the Olive Garden for a while, but became completely and utterly frustrated with, and ended up quitting without notice. Then ended up working at the T-Mobile at the local mall. But that too eventually came to an end. I think mostly it was because of me being a schizophrenic that I ended up quitting both jobs. The Olive Garden job was mostly a lot of negative thinking, because of fellow co-workers. I managed to develop awful feelings based on everyone's attitude which wasn't always easy to get a long with. I always wanted to go out , and do things while I was stuck at work. I think basically I became depressed, and didn't want to work anymore, so I quit. Then things were also going well with my job at T-Mobile for a while, but that too I even became depressed, and I started experiencing pay problems, after becoming there number one salesman. Then someone kept stealing, and nobody knew who it was, and as I quit due to depression, I was later arrested due to suspicion of stealing over five hundred dollars worth of merchandise from T-Mobile, which was absurd, but later found innocent. But I was feeling very depressed with working there, but not as depressed as with Olive Garden, and my job before that working with desert at Golden Corral. I was doing good in the beginning of all the jobs, but I guess after you get used to things it becomes second nature, and you seem not to care as much, or something for some reason. Except for T-mobile I was doing exceptionally well, but I guess everything goes downhill somewhere. I wonder what would of changed, or be different if my depression was actually managed, I probably would have been working at T-Mobile, and Olive Garden part time. It sucks being depressed because it affects every little thing in your life. Now that I think about it, I was majorily sick, that's why I didn't work that long at Olive Garden. I also remember staying with my brother from time to time while working at Olive Garden. He was usually there for me all the time, even though he was a heroin addict. I come from a big family, I have two younger brothers, and older sister, and an older half sister, and an older half brother. My older half brother the one I stayed with from time to time, and one of my younger brothers are probably the only children my mother produced that doesn't have depression. If they do have depression, or any other illness, it's not known, or they both never talked about it. As i recall now when I worked for T-Mobile, I got my second girlfriend. Which was also short lived, I remember her friend gave me her number, to call her, because she was shy. So indeed I did call her, and we hit it off. But eventually things went south when I heard from a mutual friend that her ex boyfriend who went away to join the army, was coming back, so naturally I thought they were to hook up, which they did, and I managed to find another girlfriend, which really pissed her off. Because the last time I saw her was at the bar, not so long after my mother passed away I went to the bar with a friend to celebrate joining the Knights of Columbus. I was on my way to the bathroom, she saw me, but I didn't see her, and she followed me, and smacked the hell out of me before I knew what happened. I turned around and asked her why she did that for, she said because you cheated on me. I didn't have the heart to say "what about your ex-boyfriend". So I continued to the bathroom, washed my hands, and did my business. I later went to play billiards, and had a few beers with my friend. She kept getting her little girlfriends to come, and talk to me, but I was so depressed because my mother passed away that I didn't mention it at all, or anything for that matter. I was just quiet, and minding my tone. All I told her girlfriend was that she was being really immature. Life happens suddenly sometimes a little to suddenly, and your not sure how to handle things, in this case I was just speechless. I wish I would've talked to her, if I could change back the hands of time, or if I ever see her again, maybe we could talk once again, I'm not sure about what though. Maybe to just explain how I was feeling, and what had happened the last time we had seen each other. I was so depressed around that time, and I didn't have medication to help take care of myself which made matters most. Which explains why I had been so distant, and non-communicative from essentially everything. Not so long after I quit T-Mobile I, and another ex co-worker were planning to join the US. Army together. We took the intelligent test together, both scored high and everything. But because someone kept stealing, and I got arrested I was unable to join the US. Army because I had to go to court. I can't say the same for him because he worked in a different station. So for the longest time I was not working, and I was just basically there depressed not knowing what to do.I also managed to break up with the new girlfriend too, I strongly think it was because of depression. I can tell because of the way my behavior was dark to put it mildly I didn't know at the time because if I did I would have done anything, and everything to try to make my relationship work. I also was just generally depressed around that time period for god knows what reason. But how many reasons can there be that your depressed for. I think it's just something that happens, I haven't had that spark in my life, that eccentric spark that makes life worth living for. The hope, and joy of living. I haven't had any of it for such a long time, it was always depression getting the best of me. I've had a few girlfriends also that I forgot to mention in between the first, and now but it wasn't really worth mentioning because the relationship was short lived, and not my fault for breaking up this time. So something else I can blame on not depression which feels good. But maybe it was something that I did that made them grow out of interest of me, or it was they fell in love with another, which usually was, or is the case in most situations I think So things were pretty bland in my life for a while I worked some normal jobs here, and there. Then I found my fourth girlfriend through mutual friends, and worked as an electrician for a while. We were together for maybe about two to three years, I eventually ended up quitting my job as an electrician because I was deeply depressed I think. I also was feeling like I couldn't do things correctly, or things weren't coming together as they should. I was also being teased, and made fun of by other co-workers. There was very little I could do, because everybody played their favorite sides, picked, and decided who was cool or not. Or I guess in this case who got made fun of, so it was just a lot of little things adding up, and I eventually decided I should quit. Plus the job commute was pretty terrible, it was an hour to get to work, and an hour to come back from work, because the job site was at a hospital. I liked things for a while don't get me wrong, it's just there were things I couldn't, or didn't handle correctly, so maybe it was just best for everyone that I quit before something escalated into something much bigger, and the conflict doesn't get someone hurt. But if I could turn back the hands of time, I would probably just try to manage the harassment better, because you can't always complain every time something bad happens you know. But in the meantime things between me, and my girlfriend were going well, I ended up getting another job working at The Body Shop, but even that had it short lived life, I eventually quit working their too. I liked the job there, I wasn't depressed either. I got along with everyone, and everyone treated each other with respect. My girlfriend eventually went back to her home in New York, while she was here for college, and things became long distant. We truly fell apart when my mother passed away, and I joined the US. Navy. I ended up receiving a medical discharge from the Navy of depression, because I was just not over the death of my mother, and so many things were expected of me. I just couldn't bear it. I think this is the first time I actually heard a voice, when I was in the Navy. I was going to write my girlfriend a letter, and something in my head told me no not too. So the distance just grew even further apart. Maybe we would be together still if I wrote her some mail. Or kissed her the day after my mothers funeral It's all to hard to tell, nobody is truly psychic, they might be able to foretell some things, but not everything. I remember the psychic adventures and nature of things was something I heavily invested my time into at one point of time. Like I was curious about how it worked, but I do know one thing for sure though cat's are super psychic. Here's something you can try as an experiment, I once saw a video of a regular Joe schmo person put a red ball inside one of three cups for the cat to correctly choose which one it was in once the cups had been rearranged. I was stunned with excitement, and decided I would try when my sister bought a cat one day, I asked if I could spend time with it before she goes home to her, and she said yea. So I had a deck of tarot cards, which consist of seventy two cards, not fifty two like regular cards. So I asked the cat to pick the magician's card after rearranged all the cards not showing themselves, and she managed to put her little paw out, and choose the magicians card. I was completely shocked of what had happened. This is the first concrete example of some kind of psychic activity I could prove. I don't know how the cat did it, but she did. It strongly makes me wonder what goes on beyond the depths of normal psychic day to day activity. So being psychic is actually a true thing,, not as much as telling someone there fortune, or future without knowing them. I also always wondered why people could out of the blue say things that I had just heard or that of which I was thinking. I guess some people are more responsive to being psychic then others So I think being psychic is a true thing, I'll go along and say witchcraft is also a real thing too, because I remember witches would always need to use a cat for some kind of purpose. Also if witchcraft were not a real thing, then why did they have to take witches to court back in the day, or they were able to accuse people of witchcraft, and the court much obliged to there answers. So the Salem witch trials rings true. I have a few books on witchcraft, and other similar subjects such as tarot, or psychic activity. To put it gently i was more then fascinated by the subject, and wanted to know everything. But I later found that it goes against being catholic, because the teaching itself is there is only one god, and being involved with witchcraft teaches you that there are more then one god, or power from which it derives. So I had to put all of the studies on halt for a while, not to mention it didn't really hurt to read or exercise with the notions, because I was curious, and was not getting answers anywhere else. I'm just thinking that cats are super evolved somehow, and know things that we don't, and I should of asked the cat more questions when I had my time with her, but failed to out of still being shocked she was able to pick one specific card out of seven two, I was even more shocked she said only three sentences to me. I know it sounds crazy but I swear the cat said something to me, and the first thing was that it liked me, and I was neat. The second thing was she was getting tired of me because I had a little statue of the Indian deity Krishna I think it's godly name is, and as the cat kept knocked over the statue making it fall, I kept standing it back up. Then the third thing was "come on, were evil" after I complied with the cat and left the statue faced down. I swear I love that cat, even until this day It isn't every day you hear an animal speak, I mean sometimes you can hear it in a dog's bark sometimes. I mean sometimes the projection from far away makes it sound like it says something, whether it does or not I'll let you be the judge of it. But I swear to god that the cat actually spoke to me, and that is not something I do lightly, nor frequently. Anyway it wasn't so far from when I left the US. Navy that I went to the Philippines to go to college, and visit my relatives there. They are from Batangas, Philippines so that is where I stayed, and went to college. I studied nursing for a few months, but I actually ended up quiting college there too. I forgot to tell you that this would be my second time going to college, the first time I went to Strayer University around the time I worked at Golden Corral, and JCPenney I just had forgotten to mention it earlier. I remember going to college initially was dark, and depressing. I could barely focus, and get things right in class. I had to repeat classes, so I'd eventually gotten things right, but I also had dropped out of college the first year, because there was so many things going on, I had just broken up with my first girlfriend, I was depressed, college wasn't going right for me. I would barely study, and I could barely pay for college too. This time it was the language barrier, I didn't know how to speak tagalog which is what everyone in the Philippines spoke. I thought everything would be in English. Some of it was, most of it was not, so I ended up failing big time. At first everything was going well, then the next thing I know the teachers spoke consistent tagalog (filipino), even though I had a tagalog tutor I couldn't learn tagalog fast enough at all. I was struggling to learn tagalog as a matter of fact. I was also struggling in getting along with my peers, for getting to know everyone through the language barrier is, and was tough. So naturally it made me depressed not being able to communicate well, and I dropped out of college again for the second time in my life. This was also the last time I would speak to my girlfriend the last time in my life, through video chat. I seriously do not know what happened to me, and her. I guess we just drifted apart, definitely lack of communication for the most part it was probably for the best of things. But back to my vacation in the Philippines, the surroundings was so hot, and poor. I remember I rang up a big bill for always using the air condition, and I stayed inside mostly while I was there. I didn't really go anywhere, the only places I went was to church, and the mall. Also I went to visit other family members, even my lola who sadly died. My lola, or grandmother lived until her ninety's, quite a long time. It was good to see the other side of my family, even for a brief moment in time. They all have their life going on, like my cousin was still in college at that time, and my other cousin was just settling down having a family. So I eventually went back home to the US, and the first thing I did was eat a cheeseburger at Mcdonalds, like previously talked with one of my cousins "the first thing I do when I get back" discussion at my lola's funeral. I grew a serious cheeseburger addiction when I was in the Philippines, for I remember I was always a picky eater, and never ever ate cheeseburgers, or mac n chees for that matter. I guess I just grew an addiction to eating cheese in general. But when I had returned home to the US, my father had asked me to get help, and see a doctor. I guess it was plain to see that I was depressed, and I needed help of some kind. So I ended up going to the same doctor's office my mother used to go to for therapy, and psychiatry. It is there I ended up going to group meetings every day too. Which was good for me, taking medication, and getting help through group discussions. I think the name of the hospital where I attended group therapy was called Memorial hospital, I was there for about a year or so. Then I was doing well enough to get transferred to another I think what you call it is group therapy sessions. I forget the terminology, but it was basically the same thing where you sit in group, with a lot of people, and talk about managing our sickness. But just with more people, and at Johns Hopkins Hospital, this is where I found my current therapist, and psychiatrist. They are great people. This is also where I ended up getting on disability due to being severely sick with schizophrenia. Sometimes I feel bad that this is what my life has resorted to, I mean I feel bad that I did not graduate college, or that I'm not working at a descent job. But I know how scarce, and precious things are, and can be. Further more not to take things for granted, because they can be taken away at any time, and that most things are like having a privilege in this life time. I remember for the longest time I was scared of taking my medication, thinking that it would hurt me if I did take my medication. So I would take my medication off, and on. I remember that I even dated, and made one of the instructors my girlfriend for a brief moment in time. Although I wasn't taking my medication, and I ended up breaking up with her during class. Behavior just like a teenager, I guess you can say, till this day I don't know why I broke up with her, I really liked her. I guess it was just something in my head that said I wanted, and needed to feel something I must've felt so numb during this time period. It kinda of sucks that I went ahead and listened to I guess what you can call them voices, and broke up with her. It made her feel really bad, and I got no satisfaction out it at all. I was just in a bad place in my life where I was receiving treatment, if I saw her again, I would tell her I'm sorry. That I didn't mean to hurt her, and try to explain that I was hearing voices. That I listened to what the voices instructed me to do, and broke up with her. I guess that's what I get for not taking my medication. I desperately hope that doesn't ever happen again, hearing voices has helped me ruin more relationships then has helped me get, or maintain any. On a brighter note I would like to share something special that happened to me today, when I woke up there was two blue transparent images almost see through but they were visible angels or fairies for about three or four seconds, then they turned back into invisibility mode. I guess they have cloaking ability, they were just having over the post that's hanging on the side of my bed. Very interesting they did not speak at all, they were just floating there in thin air. Almost like I caught them doing something they weren't suppose to. I'm leaning more towards they were angels because I'm catholic, and I'm trying to make a reasonable, educated deduction of what has encountered because things like that do not happen at all. I have the definition of fairies in my brain too because I once bought a fairy book from the local new age store near one of my old neighborhoods, I use to move around a lot. I also have purchased fairy tarot cards, purely for education purposes. The cards were designed by a doctor to my surprise actually. I think her name was Dr. Virtue or something close to that. Anyway just because you haven't seen some of the things they talk about in a new age store doesn't mean they don't exist. It's just not reaching out to you for some particular reason. It's either that or everyone into new age stuff is crazy, and is in need of therapy from the sounds of it. For that reason therapist would be able to welcome in a bunch of new clients. Because a lot of people into the whole new age stuff do have exceptionally bright, and artistic minds. Some of them are doctor's, or really educated people who designed most of the circles, I'm not going to go to far into saying cults. But I guess you can draw an idea of what I'm trying to say. Back to the fairies, the book on fairies that I once bought was really nice. It was very graphic, and from what I remember it was just a young women who had an encounter with fairies when she was young, they would come and go through out her life. But that's all I remember unfortunately. But I'm still leaning towards what I saw was two angels because I'm catholic, and I have to make some kind of sense out of the situation that has occurred. It's making me feel like I should become increasingly more spiritual in my life, and daily routine which wouldn't hurt. It couldn't only serve as a better purpose in helping me, maybe meditating wouldn't be so bad. But I say my prayers as often as I should, but lately because of the corona virus I've been stuck inside the house for such a long time not able to go anywhere just like the rest of society. Let's see the other crazy thing that happened today was I about to drink a bottle of coca-cola, and I saw a white light flash through my kitchen randomly. Then I heard a voice that say if the number is x79 your going to win the lottery. The beginning of the code underneath the cap was 97, so I was happy because I played the mega million earlier, and it would be so cool if I won, but I have my doubts because of how hard it is, but you never know. So as you can imagine I'm wondering why the the voice was near correct of something that I have not yet seen before. It made me feel much more confident about my odds of winning the lottery. Could this be God himself talking to me, probably not but it would be neat. I'm assuming it's something super natural or like the movie phenomenon or like people with photographic memory. I mean stuff like super natural occurrences are highly talked about, from televisions series, to new age, and scientific discoveries. But when you go to therapy, or your psychiatrist your seeing, and hearing things. Or maybe the things that I see, and hear have perfectly reasonable explanations, and I've been taking my medication so the other normal stuff I use to think, see, and, hear or no longer there that much. Like I use to live in my own world, and think things that were very farfetched because I could not prove that they were true, but more on that later. As far as I know I was having a type of religious experience, which was a beautiful thing. I would of had to observe what happened which is what has to happen by thinking, seeing, touching, smelling, basically your known senses. So trying to make sense of it is just strange, because what am I suppose to say when the voices I hear are actually accurate. I guess that's what the medicine is for, to get rid of the voices that are completely bogus, and tells you nonsense. Versus advancement of mankind, I'm telling you I thought about almost everything, but most of it develops into thoughts that make me feel that I am unwell, and questionable incidents of the past, in conjunction with memory. Like what if it's some experiment of some kind from god knows which corner of the earth. Or something top secret from C.I.A. that your not allowed to uncover or you are absolutely crazy. But it all would start to begin with why you, and why not you. We are in the dark, with how far there secret technologies have evolved. I mean even now were still playing catch up with declassified documents of simple experiments dealing with LSD, and things of that nature. So were not so sure what was mastered, right? As far as other other experiments there are still secret places in the world like AREA 51. Believed to be housing aliens, and things like the Roswell site of 1947 UFO crash. So everything not angelic, or spiritual even, would have to becoming from our government in theory correct? I think at the end of the day I just don't want to be called crazy, and I've always been fascinated with these types of things. Likewise with other people there have been numerous UFO sightings but nothing has been so secret as AREA 51, I mean when are they going to let us look inside. So there are also plenty of educated people that are into UFO's and aliens propaganda, doing their own thing, but bottom line is blaming aliens for hearing voices is not a cup of tea, even though I see it as a possibility, because I strongly think that telepathy exists. Hence why something was strong enough to communicate with me earlier, and get the coca-cola bottle code near correct. So naturally this is peeking my interests in wondering about this stuff, and it's never going to go away. Because telepathy, and being schizophrenic doesn't go hand in hand, unless there is just something feeding you purposely bad information, which would be like living in a game of poker. Because everything is so competitive in life, we often have to wonder why this, and why that. Weeding it out however, would be like consistently doing your chores Today's the next day, and a quick update on the lottery thing. I only hit one number on the lottery, which was the bonus number, which pays out two dollars I think. So technically I did win, but not really in full. Enough with today's stuff, and we'll save the rest of that for later. So for the longest while I wasn't taking my medication, but I was for a brief amount of time, I gained so much weight. and experienced muscle twitching. Which is okay for side effects, could've been worse. My father eventually remarried, to whom I now call tita. My older brother was eventually released from jail right around the time of my mothers funeral, he didn't actually attend the funeral itself, but the event afterwards where you go, and eat food. He looked white as a ghost, it sickens me to see him that way, I completely lost my appetite, and couldn't eat any food. He got really upset when I went to the Philippines, his now wife sent me a message on facebook saying he was devastated in learning that I left for the Philippines. I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything at all. I just completely ignored it, because I felt bad, I know I should have said something, even anything would have been nice. Instead of leaving them hanging, but thank god they are doing good. I came home from the Philippines in learning that my little brother quit his job working for the apartment maintenance building we were living in, and working for my eldest brother, and his wife's new business. I worked for them too for a little while, just helping them out here, and there when they needed it, because they would be short staffed. Then my dad moved us into another apartment building temporarily until the friends of tita's left her house. Which was about a year, during that time one of my youngest brother lived with my oldest brother while working, and my other younger brother started living with his boyfriend. It was during this time period my youngest brother who was living with my oldest brother cut his own throat. I receieved a phone call one evening saying that I had to come down to the ocean to the hospital because Alex cut his own throat. It was so hard to believe that my baby brother cut his own throat, or trying to take his own life. But I believe it now, being sick runs in the family. He wasn't taking medicaiton at that time period, so he was when he was at the hospital I think. I was in so much shock, and I forgot to ask him questions like why did you do this to yourself, and all that other typical questions one would ask their sibling. There's never really a dull moment in my family, there's usually always something going on, for better or for worse. Usually there has just been so many bad times, but lately things have been good, and I thank god for that. Having some peace at last. So my brother spent a while at the psych ward part of the hospital, then he was able to leave. He eventually moved back in with me, our father, and tita. Then once the lease at the apartment building was up, we moved into tita's home which was five minutes away kind of across the street. I forgot to say during this time period at the new apartment building I was playing pool awfully a lot. It was kind of my new hobby, and I became really good at it. I actually managed to run out the entire day playing pool, something near impossible to do. Which is get all the pool balls in the hole, without missing. So we moved into the new house around 2016/2017, and things were good for a year or two, I continued playing pool. I also continued playing starcraft, and starcraft II. All three things I've been doing most of my life. I wasn't taking my medication at all during this time period, and neither was my younger brother. I should've known that he needed help, and attention, by the way he was behaving. I managed to get him to see my therapist once for an intervention but he wasn't trying to hear it at all, and didn't want to go on with this therapist or psychiatrist business. So I feel bad that at the end of 2018 my tita tried to temporarily get us to stay at a hotel until she could move us into a new place, because Alex kept going into our stepsisters room, and messing with her things. He wasn't trying to hear that either, and my tita had to call the police to get him to cooperate with her, so he was eventually arrested, charged with trespassing, and second degree assault. Then I had to clean things, and pack my stuff up, to move into our new place. At least Alex got out of jail on time, and we were able to spend new years eve together, then the following day we moved into our new place for the time being, until we can buy a new house. Living at the new place has been nice, has it's ups and downs, like things started to break like the furnace, and people had to come, and fix it. Also Alex's court date came in the mail, and I gave it to him, and asked him if he was going to go, because he had to go to court. He just looked at it, and didn't say anything, and left it on the table. The cops eventually came for him again, for missing a court date. So he's currently spending time at Spring Grove Hospital until August 2020 court hearing. He was first at the psych ward part of the hospital for a while, but then they moved him into another unit where there were more people, and he was taking his medication regularly, and the last thing he said to me was don't worry about him. Although I'm worried, I don't know what it is I can do for him, I've tried so many times to get him help, all of this could have been avoided if he just wanted to see a therapist or psychiatrist. But no, he had to be a knuckle head, and put his family through more stress.Now that I remember more about my past since I've been experiencing a memory barrier, I was in the Navy, and I remember it was the first time I can actually I started to hearing voices. I remember just sitting, and laying down there at night. I heard the barney song in my head it was so odd, but not life threatening so I was like whatever. It was only half the song where it goes "I love you, you love me, we're one big happy family". There's not much to blame it on but that I am schizophrenic, and I had just started developing symptoms, unless I was going through something military. I also remember hearing the guy from fast and the furious "Paul Walker" say something to me kind of recently, and it is then that I knew that the voices I was hearing were not real, and it had to be a figment of my imagination or something telepathic. I give it possible chance for it to be something else because I've also heard voices in Spanish, that of which I do not speak. I also wonder if it could be something slight of hand, I guess I'll never know those kinds of people keep their art so secret. Then on the other hand I wonder if it's something so secretly advanced like the movie eagle eye or some type of creature. I guess I just don't want to say that I am schizophrenic, and that I want to be someone normal. So blaming it on other things come easily, because maybe I still don't fully understand my own illness. But that of which I do now know is that with the medicine I'm taking I can become normal just as anyone. Without a social life, and more. Where when the shoe was on the other foot I would barely want to talk to anyone. I remember I got into a car accident recently because of being schizophrenic, I was at a red light with four cars ahead of me. I was listening to a never heard of song of before by Uffie, and I swear that song taunted me. and eventually what happened was my right leg somehow lifted up, as my brain was going through a spazz, I kind of blacked out, because I felt like I lost control of myself, and my right foot hit the gas pedal causing the car to accelerate, and directly hit the car in front of me. I felt so bad, the guy didn't respond fast enough, and I immediately called the police. Which I felt was the right thing to do, so when they came, I told them what happened. I kind of blacked out, and hit the guy in front of me, now that I reflect on it, I felt like it was something definitely kind of stalking me, and mind controlling me somehow. A month or two later the same thing happened again, except I wasn't driving. I was with my father, and I was in the passenger seat. I felt my right ankle rise up on it's own, something with supernatural ability was able to lift my right leg up on it's own. But it didn't accomplish it this time, then I heard the voice of a young girl I don't know how old she was, but the voice was young., and she sat there, and got upset that she wasn't able to lift my leg up, then said the words " HMPMFM I'm not allowed to lift your foot up anymore". I'm like okay what the hell is happening, that's good thank god. I ended up getting my drivers license suspended so I'm on standby waiting to get some paperwork signed, hopefully all is well. I guess for now on as lesson is learned I can just keep the car in park for now on so this doesn't happen again. But I hate the feeling that someone or something has some kind of ultra power over me, because I cannot prove that it's something else it has to be me. But realistically things don't make sense, when you try to put two and two together. The most that I can say is that maybe I'm also developing a split personality, with schizophrenia, in combination those two together could be fatal. Sometimes I feel like I'm a different person, but not all the time, I feel like that just once in a while. I have to blame it on something because I want to know what the hell it is, and where the hell it came from. The most I've experienced before as it being a side effect was twitch of muscle, and fingers. Oh, and sometimes I would experience my arm move on it's own for some reason here, and there. But not too much. So it's like involuntarily muscle spasm, and body movement. i do not define these things that have happened of being schizophrenic, but partially when the voices decide to add onto it. So maybe it's part of another illness, or side effect of the medicine from the past, but I also remember I wasn't taking my medication. So maybe it's from not taking my medication. So far now that I have been taking my medication all of it has died down plentiful. But I still do hear voices here, and there.One of the reasons why I think it's not always my hearing voices is because of this one incident, I was at home playing counter strike . It's a first person shooter game. Anyway at the beginning of the round I heard from a female robotic type of voice that I'll just leave you to this guy and said his "screen-name". I was like okay whatever, so during the round I ended up killing the guy next to him, and he ended up killing me. So I looked at the screen, and it said his screen name. I found that said odd. Then he said through the microphone, how come I heard someone say I'll leave you to this person". I was like no way in hell he heard what I just had heard, what the hell is going on. I felt like I was in the twilight zone or something. The game is highly competitive though, but still I put a big emphasize on still, why it was somehow projecting voices into our heads. So whatever it was, or however it's been happening, maybe that's one of the ways people are hearing voices, especially me. Although I cannot prove it or anything, and it's just my word. It's one of the strangest encounters that I would ever have to experience in this lifetime. Two people way across the world, hearing the same thought. That kind of matches though some of the things I experience on a daily basis when I play the game counter strike. Like it's some kind of bet, and they talk to you through mental means. Sometimes they deliver, but sometimes they don't. But usually it's at the beginning of the round, and it's some kind of robotic voice that says I'll bet that you cannot take this person out, and it's first person that dies loses. So it's so insane, if it's true. I'm always expecting some kind of bad event to happen, just like each time that I won something bad in the world has happened the day after. So far I've won each time, and it puts me under a lot of stress. The need to win, and there are times where I am doing bad, but lately there hasn't been much happening. Until recently I heard Kim Kardashians voice make a bet with me, in the end I won. So I don't know what the bet was like what do I get if I win, but she spoke to me through telepathic means I'll assume, and I guess it's fake through delivery of bet. Unless I'm just hearing voices, or someone can just get me to hear this type of things. Interesting enough I would like to know why I keep hearing this kind of thoughts, specifically when I play counter strike. It is really interesting when you play though, hearing that you already know the details, first person to die in the game loses, and I can't believe I'm talking about this. I feel like such a loser at all cost, but I strongly think it's something military at times. Then again I think I'm stuck in a twisted world where I just hear voices. But I can't make sense out of why the other guy I'm playing a friendly with would hear the same thoughts, that is talking to me, is also talking to him at the same time. It's magnificent, if he never would have said anything over the microphone I would just assume that I am hearing voices once again, and I should be taking my medication. Although the thing about it is I have been taking my medication when I've heard the one and only Kim Kardashian speak to me through mental means. I still can't believe it, so I'm just going to say I've been hearing voices. I mean what are the chances that this kind of thing is truly real, and it's some kind of secret fight club that's not suppose to be talked about. Supposing things like that still happen, like I remember watching a movie where these people were playing roulette, the type with a gun, and winner gets a ton of cash. Well whatever it is, I never wanted part in it, but now it's almost like appeasing hearing that you have to take this guy out before he takes you out in a video game. For the thrill level I guess is what I'm trying to say. But the stress level is also very high, so I'm always trying to play my best at the game, but I'm almost numb to this idea, and it's just something that is starting to get to me lately, because I find that it's all talk, and no actions. Sometimes things happen, and sometimes things don't. I try not to blame myself for bad things that that happen in the world, which it seems like I am doing to myself when I try to make sense of what's happening. Kind of like I am snapping out of this imaginative world, thanks to the medication. Otherwise I would still be sitting their kind of tweaked almost, craving another imaginative though on what's going to happen. Kind of like a play by play on a fake world. Other strange things that have happened were on several other occasions, I would be sitting on the floor in front of the television, and out of nowhere I wouldn't even move, my bones would start cracking on it's own. I have no explanation for this, my first instinctual explanation is something is trying to harm me, and there's very little I can do about it. I recently spoke to my sister about life, and how things have been going, and when i went to tell her about the bones cracking part, I heard an unknown mans voice saying to me "you little snitch". Like the bad things that happen to me I'm not suppose to say anything about to anyone. To add on to the Kim Kardashian extravaganza I heard her sisters voice yesterday while playing counter strike, and suggesting the same thing, that she make a bet with me. It was so odd hearing Kylie Jenners voice. I would of thought it's real with the exception that it sounded like someone was impersonating her. It's hard to explain but, it's something robotic using a voice changer. Like Kylie's voice would fade away, and then the voice would turn robotic during the sentence they were designed to say I also heard the voice of Kim Kardashian say that I was retarded for writing about what had happened. It's bad enough that I already feel like a loser for writing this book, but I've been trying to practice being optimistic. During my meditations, and prayers, etc. Those lately have been my safe haven, when I feel stressed out, I just practice the yoga mantra's I've been practicing, and it all goes uphill since there. But moments later I received another bet if you will invitation from Ben Stiller, he ended up saying flip a coin, and if you win I'll buy you a Mercedes Benz, and guess what I won. Then he asked for a double or nothing, I agreed, and flipped the coin, I won again. But I don't know why I even agreed to participate, I felt kind of forced into doing it. Like mind controlled into doing it, and I had no choice. It's a hard feeling to describe, when you do something against your own will. Or like if you keep yourself brainwashed long enough with a certain topic, you will think or just do that. Except with this I felt like I had no control into doing it or else. Other then the usual hustle and bustle there hasn't been much going on, I've been taking my medication regularly. Hoping that me being schizophrenic doesn't get to me too much. It sucks that I became schizophrenic late in life, I'm still shocked that it's possible. So in turn I'm writing this autobiography hoping that it helps others with schizophrenic or schizo affective disorder with their lives. Taking medication and getting yourself help is truly a blessing, however you see it. I know that this is the last thing that I wanted, and I'm doing alright. It's just that when I play counter strike a highly competitive game, I think it's just my opponents who knows a trick of the trade by summoning things like voices to my head, and they wanted a duel or something. Which is of course thrill seeking itself, because I once heard a new teammate of a team I joined say we can summon things, so like normal I forgot to ask questions like how do you summon, and things like that, like he probably would not have answered anyway. But I am so eager to figure out what's what, it's like a puzzle, putting together that pieces that fit, and throwing away that pieces that don't fit. But at the end of the day I have schizo affective disorder, I take my medication, I barely hear voices, and I continue with the puzzle.