Icon of the Indecisive #3 of 3 (COMPLETE)

Chapter 23

At least exam week came up to distract me.

I can't believe I said that.

It was a very long week. Sol and I studied together every day, and she did a good job of being a friend and not asking too many questions. I knew that if she found out that Quin had anything to do with Robbie breaking up with me, she'd let me have it.

I didn't want to hear any of that just yet.

So we studied, and took tests, and while the rest of the school talked about the beach party, and what they'd wear to the beach party, and who was going to the beach party, Sol and I brooded together.

"I found out that Neil is going to the party," she said to me on Thursday, after our Psych Research final. "Him. Him! My thief ex gets invited."

"You have an invite," I reminded her.

"But you don't want to go anymore, so of course I can't be there."

"You don't have to not go just because I don't have a boyfriend anymore. But you shouldn't go just because your ex is there."

"See my problem? No win. I'd rather stay here and mope with you." Then she tilted her head and sort of gave me a look usually reserved for puppies. "Are you ready to talk about it?"

I sighed. "No."

"Did he force you to do anything?"

"Of course not."

"You'd tell me if he did, right? Because I heard this strange story about you going to the clinic with bruises..."

I didn't tell her about that either. There was nothing to tell her that wouldn't require overlong backstory. "That was a misunderstanding. I'm obviously fine."

"All right. Keep it bottled up inside. I'll be here when you finally explode."

No kidding. "Thank you."

On Friday, when everyone else was off to the three malls within an hour's drive to buy their beach party outfit, and make sure that no one else would get the same beach party outfit, I spent my evening alone, at the clubhouse pool near my aunt's house.

Diego taught me this trick. Something about being underwater quieted the mind. My mind at least, because it was hearing so many other thoughts.

So I spent over an hour there, staying submerged for as long as my breath would allow. The Goddess had a sign up and it said DO NOT DISTURB.

No one else was at the pool. No one else used the pool at night, usually, apart from the occasional Ford River student. As soon as I dunked my head in though I felt no great relief, and I still felt bad about Robbie, useless about Jessica/Justin/Marlee, and crappy about my life in general.

Worst year ever.

A splash in the water caused a disturbance that I saw, heard, and felt. I stood up to get some air, and waited for him to reach my side of the pool, slicing through the water with his confident strokes.

Him, Diego.

He did a complete lap first, before taking a detour toward the shallow end, where I stood in water up to my waist. And I got treated to the sight of Diego's body again, which I think was the point of this display of athletics.

I straightened up and tried to look him in the eye, and not everywhere else that was glistening with water.

Deja vu.

"What?" I said, not happily.

"It's funny."

"What?"

"I would have thought that you'd be able to avoid breaking someone's heart, since you know so much about love now."

"Obviously I'm not good at this."

"You don't get it then."

"Please," I said, rolling my eyes. "Go tell me how else I screwed up. I want to know."

"Hannah," Diego said, and hearing his voice say my name, my actual name, felt strange and new. "None of us are good at this. I keep telling you. None of it matters. The only question is, do you want this? And everything follows from there."

"Don't give me a pep talk. I'm not summoning the God of Work right now."

"I'm not here as a god of anything. I just thought you needed to hear some things."

"What else do you want me to hear, Diego? I don't deserve Quin, I don't deserve to be Goddess, I don't deserve Robbie...did I fail botany too?"

"Did you find out why Jake's been making lightbulbs explode?"

I hadn't even done anything about that. "No. I...no. I've been busy lately."

"Of course. Busy luring young men to love you and then breaking their hearts."

"If it's so important, why don't you figure out the Jake thing yourself?"

"I already have," Diego said, and that was a surprise to me. "I just thought you had to find out why on your own too."

"Maybe I don't want to do this anymore."

He stepped closer. Our toes might have touched. He towered over me, and I did my best to look defiant still.

"Do you know what I can do to someone as confused and lost as you, Hannah?"

"I know, Diego."

"I don't think you do. I can make this go away. I can give you purpose, and direction, the kind that will determine the rest of your life. I do that for so many people, every day. You're not different."

It was tempting.

Diego leaned in, so close that I thought he was going to kiss me. And I knew what a kiss from Diego would do. I knew it would fix me.

But he stopped, and instead tapped my forehead. "You have to want it."

"I want it," I said, automatically, and pathetically.

"No, you want the easy way out. Maybe Quin had the right idea with training you the slow, boring way. You abuse the shortcut."

Ugh. Always. Ugh. I slammed my palm against the water and aimed the spray up at him. "You're horrible."

He laughed. "You and I make sense, New Girl. One day you'll come around to it."