The Cost Of Deceit

Chapter 14

Elmer knew if he ever wanted Francine to forgive his ignorance, he would have to be honest. Well, as honest as he could be without giving away his promise. "I have to admit to you, Francine." Elmer said in his normal voice.

"Shhh." People turned in the library. They all spotted Elmer standing there in front of Francine, and many wondered what that white boy was up to. But after a long while of staring, they returned to their books.

"Follow me." Francine whispered. She took him through the few book aisles in the library to one that was more private. She looked around to make sure no one was coming to them. "Now what are you doing here?"

"I realized that I was a fool. What I said to you about negroes and whites was wrong." Elmer admitted. "And sure, I don't understand it. I know I don't,"

Elmer had to stop speaking when someone began to walk past them. Both Elmer and Francine pretended to check out the books beside them. When that person walked off, Elmer leaned toward Francine to whisper in her ear.

"I know I don't understand it. But this is my way of trying to understand." Elmer told her. Those words caused a thousand butterflies to be unleashed in Francine's stomach. She looked up at him for a moment, right in his eyes as he leaned toward her. She'd never looked at a boy with more feeling beforehand.

But they both quickly looked forward at the books when another person's footsteps neared. Luckily, they didn't actually come down the aisle.

"Alright, then." Francine told Elmer as she held a book against her chest.

"So you'll forgive me?" Elmer asked.

"Not so fast." Francine laughed. "We will see where this goes."

Elmer spent the day with Francine in the library. They sat across from each other as they both read their books. Elmer was exposed to an entire new world. One that he didn't know existed, but was always there right under his nose. His whiteness didn't allow for him to see things through the eyes of negroes. He didn't question the order of the society he lived in beforehand. But now he was becoming aware that he had a privilege. His skin allowed him to benefit in more ways than he had previously imagined.

And with that realization came a sense of guilt, although he couldn't control the role in society he was born into. He wondered why he was white, and why he was randomly given such privileges. Most of all, he wondered what he could do to help the black people around him. How could he be a crutch to them in their darkest hour?

After the library, Elmer and Francine walked outside of the library. Secretly they spent time together, going to a nearby park and laying in the grass. The two of them laid together, looking up at the clouds. They spoke to each other about school, then television and then music. They realized that the both of them had more in common than they ever imagined.

"Are you kidding me? I love James Brown." Elmer smiled up at the clouds. "My parents don't want me listening to him but who the hell cares what they have to say about it?"

"Elmer, don't curse." Francine said between breaths as she laughed at his enthusiasm.

"Who the hell cares what they think!" Elmer said louder as Francine laughed some more.

"Well, what about Fats Domino?" Francine asked.

"He's great too. Hey, have you ever heard of The Four Aces?" He turned to her and asked.

"Love is a many splendored thing." Francine sang as she tried to hold in her laugh. "Yes, they're great too!"

Once all of their laughs subsided, Elmer could hardly hold it in any longer. A certain question lingered over his mind, daring to reach his lips. He feared asking the question, because it risked ruining what was already a wonderful day with Francine. But, he couldn't help but open the flood gates. He couldn't ignore the new and harsh reality in which his white privilege shielded him from his entire life.

"How do you not hate us?" Elmer asked seemingly out of no where.

Francine, who was relaxing by leaning back on her elbows looked to him. "Hate who?"

"Whites. How do you not hate us for all we've done?" Elmer asked. He feared the answer, but he needed to know. In himself he was aware he wouldn't be able to face the same battles as Francine. He wouldn't possibly have the courage to deal with such discrimination because of the color of his skin.

"I do hate you sometimes. Sometimes I can't come to terms with the fact that your white skin is a ticket to a mostly great life." Francine admitted. "Even if you're not wealthy and white, your whiteness is a guarantee that you're looked after by the powers that be. Me being negro only designates that I'll always have less in life. No matter how hard I work, no matter how great my character is. And it's whites that impose such restrictions on us. It's you who created it."

"Does that mean you hate me?" Elmer dared to ask. Francine gave him a certain look, one with much feeling. Elmer almost interpreted it as love, but dismissed such thoughts and figured the touchy subject caused such emotion.

"Of course I don't." Francine told him. "I don't hate white people. I hate what you represent."

Those words resinated with Elmer. Every moment he spent with Francine, he was constantly in a state of awe in admiring her strength. It made him all the more guilty that he looked to her lips, wishing he could go further with Francine. After such a tough moment and conversation, still all that swirled in his mind was the wish to wrap his arms around her right then and there. His body further perpetuated such thoughts, and feelings with more vulgarity ran through his veins. He tried to convince himself then was not the time to think about unbuttoning his dress, or to estimate how her breasts would feel while his hands cupped around them.

He tried to focus his mind back on Francine, the person. He looked at her deeply, and she looked back although slightly ridden with anxiety. The way her dark eyes sparkled under the glowing sky captivated him. His thoughts were shattered by the sound of a passing cop car. Francine sat up and looked to the sky.