𝘚𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘺, 𝘩𝘪𝘴. |REWRITING|

Four

I stay up all night, pondering if my reality
could be altered.
Staring at myself so blankly in the mirror,
I kept asking myself millions of questions.
Was I ready to love again?
Was I ready to sacrifice myself again?
Was it worth wasting my limited time so carelessly,
doing reckless things with you?
Minutes felt like hours, and days felt
like years.
I foolishly reminisce the text messages we shared,
and the fragile memories felt like a burden.
I wanted to ask you.
I wanted to ask you if it would be less of
a burden if I had pulled you
closer sooner.
Would things have been any better?
Unintentionally, I constantly set those thoughts aside.
I didn't care if his words were lies, or his feelings.
I just wanted him so bad.
Too bad.
I needed closure, before I couldn't hold back anymore.

-Nat

I went up to the hospital roof, holding my IV pole. I was dressed in my hospital clothes, my hair tied up.

I stood at the edge of the roof, grasping the railings firmly. Staring at the constellations of stars in the sky, the thoughts of giving goodbyes to the people I loved the most felt tormenting.

I wasn't going to kill myself, but I wanted to know how it would feel being in my last moments. Who I would think of? What would I feel? Would I have any regrets?

The sounds of rain coming down, the crisp wind, and the echoes of traffic on the streets felt louder than ever.

The loose hairtie fell out of my hair, flying away from the strong winds. My midnight black hair flew back, as the frosty air hit my neck.

I faced my head to the sky, my eyes closed.

Thinking of him, foolishly loving him, wasting my time on him, constantly getting fooled by white promises, I wanted all of it gone.

Enough was enough.

I was so tired. Tired of everything.

The billions of warm hearts that reached out to me, no matter how hard I pushed them away, I felt a tear roll down for them.

Enough was enough.

The promises that were broken, our trust that was ruptured, another tear fell for it.

Enough was enough.

The pain I went through for years, my youth I spent on you, my heart ached for it.

Enough was enough.

The pain I may endure in the coming years, the time I had left I wished to spend recklessly, I wanted to spend it for myself, amd myself only.

But, remembering the way I devoted myself to you, your unintentional dominant self that took over me, I knew I could never achieve my wishes.

On the days it rained, and snowed, this strainful burden of loving you felt like torture. I wanted to turn that painful burden into a beautiful, fleeing memory.

And I really hoped you would cooperate.

I got off the edge, and walked back to my room. I greeted the nurses along the hallway, staring at my numb toes.