Deeper Than Black

Paint Your Color

Paint Your Color: Schirin Ruhama Del Real

BLACK

DTB0

"I love you..." I watched how his lips moved while muttering those words. "I will always choose to love you in this lifetime and the other next..."

Kinagat ko ang labi ko habang nararamdaman ko ang pag-iinit ng ilalim ng aking mga mata. He's making me feel so overwhelmed again.

"Me too, Caiser. I will never regret choosing you and standing beside you today..."

My heart clenched painfully. I should have said that. I wish I was just strongly certain of my choices that time. Sana... sana iyon na lang ang sinabi ko. I should have just whispered all my love for him on all the times I can.

But I was doubtful. I was sorry. I was in deep worry and woe.

Leaving the life that I used to have doesn't really mean much to me. It's okay, I can start anew, a happier and better one, if possible. Pero kasi, hindi ko mapigilang isipin sila Mama, Papa, at Theo. It was very hard to think that I will live separately from them from now on.

Hindi ko din mapigilang isipin kung anong magiging reaksyon nila kung makita nila ang sulat na iniwan ko? Parang iniisip ko pa lang na umiiyak si Mama ay nasasaktan na ako.

I thought about this deliberately. I was sure that I want to be with him because I love him so much. But that time... I can't help but say...

"Are we doing this right, Cai?"

I watched how the smile on his lips waver into a thin line. It was fast yet he immediately put his smile back on.

"Time will come and we will make everything right, Rin," he said. "For now, we have to wait."

"Sila Mama kasi... hindi ko lang mapigilan, Cai..."

"We'll face them. I promise you, you'll see them again."

With you? Promise me, Caiser. Include yourself in your promise...

From his lips, I tried to move my gaze up to see his face.

My tears fell abundantly when I can see nothing but blur and lines. No...please. Tinaas ko ang nanginginig kong kamay upang abutin sana ang kanyang mukha ngunit bago ko pa iyon magawa ay tila may pwersang humihigop saakin palayo sa kanya.

"Caiser!" I shouted from the top of my lungs as I became drown once again in the deep abyss of the same black circular loops. Nahuhulog ako at nahihilo ngunit walang lakas kong hinayaan kung saan ako dadalin nito. My tears didn't stop streaming out of my eyes.

"Cai, look at the water in the glass..."

"It's normal, baby. The ship's moving."

"No... it's..."

No. Voices! I'm here again. No... take me out. Take me out of this place! Ayoko na...

Mula sa mahabang pagkahulog, wala akong sinayang na oras. Inikot ko ang tingin ko sa paligid. I ran towards each door that I can see. I've been here thousands of times yet I still don't wanna give up. Baka may pinto na pwede akong hilahin palayo rito. Ayoko... ayoko!

"Hey..."

My heart skipped a beat and I froze when I felt a hand holding my wrist. Agad akong lumingon sa aking likod upang makita siya. My lips parted when I saw his face vividly. Tila nawala lahat ng takot na nararamdaman ko sa puso ko. I stared at him longingly...

"Kanina pa kita hinahanap. You suddenly left our room."

Ako din... araw-araw kitang hinahanap, hinihiling sa May Kapal, pinapangarap. My love...

"Let's go, we might miss the fireworks. I heard it will be spectacular."

My eyes didn't leave his face. He smiled at me genuinely. Naramdaman ko muli ang pagbanta ng aking luha. Ang puso ko ay mabilis na tumitibok kasama ang saya at sakit.

I'll stay here... I wanna stay here. With you, Caiser. Dito nalang ako sa tabi mo...

"But it should be stable. Tsaka 'di mo ba nararamdaman? Parang gumagalaw?"

He chuckled. "Because we're really moving. C'mon, don't stress yourself. It's just the water in the glass."

"Am I just paranoid?"

"You are."

It was dark but I can hear a lot of voices. The sound of a shattering glass created a very vivid memory in me as it slipped in the table and the water broke free from it. I covered my ears and shut my eyes tightly. No! Stop! Stop!

Sa muling pagbubukas ng mata ko ay dinala ako nito sa gitna ng mga nagkakagulong tao. Nagsisigawan, nagsisiksikan at nag-aagawan. I tried to roam my eyes, move out of them but the crowd occupied a large space.

"Caiser! Caiser!" I shouted while restlessly turning my head to look for him. "Caiser!"

Everything started to shift again just the same time as tears fell from my eyes. Unti-unti na namang kinain ng dilim ang paligid. The noises remained and it's torturing me so much. The screams, pleads, anger from people... I don't wanna hear any more of it.

Natigil ako sa paghawi noong mapagtanto ko na ako na lang mag-isa ang nakatayo sa isang malawak at walang katapusang kadiliman. From my tear-soaked face, I managed to give a smile when I saw Caiser not so much far from me.

He's here... I found him. Nakangiti lang siya saakin.

"We'll meet each other, baby. But for now, we have to separate for the better." I heard the voice in my head.

Dapat hindi na lang ako pumayag. Dapat humawak na lang ako sayo at hindi kita binitawan. Dapat...

I want to stay, Cai. I just wanna be with you. Naglakad ako papalapit sa kanya. He remained smiling at me. I want him to speak and say something to me. Pero kung iyon ay kalabisan na para sa isang kahilingan, I'm okay with this. Just stay, please?

Pero bakit ganon? Bakit hindi ko siya maabot?

I want to hold him! I wanna hug him and feel his warmth! Why does he seem so far? Gaano ba kayo ang distansyang ito? Binilisan ko ang hakbang ko. I panicked because the distance between us seems growing.

I tried to open my eyes repeatedly like it was just a dream. I tried to struggle, run, and reach for him but he was getting farther, getting more consumed by the darkness. Panay ang tulo ng luha ko habang pilit siyang inaabot.

No, Caiser. Please...

"Rin..." I heard his voice calling for me. "I love you."

I stumbled and I knelt in the middle of the vast darkness that I was in. Hindi ko na napigilan pa ang paghagulgol dahil kahit anong lingon ko, hindi ko na siya makita. He's gone...

Black.

My world is like a void, filled with unending darkness the moment Caiser Red Auxiere died. And I know... I know that no matter how dark it is in here, I will still want to stay. Because he's here... my love is here.

Ang itim na ito ang kulay at buhay na pipiliin ko.