Repata: A Love Story

What Do You Want??

Chapter 5

What Do You Want?

Reade sat there staring off into nothing in particular. He wasn't feeling great after hearing Tasha's revelation. But he was done allowing his Tasha-related fears to control him. He has just sacrificed everything for her...for them. If she was choosing to be away from him on an undercover op at the beginning of their relationship, maybe it was best to end it here and now. It would break his heart, but he couldn't do this again. On the other hand, although his insides were screaming "run!",  he HAS been here before. He knew it was time to fight for them. It was time to grow up.

"Tasha, you haven't answered my question. Why did you tell me you were in love with me knowing you had agreed to go deep under cover?" "What were you expecting me to do once you told me?" Again, part of him wanted to ask her to leave, think about his questions and then they could talk tomorrow. But that was the easy way out of this mess. Tasha needed to stay. He needed to know if she would fight for them.

Tasha looked down at his hands that she continued to hold. The fact that he hadn't pulled away gave her courage to speak. She hated talking about her feelings and she really hated having to explain herself. "I know why Keaton told me not to tell you about this mission." "He knew your opinion means everything to me. Maybe I want you to talk me out of taking this assignment." "Maybe I want to hear you say "Don't go."" " I wanted...no I needed to hear you say that when I went to the CIA." Those words stung Reade. He knew she was right.

"I was an idiot Tasha for letting you go without a fight. I've regretted that more than I could say. Please forgive me." "But let's be real. You went to the CIA for at least a couple of reasons, besides my stupidity." "Correct me if I'm wrong.  You hated that the FBI is constrained by its policies, never living in the gray. You were beyond pissed when Roman got away in DC. You blamed Jane for that and you blamed Kurt for covering it up." "More than that, you want to be a CIA Field Officer. If you don't take this assignment that probably won't happen." "If I had I asked you to stay a year ago, I think you would have eventually left the FBI. Maybe we would have maintained our relationship. Tasha, if I tell you not to take the assignment now, will you resent me...resent us, in a year? That's why I'll keep asking what do you want Tasha Zapata?"

"Reade, it really scares me that you know me so well. It's also the reason I love you so much and had to tell you about the op. Keaton gave me a direct order not to say anything. I'm disobeying that order because you mean more to me than keeping a secret." "You don't know this but the day you showed me Meg's engagement ring I planned to tell you how I felt. My world was crushed when you told me you were going to propose to her." "I gave up on us until you showed up at the bar after I told you not to come. I knew you were still my best friend and maybe a little more. Then you said that if Patterson didn't forgive me, things would be ok because I still had you." "I didn't have you Reade, and I could no longer let you believe that I only saw you as a friend." "So, I took the chance to tell you I am in love with you." Tasha laughed and said, "I honestly expected you to get angry and walk out of the bar. My feet haven't really touched the ground since that night because you didn't reject me."

"We have a second chance now. What do you want Tasha?. What is important to you?"

There was a time when Tasha could answer those questions without hesitation. But now nothing is as simple as it was before she confessed her love for him. It really wasn't simple but she could hide her feelings and keep moving. "Reade, my life was empty without you in it. In my first few months at the CIA I hoped every phone call was you telling me you missed your best friend. That never happened, but I woke up next to you when we were kidnapped. It was the best day I'd had in a year. Now that I have you back again, I can't lose you." She leaned over to kiss Reade but he moved away and kept eye contact with her.

"So what do you want Tasha? Talk. You're stalling."

"I want you Reade. I want us to work." Tasha began to cry. She was starting to worry that he was going to ask her to leave. He showed no emotion. Did he believe her?

"What about the CIA and going under cover?" Reade kept his distance with direct eye contact, but still allowed Tasha to hold his hands. If there was one thing he learned from countless hours of therapy it was this: The answer is in you, not the person asking the questions. He wanted Tasha to realize what she really wanted, on her own terms, in her own words.

"I..I don't know what to do", she said between sobs. "I want us. I want to take down HCI Global and Hank Crawford." Reade gently removed his hands from her grasp. He didn't want to scare her because he knew she was being honest. He stood up and took two beers from the refrigerator. He handed one to Tasha, opened his and purposely sat close to her. Tasha rested her head on his shoulder. She was starting to calm down because she could be close to him. That always made her feel better. "I saw this night going very differently", Reade said and laughed. "I wanted to hold you in my arms and make love to you."  "I can leave Reade. This is a lot to process and I understand if..."   Reade cut her off. "I don't want you to leave Tasha. We have always been terrible at communicating. We shut each other out and run away." "Let's stop that, starting tonight." Tasha grabbed his hand and held it tight to show her agreement. "What I really want Tasha, is to hold you close, to feel your body next to mine." "I have an idea how to handle the undercover assignment, but that can wait." Tasha moved back from Reade to look at him. He was serious about supporting her. She could see it in his eyes. She flashed that Natasha Zapata smile that has always captured his heart. "I really love you Reade", was all she could say.

Reade lifted Tasha's chin and looked into her eyes. "We are going to make it through this and anything else that we have to face. But we have to be honest with each other." Tasha pulled him into a fierce kiss. Tongues were fighting for space and hands were exploring new territory. Reade lowered his lips to her neck and felt her shiver. He knew it was her weakness so he lingered there. Tasha rewarded him by moaning his name and telling him how much she loved him. They were now both shirtless and enjoying the friction between their bodies. Reade then said, "Not here on this couch. I want our first time to be special. You deserve it and more." Tasha melted when he said that. She thought she had completely ruined her first night with him. "Reade, I'm so sorry for running from you when you first kissed me. I'm never running again", Tasha whispered. "I'm gonna hold you to that",  he replied with a smile. After that he picked her up and carried her to his bed. Read was completely intoxicated with her. Her scent, her touch and her sweet voice. Tasha was moved by his gentleness and how he cared about pleasing her as though this was her first time. Their bodies were in perfect rhythm and they satisfied each other over and over until they had no more energy. As they lay there coming back to earth, Reade held Tasha firmly in his arms with her head on his chest. "I love you Edgar Reade". "I love you more Tasha Zapata." They then fell asleep knowing what they wanted.